Okay, what now?

This last 8 weeks seem like some kind of weird dream (and at times a nightmare). But when I look at Steve, I wonder, "What just happened?" Does he/did he really have cancer? I look at out lives right now, in this very moment and it seems like everything is like it was back in...let's say...October, I guess. None of this was even close to being on the radar. We happily motored along, doing what was expected of us: