Yesterday we had our first follow with the surgeon. He was very pleased with Steve's progress and told him that he was allowed to do as much cardio as he could handle - but he was still restricted in the lifting department and still no driving. The muscles that were cut to remove the diseased portion of his lung take quite a while to heal. The doc let us look at the chest x-ray they took yesterday and he compared it to the chest x-ray the day before surgery. The remaining portions of his lung are already growing and filling the void left by the surgery. We go back to the surgeon in 2 weeks. Then begins the forever regimen - Every 3 months for the first 2 years, every 6 months for the next 3 and then once every year... And on Thursday we have our first (and maybe our only) visit with the oncologist. The typical course of treatment for the stage of Steve's cancer is surgery and nothing else. Although Steve has said that if they give him the option, he will take the chemo as a preventative measure. We got a copy of the path report that explains why chemo may not be an option - the mass was only 2.1 centimeters instead of the original measurement of over 3! They really could not have caught this any earlier! It was such a positive visit.
I wish everyone to this hospital could have a positive visit. Our time of uncertainty and fear may be coming to an end, but for so many of the young men and women we see at BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center), theirs just continues. As we are celebrating a great report, many of these young people are hoping that they can ease back into society with prosthetic limbs, skin grafts that cover most of their bodies and mental anguish that may never go away. And yet some, with prosthetics are trying to figure out how to get back to the desert to do what they were trained to do. It makes this whole cancer thing feel very trivial. Sure puts things in perspective for me...
I mentioned more "God sightings..." God looks like a mother/mother-in-law that showed up the day after we scheduled surgery and took care of her grandchildren like nobody's business. God looks like a brother/brother-in-law that showed up a week ago and has fixed EVERY broken thing in our house and done more yard work than we have done since we have been here. He was also joined by above mentioned mother in replanting and repairing all of our flower beds! The neighbors have been by to complain that we were making their yards look bad. And God also looks like those same neighbors that rang our doorbell yesterday evening to tell us that the 20 or so bags of yard waste would not be picked up by the trash collector. So they began to rally all the surrounding neighbors and their trash cans and began filling them up with our yard waste. How cool it was to see them walking door to door and calling those they had numbers for to enlist their help. God looked down on Bent Willow yesterday evening and smiled.
And God looks like the families of the other Squadron Commander's that have been bringing us meals. I never realized how much we needed that. The physical part of Steve's recovery has been going smoothly and rapidly, but the mental recovery (for both of us) is just beginning. My head is still spinning with all that has happened that I have not had the energy or the desire to get into my kitchen. And usually cooking is very therapeutic for me. I miss it, but my heart is not there right now. Another commander's spouse called me while I was at the commissary (I had to take Steve to work for a few hours - don't ask, just another reason we have not mentally begun to repair). I told her that being at the commissary, alone and with my coupons was wonderful. It was the first "normal" thing I have done in over 3 weeks. Every meal/event/car ride has had some connection to the surgery and the cancer. EVERY thing. So to be in the commissary with my beloved coupons and figuring out the bargains felt so good. That's really sad isn't it. I will never take the mundane for granted again.
I think the chaos and the mundane work together in God's perfect plan. We need those moments of tightly clinging to the Lord for protection. It is only then in the mundane that it feels so good to let go, spread our arms wide and soak up His goodness. I am reminded of the old Nestea commercials. The ones where folks gulp down a glass of tea and fall back into the water. I think that is what God needs from me right now. To take big gulps and drink Him in and then be so relaxed and at peace that I just free fall back into His arms KNOWING that He will catch me.
Peace (and Spiritual Nestea moments) to all who read...
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Finally! A few minutes to myself...
The kids are in school, my mother-in-law is getting herself ready for the day and Steve is sleeping in - as he should be. And all is right with the world. Okay - all is always right in God's world, I can just see it through his eyes today.
Steve is doing wonderful! If you did not know him and what he had been through for the last 2 weeks, you would have no idea that he had a cancer diagnosis and major surgery. But walk around with him for a few minutes and you will see this physically fit guy get winded going up stairs or just walking around. We both know that this will pass, but it hard to see him struggle with the simplest of destinations. As you may have read, in my previous post, we got the best news we could have ever been given! He may, in fact, now be a cancer survivor at this point! They got it all, it did not include the lymph nodes and it was found at an earlier stage than they first diagnosed! It was still cancer. And it was still bad - in the words of our surgeon "Lung cancer is a bad cancer to get." And he will carry this diagnosis with him for the rest of his life. And it will change the way his health care management is handled. And it will change the way we look at the rest of our life.
Everything in the last 60 days has pointed to the scripture Jeremiah 29:11. Not to beat a dead horse here (for those who have been following my blog), but that verse and the meaning behind it have appeared at the most appropriate and least expected moments. Some folks know that I have been praying that scripture since this all began and some had no idea. And those who had no idea would send something with that on it. In fact one card we received, had a beautiful inscription and lovely verse on the inside, but it wasn't until I turned the card over to the back (not sure why I did) that I noticed in small print the quote from Jeremiah. Steve & I have spent our lives grading his career by military standards (certain job placements and exposure meant that you were on the right track for excelling). And when certain things didn't come through, we would grade his career against others and ask, "Where did we go wrong? What could we have done different?"
In earlier post I said that I wanted to help God in the plan for mine and Steve's lives - help smooth the path, since I obviously know what makes us happy and fulfilled. I wanted God to let me in on the planning, give me a peak at what was to come. I feel like this whole scenario was just that. No, He did not give me a peak at the end of the story, but he did give us little glimpses along the way to quiet our Spirits. In fact, the night before surgery, as Steve was getting done with his pre-op shower, we were talking. And he looked at me and said, "I don't think God would have brought us this far and this way to have the cancer take me." And I believe him.
Even in all this, I still find ways to be amazed at God's timing. Most folks know that our move from Nebraska was very difficult for me. I attended an wonderful Wednesday morning Gretna Bible study (Amy - tell everyone how much I miss them!) that regularly did Beth Moore Studies. I miss that group so much - they were a neat bunch of ladies that welcomed anyone from any church! Oh, let me clarify - this was not the church we were members of. And it was quite a drive every Wednesday to go. But that was my quiet time with God. I did a lot of praying then. So when I heard that they were doing the Esther Study at the start of the new year, I was so jealous. Yep, I said it - jealous. And then I heard that my mother-law was starting it right after them at her church. I was getting ready to check out Beth's website because she has a listing of churches that register to do her studies, when I saw an announcement in our bulletin that we were starting this study in February. The Gretna group is already done (I think) and my mother-in law is almost done (1 more week I think) because their schedules were never compromised due to Spring break and Ash Wednesday services. But ours was. We are only on week 5 at this point. But oh, my how the schedule has blessed me. Even my slacker days (where I did 2 lessons at once because my head wasn't in it prior to then) were exactly what I needed at that precise moment. One Sunday afternoon, I sat outside in the garage while Steve was washing his car (with all that had been going on, I needed to be with him when ever possible - I did not want to take any moment for granted). I took my Study with me. I was working on day 2 of week 3. I got all the way to the last question in the lesson when I was pulled away to meet a new neighbor. I put up my book, with the intent of reading the last 2 paragraphs when I did day 3. And so the next morning, after the kids got off to school I opened my study to finish. Now, understand this -we knew that a bronchoscopy was happening this week and a possible needle biopsy after that, if no results could be determined from the 1st procedure. Here is a portion of what was in the last 2 paragraphs, "Every man-scheduled date subjected upon one of His children is written, not just on a doctor's calendar, a hospital's calendar or a trial judge's calendar. It is written on God's. For each person given one year to live, trust that time is God's alone to give." I stopped and stared wide-eyed at what I had just read. Then the tears flowed...in buckets! How could God use these words now? This was not what I needed to hear right now. Ordinarily, I would have shut my book and found something else to do. I could not handle this! But, not this time. I guess I felt like a glutton for punishment. So I moved on to day 3. At the bottom of the first page of this chapter Beth talks about how Satan's most effective tactic is to trap us in mental torment - fear! She then asks, "What situation most recently tempted you toward mental torment?" I needed both of those parts of the lesson together in that way on that very day! If I had done the lessons as planned, I would never have been moved as I was that day. The week prior, when I should have been doing the homework, we were still waiting on the 2nd ct scan. We were still positive that it was nothing but infection and the results of the ct scan would show it! But as we sat waiting for the next test to happen Satan tried to use Beth's interpretation of God's Word against me. But God allowed a little interruption in my "perfectly planned" Sunday afternoon to continue His even more perfect plan. Now fast forward a few weeks as I am catching up on the study I have missed due to surgery and such. It's week 4, day 4 and chapter titled. "For Such a Time as This." As I read the lessons and answer what questions I can (again,, I am tired and my head ain't quite in it) I read," Not only are you royalty but you also have been placed in your sphere of influence, regardless of the size you perceive it to be, 'for such a time as this.' Ecclesiastes 3:2 tells us there is 'a time to be born and a time to die.' God cut out those exact perimeters for you and me on the kingdom calendar so that we would be positioned on earth right now. Likewise, Acts 17:26 tells unflinchingly that God 'determined the times set for [us] and the exact places that [we] should live.' You see, even your current location is part of the set-up for your kingdom destiny. As we learned in one our earliest verses on providence in this series, in Christ, 'we are also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works everything in conformity with the purpose of His will' (Eph 1:11)..." Even my taking this study when I did was in His perfect plan. I needed those words and moments listed above at just the time I received them. Had I taken this study at any other time. I don't know that I would have gotten it. God even allowed my being a slacker at my homework to work in his favor! And those of you who know me, I am never a slacker when it comes to Beth's homework. I love her homework!
Oh, the God moments. I pray that I continue to praise His name in the good and the bad. I pray that I do not lose this feeling, this place, this moment with God.
Peace to all who read...
Steve is doing wonderful! If you did not know him and what he had been through for the last 2 weeks, you would have no idea that he had a cancer diagnosis and major surgery. But walk around with him for a few minutes and you will see this physically fit guy get winded going up stairs or just walking around. We both know that this will pass, but it hard to see him struggle with the simplest of destinations. As you may have read, in my previous post, we got the best news we could have ever been given! He may, in fact, now be a cancer survivor at this point! They got it all, it did not include the lymph nodes and it was found at an earlier stage than they first diagnosed! It was still cancer. And it was still bad - in the words of our surgeon "Lung cancer is a bad cancer to get." And he will carry this diagnosis with him for the rest of his life. And it will change the way his health care management is handled. And it will change the way we look at the rest of our life.
Everything in the last 60 days has pointed to the scripture Jeremiah 29:11. Not to beat a dead horse here (for those who have been following my blog), but that verse and the meaning behind it have appeared at the most appropriate and least expected moments. Some folks know that I have been praying that scripture since this all began and some had no idea. And those who had no idea would send something with that on it. In fact one card we received, had a beautiful inscription and lovely verse on the inside, but it wasn't until I turned the card over to the back (not sure why I did) that I noticed in small print the quote from Jeremiah. Steve & I have spent our lives grading his career by military standards (certain job placements and exposure meant that you were on the right track for excelling). And when certain things didn't come through, we would grade his career against others and ask, "Where did we go wrong? What could we have done different?"
In earlier post I said that I wanted to help God in the plan for mine and Steve's lives - help smooth the path, since I obviously know what makes us happy and fulfilled. I wanted God to let me in on the planning, give me a peak at what was to come. I feel like this whole scenario was just that. No, He did not give me a peak at the end of the story, but he did give us little glimpses along the way to quiet our Spirits. In fact, the night before surgery, as Steve was getting done with his pre-op shower, we were talking. And he looked at me and said, "I don't think God would have brought us this far and this way to have the cancer take me." And I believe him.
Even in all this, I still find ways to be amazed at God's timing. Most folks know that our move from Nebraska was very difficult for me. I attended an wonderful Wednesday morning Gretna Bible study (Amy - tell everyone how much I miss them!) that regularly did Beth Moore Studies. I miss that group so much - they were a neat bunch of ladies that welcomed anyone from any church! Oh, let me clarify - this was not the church we were members of. And it was quite a drive every Wednesday to go. But that was my quiet time with God. I did a lot of praying then. So when I heard that they were doing the Esther Study at the start of the new year, I was so jealous. Yep, I said it - jealous. And then I heard that my mother-law was starting it right after them at her church. I was getting ready to check out Beth's website because she has a listing of churches that register to do her studies, when I saw an announcement in our bulletin that we were starting this study in February. The Gretna group is already done (I think) and my mother-in law is almost done (1 more week I think) because their schedules were never compromised due to Spring break and Ash Wednesday services. But ours was. We are only on week 5 at this point. But oh, my how the schedule has blessed me. Even my slacker days (where I did 2 lessons at once because my head wasn't in it prior to then) were exactly what I needed at that precise moment. One Sunday afternoon, I sat outside in the garage while Steve was washing his car (with all that had been going on, I needed to be with him when ever possible - I did not want to take any moment for granted). I took my Study with me. I was working on day 2 of week 3. I got all the way to the last question in the lesson when I was pulled away to meet a new neighbor. I put up my book, with the intent of reading the last 2 paragraphs when I did day 3. And so the next morning, after the kids got off to school I opened my study to finish. Now, understand this -we knew that a bronchoscopy was happening this week and a possible needle biopsy after that, if no results could be determined from the 1st procedure. Here is a portion of what was in the last 2 paragraphs, "Every man-scheduled date subjected upon one of His children is written, not just on a doctor's calendar, a hospital's calendar or a trial judge's calendar. It is written on God's. For each person given one year to live, trust that time is God's alone to give." I stopped and stared wide-eyed at what I had just read. Then the tears flowed...in buckets! How could God use these words now? This was not what I needed to hear right now. Ordinarily, I would have shut my book and found something else to do. I could not handle this! But, not this time. I guess I felt like a glutton for punishment. So I moved on to day 3. At the bottom of the first page of this chapter Beth talks about how Satan's most effective tactic is to trap us in mental torment - fear! She then asks, "What situation most recently tempted you toward mental torment?" I needed both of those parts of the lesson together in that way on that very day! If I had done the lessons as planned, I would never have been moved as I was that day. The week prior, when I should have been doing the homework, we were still waiting on the 2nd ct scan. We were still positive that it was nothing but infection and the results of the ct scan would show it! But as we sat waiting for the next test to happen Satan tried to use Beth's interpretation of God's Word against me. But God allowed a little interruption in my "perfectly planned" Sunday afternoon to continue His even more perfect plan. Now fast forward a few weeks as I am catching up on the study I have missed due to surgery and such. It's week 4, day 4 and chapter titled. "For Such a Time as This." As I read the lessons and answer what questions I can (again,, I am tired and my head ain't quite in it) I read," Not only are you royalty but you also have been placed in your sphere of influence, regardless of the size you perceive it to be, 'for such a time as this.' Ecclesiastes 3:2 tells us there is 'a time to be born and a time to die.' God cut out those exact perimeters for you and me on the kingdom calendar so that we would be positioned on earth right now. Likewise, Acts 17:26 tells unflinchingly that God 'determined the times set for [us] and the exact places that [we] should live.' You see, even your current location is part of the set-up for your kingdom destiny. As we learned in one our earliest verses on providence in this series, in Christ, 'we are also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works everything in conformity with the purpose of His will' (Eph 1:11)..." Even my taking this study when I did was in His perfect plan. I needed those words and moments listed above at just the time I received them. Had I taken this study at any other time. I don't know that I would have gotten it. God even allowed my being a slacker at my homework to work in his favor! And those of you who know me, I am never a slacker when it comes to Beth's homework. I love her homework!
Oh, the God moments. I pray that I continue to praise His name in the good and the bad. I pray that I do not lose this feeling, this place, this moment with God.
Peace to all who read...
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Real quick update!!!!
1st - We are home!!!
2nd - He feels really good, just sore.
3rd - drum roll please....the Doc just called (at 8:30 at night!) to tell us he got the path report: All lymph nodes are negative! The cancer has been reclassified from a 1B to a 1A!!!!!!
Praise God!!!!
Peace (and JOY!) to all who read...
2nd - He feels really good, just sore.
3rd - drum roll please....the Doc just called (at 8:30 at night!) to tell us he got the path report: All lymph nodes are negative! The cancer has been reclassified from a 1B to a 1A!!!!!!
Praise God!!!!
Peace (and JOY!) to all who read...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I'm tired...but it's a good kinda tired.
Picture this: You are in a hospital room with your 41 year old non-smoking husband who had lung cancer surgery. You leave thinking, "This has been one of the best days we have had in over a month!" It truly was. He was Steve again. His personality was back. He was smiling, joking with the staff, shaving and begging to be taken on walks because he was getting bored and tired in his room. So we walked and walked and walked. It was wonderful, except for all the medical equipment that we have to drag along to include nursing staff - knocks the romance right off the moment. :-) But who cares. He wanted to be out. When lunch rolled around he did not want anything off the hospital menu, so I went to the cafeteria down stairs, had subs made for us and got chips. And there we sat in room 6 of 3 North. He in his recliner, me in a chair opposite of him with his hospital tray between us covered with our lunch. And then we held hands and he blessed it. It was the first normal moment we have had in weeks. Who knew one could have such a wonderful lunch date in a hospital room! It was better than any meal shared anywhere else (other than pizza movie night with the kiddos - which will hopefully be right around the corner). If all goes well, he will have his chest tubes out tomorrow and can come either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday morning.
But, oh the things I take for granted. I had reality slap me in the face yesterday. Yes, he had a much better day, but he still wasn't Steve. And at the end of the evening when he lay in his bed exhausted from all his work, he looked so vulnerable and weak. All I wanted to do was crawl in the bed next to him and snuggle - something we have not done since we woke up on Friday morning. It was then I remembered a conversation earlier in the day about borrowing a recliner for the house (it's here now). He would not be in the bed with me. Getting him home is not going to erase what we have gone through. I spent my entire ride home from the hospital last night crying my eyes out to a friend in Nebraska about how ungrateful I was being. A week ago all I wanted was for the Pet Scan to be clear. It was. We celebrated. Then it was all I wanted was for the surgery to be successful and Steve to come through it alive and well. Got that too. Apparently not enough for me though. Then all I wanted was to bring Steve home. Some how it seemed to me that bringing him home made it all go away. But as I saw him there in that bed in pain, I knew that even at home life would not be normal for a long while. And as I told him, " I just want it to be 6 months ago when it seem that all was right with the world." And his reply was, "Or 6 months from now when it will all feel right again." I am not very good at living in the moment (as someone on line or in an e-mail instructed me to do). I want to read to the end of the book. I want to know NOW that the good guy wins. And wins the way I want him too. I continue to ask God for peace and He continues to give me small victories to have peace with, but I want the big ones. And I want them now. As I pouring out my heart last night, I told my friend that I knew we needed to make this journey and we needed to make it in God's time. To speed it up or to skip portions of it means to skip the blessings He has in store for us. Like my lunch date in Steve's hospital room. My father-in-law told me that when we get to the other side of this, we will be changed. And I truly believe that. I am looking forward to the person God is making us to be in all this. To be remolded and shaped is a painful process, but so is training for the Boston Marathon (like our nutty pastor back in Nebraska - still haven't figured that one out). And so is bending to His will. It makes me think of the scripture in Malachi 3 -"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." A story is told of a women's Bible study that were puzzled by this verse so that asked a silversmith what it meant to refine and purify silver. The silversmith tells the ladies of how he has to sit in front of the fire with the silver in the hottest part to burn away the impurities. But that he has to take it out at just the right time or it will be destroyed. When asked how he knew when it was fully refined, he says "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it." God did not throw us in the fire. He is holding tightly to us and making sure that we are not destroyed and that we come out on the other side of this better than when we went in - seeing His image in us.
Peace to all who read...
But, oh the things I take for granted. I had reality slap me in the face yesterday. Yes, he had a much better day, but he still wasn't Steve. And at the end of the evening when he lay in his bed exhausted from all his work, he looked so vulnerable and weak. All I wanted to do was crawl in the bed next to him and snuggle - something we have not done since we woke up on Friday morning. It was then I remembered a conversation earlier in the day about borrowing a recliner for the house (it's here now). He would not be in the bed with me. Getting him home is not going to erase what we have gone through. I spent my entire ride home from the hospital last night crying my eyes out to a friend in Nebraska about how ungrateful I was being. A week ago all I wanted was for the Pet Scan to be clear. It was. We celebrated. Then it was all I wanted was for the surgery to be successful and Steve to come through it alive and well. Got that too. Apparently not enough for me though. Then all I wanted was to bring Steve home. Some how it seemed to me that bringing him home made it all go away. But as I saw him there in that bed in pain, I knew that even at home life would not be normal for a long while. And as I told him, " I just want it to be 6 months ago when it seem that all was right with the world." And his reply was, "Or 6 months from now when it will all feel right again." I am not very good at living in the moment (as someone on line or in an e-mail instructed me to do). I want to read to the end of the book. I want to know NOW that the good guy wins. And wins the way I want him too. I continue to ask God for peace and He continues to give me small victories to have peace with, but I want the big ones. And I want them now. As I pouring out my heart last night, I told my friend that I knew we needed to make this journey and we needed to make it in God's time. To speed it up or to skip portions of it means to skip the blessings He has in store for us. Like my lunch date in Steve's hospital room. My father-in-law told me that when we get to the other side of this, we will be changed. And I truly believe that. I am looking forward to the person God is making us to be in all this. To be remolded and shaped is a painful process, but so is training for the Boston Marathon (like our nutty pastor back in Nebraska - still haven't figured that one out). And so is bending to His will. It makes me think of the scripture in Malachi 3 -"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." A story is told of a women's Bible study that were puzzled by this verse so that asked a silversmith what it meant to refine and purify silver. The silversmith tells the ladies of how he has to sit in front of the fire with the silver in the hottest part to burn away the impurities. But that he has to take it out at just the right time or it will be destroyed. When asked how he knew when it was fully refined, he says "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it." God did not throw us in the fire. He is holding tightly to us and making sure that we are not destroyed and that we come out on the other side of this better than when we went in - seeing His image in us.
Peace to all who read...
Monday, March 16, 2009
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning
I called the hospital this morning at 5:45am to get update before shift change at 7am. According to his nurse, Joel, he had a fantastic night. Yes.... Hadn't had one of those yet.
While we were still in ICU I was constantly reminded of our blessings (really great doctors, nurses, and friends). But I was also remind that our bodies are only temporary and that we are just passing through. When Steve became a little more awake in ICU, the nurse asked if he would like to watch tv, but she would first have to find a remote control - there apparently was only one in the unit. When I asked why, she said that she was sure that there were more at one time, but that as they got lost there were in no hurry to replace them, because many of her patients were never in any shape to watch tv. Whoa. And as I would leave the unit in the evening, I would see patients in other rooms that were on the last leg of their journeys while Steve, on the other hand, is trying just to clear a hurdle on his. Many of these folks and had few, if any, visitors. While Steve had many folks, stopping by very briefly, to show that they cared. Not a comparison of "popularity," just a real wide eyed look at where we are on our journey right now.
Yes, yesterday was rough, but at the end of the day, he was getting better. And his mindset was better. Today maybe rough too, but he is alive and on the mend (despite his attitude). And for that we are blessed. He is surrounded by people who love him -that are cheering him on.
Well, I better close and get ready to go... prayers that he is ready to help in his recovery today. God is good, all the time...
Peace to all who read...
While we were still in ICU I was constantly reminded of our blessings (really great doctors, nurses, and friends). But I was also remind that our bodies are only temporary and that we are just passing through. When Steve became a little more awake in ICU, the nurse asked if he would like to watch tv, but she would first have to find a remote control - there apparently was only one in the unit. When I asked why, she said that she was sure that there were more at one time, but that as they got lost there were in no hurry to replace them, because many of her patients were never in any shape to watch tv. Whoa. And as I would leave the unit in the evening, I would see patients in other rooms that were on the last leg of their journeys while Steve, on the other hand, is trying just to clear a hurdle on his. Many of these folks and had few, if any, visitors. While Steve had many folks, stopping by very briefly, to show that they cared. Not a comparison of "popularity," just a real wide eyed look at where we are on our journey right now.
Yes, yesterday was rough, but at the end of the day, he was getting better. And his mindset was better. Today maybe rough too, but he is alive and on the mend (despite his attitude). And for that we are blessed. He is surrounded by people who love him -that are cheering him on.
Well, I better close and get ready to go... prayers that he is ready to help in his recovery today. God is good, all the time...
Peace to all who read...
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Too tired to think straight...
Just a real quick update:
Got home from the hospital about a half hour ago. Let's just say that he had a better night than he did a day. It was rough. He just did not seem to want to participate in his recovery today. And there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. He was miserable most of the day. The good news out of all of this, is that he is out of ICU. They moved him to what they refer to as a Step Down Unit - Not quite so Intensive Care Unit. He did many of his tubes removed - we are down to one IV, 2 chest tubes & and the epidural. But I think he turned a corner tonight. I will try and get up tomorrow morning and post more, I am just way to tired to put together a complete sentence right now. But here is praying that we are on our way forward and not back!
Peace (and rest) to all who read...
Got home from the hospital about a half hour ago. Let's just say that he had a better night than he did a day. It was rough. He just did not seem to want to participate in his recovery today. And there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. He was miserable most of the day. The good news out of all of this, is that he is out of ICU. They moved him to what they refer to as a Step Down Unit - Not quite so Intensive Care Unit. He did many of his tubes removed - we are down to one IV, 2 chest tubes & and the epidural. But I think he turned a corner tonight. I will try and get up tomorrow morning and post more, I am just way to tired to put together a complete sentence right now. But here is praying that we are on our way forward and not back!
Peace (and rest) to all who read...
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Good Morning!
Yes, it is!
Sorry about the awkward posts yesterday. My iphone would not let me type in the body of the post, just the title. Go figure.
Well, I was kicked out at around 9 last night. Okay, kicked out is a little strong, they were going to allow me to stay a little past visiting hours (9am-9pm) but since they were NOT allowing me to stay the night. Not happy about that, but what are you going to do.
As most of you know, his surgery went VERY well. They think they got it all and the margins were clean and defined. When someone complained of how dreary and yucky our weather was, I said, "On the contrary, this is the most beautiful day we have ever had in San Antonio!" And it was (and still is).
The first few hours in ICU were rough - they could not manage his pain! It was awful. But after several drugs and an adjusting to the epidural, we had a couple of great hours. So good in fact that when the doc (who has a Greek first name - Petros) came in to check on Steve, Steve said, 'Hey Pete, what's the skinny?" He does not go by Pete. :-) But alas, those hours came to an end and he require much more medication and he did a lot of sleeping - not a bad thing though. When I left, he was ready to call it a night and I turned off all the lights and went home.
I called his nurse this morning, and he a great night and was just then sitting up in a chair. Yea! The first step to getting out of the ICU and moving to the "step down unit" AKA NSICU - Not so intensive care unit. But it's not a regular ward either. Better nurse to patient ratio.
Will post as I am able. I was way to tired to even think of trying to formulate sentences last night. I may post real quick "title" updates, during the day today. But don't quote me on that.
All your prayers have definitely been felt through this process. I will tell you that we have not missed an opportunity to share how God's hand has been in this. In fact, it is really pretty easy. Every one's first question is usually, "So how did they find this cancer?" And then we start with, "Well, I fell off the roof taking down Christmas lights..." And then we give them the background of how we even got to San Antonio to begin with. It's pretty smooth, actually.... :-) Even God's perfect plan included witnessing opportunities! Yea God!
Well, gotta run. Long day ahead of us. But I am excited to get back up there and see Steve! Keep those prayers coming for ALL of us.
Peace to all read...
Sorry about the awkward posts yesterday. My iphone would not let me type in the body of the post, just the title. Go figure.
Well, I was kicked out at around 9 last night. Okay, kicked out is a little strong, they were going to allow me to stay a little past visiting hours (9am-9pm) but since they were NOT allowing me to stay the night. Not happy about that, but what are you going to do.
As most of you know, his surgery went VERY well. They think they got it all and the margins were clean and defined. When someone complained of how dreary and yucky our weather was, I said, "On the contrary, this is the most beautiful day we have ever had in San Antonio!" And it was (and still is).
The first few hours in ICU were rough - they could not manage his pain! It was awful. But after several drugs and an adjusting to the epidural, we had a couple of great hours. So good in fact that when the doc (who has a Greek first name - Petros) came in to check on Steve, Steve said, 'Hey Pete, what's the skinny?" He does not go by Pete. :-) But alas, those hours came to an end and he require much more medication and he did a lot of sleeping - not a bad thing though. When I left, he was ready to call it a night and I turned off all the lights and went home.
I called his nurse this morning, and he a great night and was just then sitting up in a chair. Yea! The first step to getting out of the ICU and moving to the "step down unit" AKA NSICU - Not so intensive care unit. But it's not a regular ward either. Better nurse to patient ratio.
Will post as I am able. I was way to tired to even think of trying to formulate sentences last night. I may post real quick "title" updates, during the day today. But don't quote me on that.
All your prayers have definitely been felt through this process. I will tell you that we have not missed an opportunity to share how God's hand has been in this. In fact, it is really pretty easy. Every one's first question is usually, "So how did they find this cancer?" And then we start with, "Well, I fell off the roof taking down Christmas lights..." And then we give them the background of how we even got to San Antonio to begin with. It's pretty smooth, actually.... :-) Even God's perfect plan included witnessing opportunities! Yea God!
Well, gotta run. Long day ahead of us. But I am excited to get back up there and see Steve! Keep those prayers coming for ALL of us.
Peace to all read...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A celebration in Texas tonight!
How do I even begin? Every post since this ordeal started has been a cry from the heart. Tonight it is a cry of a different kind. We got the PET Scan results - and they were awesome! Okay, yes he still has cancer, but there was NOTHING new on there. No abnormal activity! Nothing to indicate there was anything else going on!!!!! Ever medical person we saw today (after the results were posted to his computer file) were celebrating with us! The only tears I shed today were tears of joy.
It does not take a CSI to see the fingerprints of God all over this one. I eluded to messages of hope over the last week or so. But to be honest, I did not want to believe them. I am hoping, praying and CLAIMING a complete cure for the love of my life. My heart did not want to accept anything less than that. And I still don't. But I know God's plan is perfect. End of story. I think I am starting to believe... It started when (as I mentioned in an earlier post) I was looking for a scripture to use in my Beth Moore Scripture memory group. And low and behold, the Lord gave me, not what I was looking for, but what I needed. I left the house, right after that, to go be an escort for a member of Steve's staff that had a medical appointment. I grabbed the book I was reading and the next in the series (just in case I finished the first) and headed out the door. When I got to the hospital, I noticed the title of what I was reading "Test of Faith." Hmmm... interesting. It's just a cutesy Guide Post Series, so the titles are kind of irrelevant to me. They are feel good stories. But then I looked at the title of the next one - "The Best is Yet to be!" That Robert Browning quote was spoken about us on our wedding video by Steve's mom. Yes, I cried. Been doing a lot of that. So I sat down and started reading while Tina was in her appointment and there in the first couple of pages was a portion of the scripture I had been looking for. The character in the book cries, "Kate, get a hold of your self. God did not give you a spirit of fear!" Whoa. It was like a gift from God. I know, it's just a quote. But I really felt like God kept me from finding it so that He could give it to me personally. It's great to work for something, but isn't it wonderful when someone, out of the blue, just gives it to you, no strings attached? That scripture meant so much more that way. On Thursday night, when we knew were going in to get results the next morning, I pulled out a book by Beth Moore called "Jesus Day by Day." I had picked it up at Family Christian one day (it was on sale) and thought, "It's Beth Moore, I'm sure I will enjoy it." I put it on my night stand some time during the Christmas season and never opened it. Until Thursday, that is. I started flipping through the pages just looking and not feeling drawn to any particular passage. You know those ribbon like bookmarks that are attached to books? Well, this one had one. For reason I found myself looking to see what passage had been marked by the bookmaker. You wonder if they have a particular reason for where they place it, or is it just stuck in the center of the book. Well the passage that was marked spoke of how Satan's most effective device is to trap us over matters of faith - to make us doubt the goodness and mightiness of Christ! She also says: the hand of God is at work directing divine purpose and blessing in all the affairs of those who don't let perceived activity or inactivity of Christ trap them or make them stumble. Wow. You would think that would have been enough for me. But it wasn't, cuz there was a little more bookmark that would have stuck out at the bottom had it not been tucked up in another section of the book. Of, course, I went there. Here is what was there: "Try as I might, I cannot imagine what purpose some illnesses and premature deaths serve. But after years of loving and seeking my God, I trust who He is even when I have no idea what He's doing. Above all things, I believe God always has a purpose in every decision He makes. Jesus healed people many times, but His healings were always with purpose and intent." Amen to that! Wow again. She had more to say, but you get the idea. I keep asking for signs and messages and He continues to send them whether I am listening or not. And for that I am very thankful.
Well, it's getting late and we have a big day tomorrow. We have a show time of 5:45am with a predicted start time of 8:30. I will do my best to post from my phone and let you know how it is going.
And please continue to pray - we are not out of the woods just yet, but I see the light and it looks a lot like Jesus!
Oh, I need to share something else. You know how I told you that God looked like a wonderful basket of cut fruit? Here are a couple more for ya:
God looks like a retired man walking up and down the street in his bare feet looking to borrow jumper cables to jump start our van.
God looks like another retired family that says: I will take your mother-in-law to the hospital when ever you need her.
God looks like a family that showed up at our house this evening with a spaghetti dinner after a long day doing pre-op stuff.
God looks like another family that will be going to the airport late tomorrow night to bring our babysitter to help with the kids.
And God looks like that babysitter who was supposed to come out to spend Spring break but now wouldn't want to be anywhere else during this time in our lives.
Keep praying! They're working!!
Peace (and JOY) to all who read...
It does not take a CSI to see the fingerprints of God all over this one. I eluded to messages of hope over the last week or so. But to be honest, I did not want to believe them. I am hoping, praying and CLAIMING a complete cure for the love of my life. My heart did not want to accept anything less than that. And I still don't. But I know God's plan is perfect. End of story. I think I am starting to believe... It started when (as I mentioned in an earlier post) I was looking for a scripture to use in my Beth Moore Scripture memory group. And low and behold, the Lord gave me, not what I was looking for, but what I needed. I left the house, right after that, to go be an escort for a member of Steve's staff that had a medical appointment. I grabbed the book I was reading and the next in the series (just in case I finished the first) and headed out the door. When I got to the hospital, I noticed the title of what I was reading "Test of Faith." Hmmm... interesting. It's just a cutesy Guide Post Series, so the titles are kind of irrelevant to me. They are feel good stories. But then I looked at the title of the next one - "The Best is Yet to be!" That Robert Browning quote was spoken about us on our wedding video by Steve's mom. Yes, I cried. Been doing a lot of that. So I sat down and started reading while Tina was in her appointment and there in the first couple of pages was a portion of the scripture I had been looking for. The character in the book cries, "Kate, get a hold of your self. God did not give you a spirit of fear!" Whoa. It was like a gift from God. I know, it's just a quote. But I really felt like God kept me from finding it so that He could give it to me personally. It's great to work for something, but isn't it wonderful when someone, out of the blue, just gives it to you, no strings attached? That scripture meant so much more that way. On Thursday night, when we knew were going in to get results the next morning, I pulled out a book by Beth Moore called "Jesus Day by Day." I had picked it up at Family Christian one day (it was on sale) and thought, "It's Beth Moore, I'm sure I will enjoy it." I put it on my night stand some time during the Christmas season and never opened it. Until Thursday, that is. I started flipping through the pages just looking and not feeling drawn to any particular passage. You know those ribbon like bookmarks that are attached to books? Well, this one had one. For reason I found myself looking to see what passage had been marked by the bookmaker. You wonder if they have a particular reason for where they place it, or is it just stuck in the center of the book. Well the passage that was marked spoke of how Satan's most effective device is to trap us over matters of faith - to make us doubt the goodness and mightiness of Christ! She also says: the hand of God is at work directing divine purpose and blessing in all the affairs of those who don't let perceived activity or inactivity of Christ trap them or make them stumble. Wow. You would think that would have been enough for me. But it wasn't, cuz there was a little more bookmark that would have stuck out at the bottom had it not been tucked up in another section of the book. Of, course, I went there. Here is what was there: "Try as I might, I cannot imagine what purpose some illnesses and premature deaths serve. But after years of loving and seeking my God, I trust who He is even when I have no idea what He's doing. Above all things, I believe God always has a purpose in every decision He makes. Jesus healed people many times, but His healings were always with purpose and intent." Amen to that! Wow again. She had more to say, but you get the idea. I keep asking for signs and messages and He continues to send them whether I am listening or not. And for that I am very thankful.
Well, it's getting late and we have a big day tomorrow. We have a show time of 5:45am with a predicted start time of 8:30. I will do my best to post from my phone and let you know how it is going.
And please continue to pray - we are not out of the woods just yet, but I see the light and it looks a lot like Jesus!
Oh, I need to share something else. You know how I told you that God looked like a wonderful basket of cut fruit? Here are a couple more for ya:
God looks like a retired man walking up and down the street in his bare feet looking to borrow jumper cables to jump start our van.
God looks like another retired family that says: I will take your mother-in-law to the hospital when ever you need her.
God looks like a family that showed up at our house this evening with a spaghetti dinner after a long day doing pre-op stuff.
God looks like another family that will be going to the airport late tomorrow night to bring our babysitter to help with the kids.
And God looks like that babysitter who was supposed to come out to spend Spring break but now wouldn't want to be anywhere else during this time in our lives.
Keep praying! They're working!!
Peace (and JOY) to all who read...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Surgery is scheduled
This is just a quick update for those following this:
Steve is having surgery on Friday at 6am! But first we have to get through the PET Scan on Wednesday and our prayer for that is that is shows nothing but what is already there.
We have a long recovery ahead of us. A week in the hospital with some of that in ICU. And then a month at home and them some chemo...
I KNOW God can take this away. I know that He can heal Steve. I just don't know if that is in His plan, and that's what scares me.
Please pray!!!!
Some of my posts will be from my iphone at the hospital. So please forgive any spelling or grammar errors!
Peace to all who read...
Steve is having surgery on Friday at 6am! But first we have to get through the PET Scan on Wednesday and our prayer for that is that is shows nothing but what is already there.
We have a long recovery ahead of us. A week in the hospital with some of that in ICU. And then a month at home and them some chemo...
I KNOW God can take this away. I know that He can heal Steve. I just don't know if that is in His plan, and that's what scares me.
Please pray!!!!
Some of my posts will be from my iphone at the hospital. So please forgive any spelling or grammar errors!
Peace to all who read...
Whine Alert #1
Okay, this is just a quick post to whine for a moment. Feel free to quit reading right now, I will understand. I hate whining - especially mine. It really gets on my nerves. But our last 24 hours would almost be funny, if it weren't for this cancer thing. But I need to vent...
Since I last posted here is was has been happening:
1. Steve takes van to get gas and is sideswiped by an SUV that never knows he hit us and drives away. Steve gets all the info, but now how to proceed - calling USAA today. Major dings and scratches, that's all.
2. Battery dies on same vehicle - yes, Steve did leave the keys in it, but sheesh...could it not hold a charge??? And our jumper cables are missing!
3. Washing machine decided that, for political reasons, it will no longer spin during the spin cycle. I guess the washer is having a Bill O'Reilly moment.
Okay - I have had it. Can't we just have the cancer please? Who thought I would ever say that? There is $$ in the bank to cover any and all of the expenses that will occur from the above mentioned. But it just seems like all this little stuff - and that what it is - little stuff, is beating us down.
This is going to be an exhausting week - trying to be at Dr.'s appointment, be home or elsewhere to get repairs done, tie up all those loose ends I mentioned in the last post AND try and make this week of Spring Break somewhat normal for the kids (squeezing in trips to SeaWorld & Six Flags).
Okay enough whining...
I now return you to your regular programing.
Peace to all who read...
Since I last posted here is was has been happening:
1. Steve takes van to get gas and is sideswiped by an SUV that never knows he hit us and drives away. Steve gets all the info, but now how to proceed - calling USAA today. Major dings and scratches, that's all.
2. Battery dies on same vehicle - yes, Steve did leave the keys in it, but sheesh...could it not hold a charge??? And our jumper cables are missing!
3. Washing machine decided that, for political reasons, it will no longer spin during the spin cycle. I guess the washer is having a Bill O'Reilly moment.
Okay - I have had it. Can't we just have the cancer please? Who thought I would ever say that? There is $$ in the bank to cover any and all of the expenses that will occur from the above mentioned. But it just seems like all this little stuff - and that what it is - little stuff, is beating us down.
This is going to be an exhausting week - trying to be at Dr.'s appointment, be home or elsewhere to get repairs done, tie up all those loose ends I mentioned in the last post AND try and make this week of Spring Break somewhat normal for the kids (squeezing in trips to SeaWorld & Six Flags).
Okay enough whining...
I now return you to your regular programing.
Peace to all who read...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A brief calm before the storm...
Hubby and the kids are out of the house working on Pinewood Derby cars. Didn't realize that I would have some time to myself today - or any day in the next few weeks. But I am glad I do.
The words that have freely flowed (in my eyes) when I sit at this keyboard, are kinda stuck. One moment I feel like I have the answers and the peace. And the next moment...not so much.
I held up amazingly well when we were in the doc's office. I heard what we needed to hear. I knew the plan and I knew that the prognosis was good. But even that is difficult to hear because it is not just your routine, "Oh he will be fine when this is all over with." Those answers come out something like,"We are looking at a 70% survival rate for 5 years or more..." or something to that effect. Before all this started you always think you have %100 chance of being where you want to be in 5, 10 or 25 years. And yes, 70 is good. But it's not a guarantee. And I do know that there are no guarantees, but when staring it in the face, you realize what you are up against. I want to hear that he has a 70%chance of getting picked up for Air War College or getting selected for Full Colonel. We are celebrating around here in TX if we have a prediction of 70% chance of rain. But when it comes to a loved one, ANYTHING less than %100 is not acceptable. Here is another "percentage" for ya - of all lung cancer patients, 10% have never used tobacco products. Gee...Steve is in an elite group. Think we would rather pass on that membership.
I still firmly believe that God is in control of all of this. But it sure doesn't make the waiting any easier. I have moments when I am on the phone or chatting with someone where I feel really good and feel the hope in all of this. Then I can turn around in the next breath and swallowed up in sadness. I get dizzy and nauseous and feel like I can't breathe and wonder where God is in all of this. I have to hide those moments from the kids. So I have been in my closet a lot lately. Steve understands, but I know I am not making it any easier on him. I constantly find myself apologizing to him, but he just smiles and says, "Well, one of us has to be calm, cool and collected, and one of us has to be the frayed nerve. Which do you want to be?" But I am just tired of unraveling. I keep finding what I feel are messages of hope from God. But I am scared to believe them because I never thought that God would allow the news we got on Friday.
I have been analyzing the words in Jeremiah 29:11 (the Message) in the last several days preparing myself for this time. "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out -" Okay, that is why we are here. Got it. Couldn't be more plain. "...plans to take care of you and not abandon you,..." Yep, already seeing it. The doc is moving quickly. Friends and family are the ready to come out, come over, and do what ever is necessary. We know we are not alone in all of this. It's that last line of the scripture that gets me, "...plans to give you the future you hope for." My future involves that big goofy guy who has 3 children that look just like him and love him more than he knows. My future is to spend our retirement going to every baseball stadium in the US with one of the biggest Johnny Bench fans. My future includes getting out all of our children's wooden Thomas trains and setting up a Thomas wonderland for our grandkids with one of the most obnoxious train nuts I have even been blessed to know.
So, I have been arguing with God. And bargaining, I'm sure. I have heard a lot lately about those strong in faith doubting God (not that I place my self in that category) - our pastor preached on John Wesley's doubting this morning. It doesn't feel like doubting, though. I argue with Him as if I could change His mind. And although I know His plan is PERFECT (no bones about that), I wonder how could putting our family and my husband through this be perfect. So I cry out (when no one is around, hopefully) and try to understand. I am so ready to turn this tapestry of our life over and see the beautiful work that God has woven. I am already sick of seeing the back - full of loose threads (me), knots (Steve) and a mess(the cancer).
Tomorrow is a big day. We have an 11am appointment with the chest surgeon for our initial consult. We are hoping he will move as swiftly as the other docs have. We don't feel anything is being rushed here. There have not been any real decisions to make. His stage and type of cancer warrant surgery. End of story. Okay, we could have probably talked about other options. But this is the way they treat it. Get it out. We are okay with that. We did not invite it in in the first place.
And on Wednesday is an even bigger day. Steve has a PET Scan to check the rest of his body for "hot spots." AKA - more cancer. I think I am the most fearful of this appointment. Nothing more to say about that.
There is so much we need to do to ready ourselves for all of this. When you are staring such major surgery in the face, you realize,"OMG! I have too many loose ends out there." And begins the tying of those ends...
1. Continue to press the AF to send another W2 for our dity move so we can file our taxes.
2. Get the cars registered here - tags expire this month
3. Get Pinewood Derby cars made - race is on the 21st
4. Get Mom out here to take care of the kids. They NEED normalcy. And Mom is as close as we are going to get... :-)
I know that I have more followers of this blog now. Initially I never told anyone about it. If they found it fine. And the initial intent of the blog (back in Dec) was to vent about the Air Force. And how Steve & I remain Christian and sane in a very political climate. And we struggle with adjusting and how God always comes through. But I guess that will change here for a while. I have a facebook account (as does Steve), but I don't feel comfortable sharing the ins and outs of our cancer (and yes, it is OUR cancer - it is not just Steve's) although I have friends who do use their accounts for that. But, as I am able, I will post. On good days, I might "wax poetic" on how wonderful God has been in all this and some days I might send a quick blurb from my iPhone because that is all I can muster. We want people to know, but we are not making this our mantra. We are the Gibsons. We love our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He has blessed us with 3 wonderful children. Steve is the proud commander of the 331st TRS, Asst. Cubmaster to our boys Pack and oh by the way - he is battling cancer right now.
We look forward to the day where this is nothing more than a part of our testimony. Another obstacle that God got us through. And He will, it's how He plans on doing it that gives me hope and scares me all at the same time. He has only good things for us. God couldn't have given me anything better than Steve. How do you perfect that?
So feel free to stop by and see what's up. You might be surprised by my hopefulness one day or tune out the next because of my anger that I might aim at God. But that is okay, He is ready for it. I think He expects it. I think He would rather have my honesty than my poetry.
Peace to all who read...
The words that have freely flowed (in my eyes) when I sit at this keyboard, are kinda stuck. One moment I feel like I have the answers and the peace. And the next moment...not so much.
I held up amazingly well when we were in the doc's office. I heard what we needed to hear. I knew the plan and I knew that the prognosis was good. But even that is difficult to hear because it is not just your routine, "Oh he will be fine when this is all over with." Those answers come out something like,"We are looking at a 70% survival rate for 5 years or more..." or something to that effect. Before all this started you always think you have %100 chance of being where you want to be in 5, 10 or 25 years. And yes, 70 is good. But it's not a guarantee. And I do know that there are no guarantees, but when staring it in the face, you realize what you are up against. I want to hear that he has a 70%chance of getting picked up for Air War College or getting selected for Full Colonel. We are celebrating around here in TX if we have a prediction of 70% chance of rain. But when it comes to a loved one, ANYTHING less than %100 is not acceptable. Here is another "percentage" for ya - of all lung cancer patients, 10% have never used tobacco products. Gee...Steve is in an elite group. Think we would rather pass on that membership.
I still firmly believe that God is in control of all of this. But it sure doesn't make the waiting any easier. I have moments when I am on the phone or chatting with someone where I feel really good and feel the hope in all of this. Then I can turn around in the next breath and swallowed up in sadness. I get dizzy and nauseous and feel like I can't breathe and wonder where God is in all of this. I have to hide those moments from the kids. So I have been in my closet a lot lately. Steve understands, but I know I am not making it any easier on him. I constantly find myself apologizing to him, but he just smiles and says, "Well, one of us has to be calm, cool and collected, and one of us has to be the frayed nerve. Which do you want to be?" But I am just tired of unraveling. I keep finding what I feel are messages of hope from God. But I am scared to believe them because I never thought that God would allow the news we got on Friday.
I have been analyzing the words in Jeremiah 29:11 (the Message) in the last several days preparing myself for this time. "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out -" Okay, that is why we are here. Got it. Couldn't be more plain. "...plans to take care of you and not abandon you,..." Yep, already seeing it. The doc is moving quickly. Friends and family are the ready to come out, come over, and do what ever is necessary. We know we are not alone in all of this. It's that last line of the scripture that gets me, "...plans to give you the future you hope for." My future involves that big goofy guy who has 3 children that look just like him and love him more than he knows. My future is to spend our retirement going to every baseball stadium in the US with one of the biggest Johnny Bench fans. My future includes getting out all of our children's wooden Thomas trains and setting up a Thomas wonderland for our grandkids with one of the most obnoxious train nuts I have even been blessed to know.
So, I have been arguing with God. And bargaining, I'm sure. I have heard a lot lately about those strong in faith doubting God (not that I place my self in that category) - our pastor preached on John Wesley's doubting this morning. It doesn't feel like doubting, though. I argue with Him as if I could change His mind. And although I know His plan is PERFECT (no bones about that), I wonder how could putting our family and my husband through this be perfect. So I cry out (when no one is around, hopefully) and try to understand. I am so ready to turn this tapestry of our life over and see the beautiful work that God has woven. I am already sick of seeing the back - full of loose threads (me), knots (Steve) and a mess(the cancer).
Tomorrow is a big day. We have an 11am appointment with the chest surgeon for our initial consult. We are hoping he will move as swiftly as the other docs have. We don't feel anything is being rushed here. There have not been any real decisions to make. His stage and type of cancer warrant surgery. End of story. Okay, we could have probably talked about other options. But this is the way they treat it. Get it out. We are okay with that. We did not invite it in in the first place.
And on Wednesday is an even bigger day. Steve has a PET Scan to check the rest of his body for "hot spots." AKA - more cancer. I think I am the most fearful of this appointment. Nothing more to say about that.
There is so much we need to do to ready ourselves for all of this. When you are staring such major surgery in the face, you realize,"OMG! I have too many loose ends out there." And begins the tying of those ends...
1. Continue to press the AF to send another W2 for our dity move so we can file our taxes.
2. Get the cars registered here - tags expire this month
3. Get Pinewood Derby cars made - race is on the 21st
4. Get Mom out here to take care of the kids. They NEED normalcy. And Mom is as close as we are going to get... :-)
I know that I have more followers of this blog now. Initially I never told anyone about it. If they found it fine. And the initial intent of the blog (back in Dec) was to vent about the Air Force. And how Steve & I remain Christian and sane in a very political climate. And we struggle with adjusting and how God always comes through. But I guess that will change here for a while. I have a facebook account (as does Steve), but I don't feel comfortable sharing the ins and outs of our cancer (and yes, it is OUR cancer - it is not just Steve's) although I have friends who do use their accounts for that. But, as I am able, I will post. On good days, I might "wax poetic" on how wonderful God has been in all this and some days I might send a quick blurb from my iPhone because that is all I can muster. We want people to know, but we are not making this our mantra. We are the Gibsons. We love our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He has blessed us with 3 wonderful children. Steve is the proud commander of the 331st TRS, Asst. Cubmaster to our boys Pack and oh by the way - he is battling cancer right now.
We look forward to the day where this is nothing more than a part of our testimony. Another obstacle that God got us through. And He will, it's how He plans on doing it that gives me hope and scares me all at the same time. He has only good things for us. God couldn't have given me anything better than Steve. How do you perfect that?
So feel free to stop by and see what's up. You might be surprised by my hopefulness one day or tune out the next because of my anger that I might aim at God. But that is okay, He is ready for it. I think He expects it. I think He would rather have my honesty than my poetry.
Peace to all who read...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
This is what God looks like...
This was delivered to our house this morning. We were overwhelmed. I wanted to call and thank the family personally, but talking about all of this gets difficult. And I don't want the kids to be reminded at every turn what we are going thru. Their daddy is still that - their daddy. We don't want this diagnosis to be a label or an excuse for the way we live our life over the next few weeks and months.
Peace to all who read...
Hindsight is 20/20
But Spiritual hindsight is 20/10! Our path to this point in our lives could not be more crystal clear. Wow! God's timing is more than perfect. And He does have it all planned out. And He is good ALL the time.
Our Journey begins about a year and half ago.
Steve (having made the first cut for the VE board - the Space career field Squadron Commander's selection) got the call from his boss that he had been selected for a command job at a space squadron (somewhere other than where we are now). The list was not officially out, but we trusted in the fact that this 2 star equiv was going on good authority to share this info. He was given this info from someone higher ranking than himself. Who knew that someone even "higher ranking" than that had other plans. On Friday before the release of the list on Tuesday, Steve's name was still on the list. On Monday afternoon, he was not. Several jobs and selections had been moved around, but Steve was the only one not on the list that was on there on Friday. Why? Squadron Command was all Steve wanted. Anything beyond that would have been gravy. And there was some other factors too that made this even harder to swallow, but let's just agree that we felt like we had been given the shaft. Try and we might, we tried to live out Jeremiah 29:11, but our praises to God for His perfect plan were probably hollow. Eventually we were able to let it go and move on. All this time, though, we knew his name had been placed in the Recruiting/Training Command hat. And in January of 2008 we got the OFFICIAL notification that he had been selected for the 331st TRS. No taking this back. We saw the announcement! We were headed to Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX. Never in a million years would we have thought we would be in San Antonio. Just never on the radar for us. Because Steve's dream of squadron command was coming true, we "gave God the praise" for fulfilling our plans. It seems so easy to praise God when good things are happening. Now fast forward to January 2009. It's 3 days into the new year. Grandma Gibson is on life support in a hospital in TN. We are mentally planning for that "unplanned" trip to TN in the very near future. So, Steve decides that he better get on the roof and take down the Christmas lights or they may be up until Valentine's Day. While coming down from the second floor roof to the first floor roof, the ladder slips. He falls. Upon initial physical inspection, he is sore, but can continue taking down the last few lights. He later "motrins up" and chalks it up to stupidity or something like it. A few days later, Grandma dies and we head to TN for the funeral. After we return from TN, Steve decides to go to the Dr. because his ribs just aren't getting any better. They x-ray him and find 2 broke ribs. And...something they can't identify. Let's do a CT scan. Now they see 3 broke ribs and "something they can't identify." Okay, let's repeat the scan in a few weeks to see if that "something" goes away. Three weeks later - it's still there. Time for a bronchoscopy and a needle biopsy. And that puts us in Dr. V's office at 11:15 yesterday morning. It is not the answer we had hoped for. But it is the journey God has placed us on. And it is completely the reason we are where we are. Had he not fallen off the roof, they would have NEVER found it - until it was too late. The Doc said that himself. And we are in an area where we are getting very expedited medical care - not because of a need for urgency, but because they know that is what we want. Had we been anywhere else, we might still be waiting to see a civilian pulmonologist and now we are scheduled to see a chest surgeon on Monday! God is good all the time. We are truly believe this. They are not hollow and empty praises.
A lot of my quiet time happens on the road on Thursday and Friday mornings when I am heading to the base for the Airman's Run and BMT Graduation. Well, yesterday when I was headed to graduation, I was having my usual dialogue with God. Okay - if you know me, I am doing most of the talking, but I am fleshing out things that confuse me and things that keep me from fully relying on God. I know He works through that for me. He has to. And when I talk to Him, I might have one of my "Out of the mouth of blondes" moments. Have you ever had someone plan a surprise for you? You know, one of those times, when you knew they were doing something for you, something wonderful, but you did not know the details? My most wonderful hubby has done that for me a number of times. And I always think that maybe I know just little better what would make his plan go smoothly for me. If only he would give me a few of the details so that I could "help" him do the best for me. That is what I do with God. I know He only has wonderful plans for me and my family, but if only He would open up a little about the details so that I could "help" Him get it right and make it go more smoothly. Is that funny or what?
There is so much more about His messages of hope for me, but I will save that for another post. And those have been pretty cool too. But it's late - or early depending on how you look at it.
For those of you who I am friends with on Facebook, I will not be post "details" too much on there. It's not that we are hiding anything. We just don't think that Facebook is the venue for disclosing all of that. Feel free to ask! Send me an e-mail! We will keep you up to date on everything. But if we could, we would like to keep phone calls to a minimum when the kids are home. They know what is going on, but we need to keep things normal for their sakes and always being on the phone rehashing out all that we are going through is not good for them.
Cue the "Indiana Jones" theme music - and so the journey continues!
Peace to all who read...
Our Journey begins about a year and half ago.
Steve (having made the first cut for the VE board - the Space career field Squadron Commander's selection) got the call from his boss that he had been selected for a command job at a space squadron (somewhere other than where we are now). The list was not officially out, but we trusted in the fact that this 2 star equiv was going on good authority to share this info. He was given this info from someone higher ranking than himself. Who knew that someone even "higher ranking" than that had other plans. On Friday before the release of the list on Tuesday, Steve's name was still on the list. On Monday afternoon, he was not. Several jobs and selections had been moved around, but Steve was the only one not on the list that was on there on Friday. Why? Squadron Command was all Steve wanted. Anything beyond that would have been gravy. And there was some other factors too that made this even harder to swallow, but let's just agree that we felt like we had been given the shaft. Try and we might, we tried to live out Jeremiah 29:11, but our praises to God for His perfect plan were probably hollow. Eventually we were able to let it go and move on. All this time, though, we knew his name had been placed in the Recruiting/Training Command hat. And in January of 2008 we got the OFFICIAL notification that he had been selected for the 331st TRS. No taking this back. We saw the announcement! We were headed to Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX. Never in a million years would we have thought we would be in San Antonio. Just never on the radar for us. Because Steve's dream of squadron command was coming true, we "gave God the praise" for fulfilling our plans. It seems so easy to praise God when good things are happening. Now fast forward to January 2009. It's 3 days into the new year. Grandma Gibson is on life support in a hospital in TN. We are mentally planning for that "unplanned" trip to TN in the very near future. So, Steve decides that he better get on the roof and take down the Christmas lights or they may be up until Valentine's Day. While coming down from the second floor roof to the first floor roof, the ladder slips. He falls. Upon initial physical inspection, he is sore, but can continue taking down the last few lights. He later "motrins up" and chalks it up to stupidity or something like it. A few days later, Grandma dies and we head to TN for the funeral. After we return from TN, Steve decides to go to the Dr. because his ribs just aren't getting any better. They x-ray him and find 2 broke ribs. And...something they can't identify. Let's do a CT scan. Now they see 3 broke ribs and "something they can't identify." Okay, let's repeat the scan in a few weeks to see if that "something" goes away. Three weeks later - it's still there. Time for a bronchoscopy and a needle biopsy. And that puts us in Dr. V's office at 11:15 yesterday morning. It is not the answer we had hoped for. But it is the journey God has placed us on. And it is completely the reason we are where we are. Had he not fallen off the roof, they would have NEVER found it - until it was too late. The Doc said that himself. And we are in an area where we are getting very expedited medical care - not because of a need for urgency, but because they know that is what we want. Had we been anywhere else, we might still be waiting to see a civilian pulmonologist and now we are scheduled to see a chest surgeon on Monday! God is good all the time. We are truly believe this. They are not hollow and empty praises.
A lot of my quiet time happens on the road on Thursday and Friday mornings when I am heading to the base for the Airman's Run and BMT Graduation. Well, yesterday when I was headed to graduation, I was having my usual dialogue with God. Okay - if you know me, I am doing most of the talking, but I am fleshing out things that confuse me and things that keep me from fully relying on God. I know He works through that for me. He has to. And when I talk to Him, I might have one of my "Out of the mouth of blondes" moments. Have you ever had someone plan a surprise for you? You know, one of those times, when you knew they were doing something for you, something wonderful, but you did not know the details? My most wonderful hubby has done that for me a number of times. And I always think that maybe I know just little better what would make his plan go smoothly for me. If only he would give me a few of the details so that I could "help" him do the best for me. That is what I do with God. I know He only has wonderful plans for me and my family, but if only He would open up a little about the details so that I could "help" Him get it right and make it go more smoothly. Is that funny or what?
There is so much more about His messages of hope for me, but I will save that for another post. And those have been pretty cool too. But it's late - or early depending on how you look at it.
For those of you who I am friends with on Facebook, I will not be post "details" too much on there. It's not that we are hiding anything. We just don't think that Facebook is the venue for disclosing all of that. Feel free to ask! Send me an e-mail! We will keep you up to date on everything. But if we could, we would like to keep phone calls to a minimum when the kids are home. They know what is going on, but we need to keep things normal for their sakes and always being on the phone rehashing out all that we are going through is not good for them.
Cue the "Indiana Jones" theme music - and so the journey continues!
Peace to all who read...
Friday, March 6, 2009
To keep myself accountable...
Have not posted in a couple of days...
Had the needle biopsy on Wednesday. Went well. Have appointment at 11:15 this morning to get results (or lack of results).
I am not posting too much today and it may be a few days or a week before I post again. My blog is not a "newspaper" to broadcast every movement in our lives. It has become my quiet time with God. That is not to say that I don't want anybody reading because it's personal. I just don't have the same relationships here to talk about what is going on in my life and typing it out seems to help. And the comments I get help give me clarity at times when I need it.
I don't make it a habit of getting on and blogging everyday (I guess that is kind of obvious). I usually blog in the quiet of the morning when the kiddos are at school. Well, today is Friday and the kids start Spring Break on Monday. No "quiet of the morning" in my foreseeable future. :-) .
But I did want to post about something (quickly) so that I will expand more on it later - for my own benefit. A dear friend in Omaha said I needed to write it all down and I will. God has really been speaking to me through all of this. There have been more little messages from God that I can count. And one has lead to another, which lead to another, and on and on. You get the picture. I need to journal this adventure with God. And I will. It has been a journey of hope. And to be honest, I did not want to believe it. But I post this now, because I don't want to discount what has happened or erase from my memory what has happened if the answers we get today are not what we hoped for. God is good ALL the time.
My prayer for today is for an answer.
Peace to all who read...
Had the needle biopsy on Wednesday. Went well. Have appointment at 11:15 this morning to get results (or lack of results).
I am not posting too much today and it may be a few days or a week before I post again. My blog is not a "newspaper" to broadcast every movement in our lives. It has become my quiet time with God. That is not to say that I don't want anybody reading because it's personal. I just don't have the same relationships here to talk about what is going on in my life and typing it out seems to help. And the comments I get help give me clarity at times when I need it.
I don't make it a habit of getting on and blogging everyday (I guess that is kind of obvious). I usually blog in the quiet of the morning when the kiddos are at school. Well, today is Friday and the kids start Spring Break on Monday. No "quiet of the morning" in my foreseeable future. :-) .
But I did want to post about something (quickly) so that I will expand more on it later - for my own benefit. A dear friend in Omaha said I needed to write it all down and I will. God has really been speaking to me through all of this. There have been more little messages from God that I can count. And one has lead to another, which lead to another, and on and on. You get the picture. I need to journal this adventure with God. And I will. It has been a journey of hope. And to be honest, I did not want to believe it. But I post this now, because I don't want to discount what has happened or erase from my memory what has happened if the answers we get today are not what we hoped for. God is good ALL the time.
My prayer for today is for an answer.
Peace to all who read...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
God makes me laugh...sometimes.
The visit with the doc went just as planned. Needle biopsy on Wednesday, shouldn't take long, hopefully we will have results by the following Tuesday. When the doc looked at Steve's CT scan he said that if had no history on Steve what so ever and was looking at the scans "cold" he would have diagnoise pneumonia - without question. That makes me feel better. Every opinion says that they really don't think it is cancer, but it is not normal. But unfortunately that is what they are always looking for. Doesn't make the waiting any easier.
So, why does God make me laugh sometimes? Well, actually he makes me laugh...a lot...at myself. But right now, I am not finding a whole to laugh about. What was different today? Well, with all this going on, I completely lost track of time. I am doing Beth Moore's Scripture memory challenge this year (you memorize a new verse every 2 weeks - the 1st and 15th of every month). Well, the 1st came and went. As did the 2nd! She tells you to find a verse that really speaks to you, to where you are or what you are going through. So this morning I got on line with Biblegateway.com to look up scripture with the word fear in it. I had an idea of a scripture (something about God not giving us a spirit of fear...) but I could not find what I was looking for. So, I grab a set of cards that a dear friend mailed me a few months back (little plastic holder with verses & topics on them. So, I thought, "Just grab and start looking, surely you will find something to memorize." I didn't care at this point what it was. Just wanted to keep up my end of the challenge. Not the right attitude, but it was all I had this morning. Well the card on top was my verse from the last 2 weeks (Jeremiah 29:11). The next card I grabbed was my verse from 6 weeks ago (Romans 14:19). Then it happened. I cried and I laughed. Then I cried a lot more. The next card I grabbed out of desperation read this: Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." God Wins!!! Again and always. 'Nuf said.
Peace to all who read...
So, why does God make me laugh sometimes? Well, actually he makes me laugh...a lot...at myself. But right now, I am not finding a whole to laugh about. What was different today? Well, with all this going on, I completely lost track of time. I am doing Beth Moore's Scripture memory challenge this year (you memorize a new verse every 2 weeks - the 1st and 15th of every month). Well, the 1st came and went. As did the 2nd! She tells you to find a verse that really speaks to you, to where you are or what you are going through. So this morning I got on line with Biblegateway.com to look up scripture with the word fear in it. I had an idea of a scripture (something about God not giving us a spirit of fear...) but I could not find what I was looking for. So, I grab a set of cards that a dear friend mailed me a few months back (little plastic holder with verses & topics on them. So, I thought, "Just grab and start looking, surely you will find something to memorize." I didn't care at this point what it was. Just wanted to keep up my end of the challenge. Not the right attitude, but it was all I had this morning. Well the card on top was my verse from the last 2 weeks (Jeremiah 29:11). The next card I grabbed was my verse from 6 weeks ago (Romans 14:19). Then it happened. I cried and I laughed. Then I cried a lot more. The next card I grabbed out of desperation read this: Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." God Wins!!! Again and always. 'Nuf said.
Peace to all who read...
Monday, March 2, 2009
It's hard to keep my focus...
Oh to have a "normal" day. To get up, send my family off happily to their appointed tasks for the day, come home have dinner together, play, go to bed and wake up and do it all over again. Mundane has never looked so good.
What a roller coaster this past week and month have been. The hubby had the bronchoscopy on Wednesday - went beautifully. Now we wait. Doc is hopeful that is nothing more than inflammation, but the test results could still come back inconclusive, thereby indicating more tests. So Friday afternoon I leave the house to go with our daughter to a youth event called Acquire the Fire (a Ron Luce ministry). I call my hubby to see if he has successfully gotten to his dinner. No he hasn't yet- doc has called. Tests were inconclusive. He needs a needle biopsy. My heart sank. There I was in a van full of young girls (our daughter one of them) laughing and giggling as we headed to weekend of fun...for them. I was sick. I wanted to throw up right on the spot. But I couldn't. I could not let on to my precious daughter that there MIGHT be a problem with Daddy. How could I? So I sucked it all in, called a very close friend and shared with her - I had to talk to someone. And motored on.
Now, let me clarify - these results are not necessarily bad. That are what they are - inconclusive. There are a few more tests still out there that could come back with the results that we are looking for. It may be that the sample was too small and a needle biopsy will get a better sample. It may just be that I am Chicken Little and I immediately see that sky falling. But that is who I am.
So I go to this event with the intent of having some good quality mother/daughter time. You can never have too much of that. And with my daughter bordering on being a teenager, I don't want to let anything slip through the cracks. She is an awesome kid and an even better daughter. But I have so many folks try to squelch that with, "Just wait until they are _____ (fill in what ever age you see fit)." She is truly a great kid and a wonderful Christian young lady. I am so proud to be her mom. Immediately I recognize that Satan is trying to take that away. This was my weekend with her! She invited me to go with her. She WANTED to spend it with me! And I was letting a might be/could be/ but not definitely situation rob me of it. I wanted to see my husband. I wanted to hug him and hold him and have him tell me everything would be alright. That was the center of my thinking all that evening. And so Satan won my Friday night. I knew it. It broke my heart. I got home, fell into Steve's arms, cried and went to bed. What happened to this being the best 2 years of our lives? (That's what they tell you when you take squadron command).
Saturday was a fresh new day. It came early. We had to be at the church by 7 am. But some how, something was different. I was able to focus. I was able to hear God a little better. Oh, don't get me wrong. Satan still made his presence very clear. But God was clearer. And He was never more clear than when my beautiful daughter and I were finishing up dinner at Whataburger. We were gathering our things and she turned and said, "Thank you." I, of course, responded and she said," Not for the event, or then tote bag or the dinner and ice cream, but for being my mom." I was speechless. God Wins!!!! Big time!!! That was what the weekend was all about.
Now, it's Monday. And I am praying the Message version on Jeremiah 29:11: "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." So, is that why Steve fell off the roof 2 months ago? So that we could find the spot? Is that why we got an assignment to San Antonio because they have such a large military medical facility that can handle practically anything? And when you are active duty, you don't have to wait around on paper work? God knows what he is doing. And he is going to take of us. He is not going to abandon us.
Steve got a call to come in at 2 so they can discuss the needle biopsy procedure. I think I need to be there with him - even though he said I didn't.
Peace to all who read...
What a roller coaster this past week and month have been. The hubby had the bronchoscopy on Wednesday - went beautifully. Now we wait. Doc is hopeful that is nothing more than inflammation, but the test results could still come back inconclusive, thereby indicating more tests. So Friday afternoon I leave the house to go with our daughter to a youth event called Acquire the Fire (a Ron Luce ministry). I call my hubby to see if he has successfully gotten to his dinner. No he hasn't yet- doc has called. Tests were inconclusive. He needs a needle biopsy. My heart sank. There I was in a van full of young girls (our daughter one of them) laughing and giggling as we headed to weekend of fun...for them. I was sick. I wanted to throw up right on the spot. But I couldn't. I could not let on to my precious daughter that there MIGHT be a problem with Daddy. How could I? So I sucked it all in, called a very close friend and shared with her - I had to talk to someone. And motored on.
Now, let me clarify - these results are not necessarily bad. That are what they are - inconclusive. There are a few more tests still out there that could come back with the results that we are looking for. It may be that the sample was too small and a needle biopsy will get a better sample. It may just be that I am Chicken Little and I immediately see that sky falling. But that is who I am.
So I go to this event with the intent of having some good quality mother/daughter time. You can never have too much of that. And with my daughter bordering on being a teenager, I don't want to let anything slip through the cracks. She is an awesome kid and an even better daughter. But I have so many folks try to squelch that with, "Just wait until they are _____ (fill in what ever age you see fit)." She is truly a great kid and a wonderful Christian young lady. I am so proud to be her mom. Immediately I recognize that Satan is trying to take that away. This was my weekend with her! She invited me to go with her. She WANTED to spend it with me! And I was letting a might be/could be/ but not definitely situation rob me of it. I wanted to see my husband. I wanted to hug him and hold him and have him tell me everything would be alright. That was the center of my thinking all that evening. And so Satan won my Friday night. I knew it. It broke my heart. I got home, fell into Steve's arms, cried and went to bed. What happened to this being the best 2 years of our lives? (That's what they tell you when you take squadron command).
Saturday was a fresh new day. It came early. We had to be at the church by 7 am. But some how, something was different. I was able to focus. I was able to hear God a little better. Oh, don't get me wrong. Satan still made his presence very clear. But God was clearer. And He was never more clear than when my beautiful daughter and I were finishing up dinner at Whataburger. We were gathering our things and she turned and said, "Thank you." I, of course, responded and she said," Not for the event, or then tote bag or the dinner and ice cream, but for being my mom." I was speechless. God Wins!!!! Big time!!! That was what the weekend was all about.
Now, it's Monday. And I am praying the Message version on Jeremiah 29:11: "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." So, is that why Steve fell off the roof 2 months ago? So that we could find the spot? Is that why we got an assignment to San Antonio because they have such a large military medical facility that can handle practically anything? And when you are active duty, you don't have to wait around on paper work? God knows what he is doing. And he is going to take of us. He is not going to abandon us.
Steve got a call to come in at 2 so they can discuss the needle biopsy procedure. I think I need to be there with him - even though he said I didn't.
Peace to all who read...
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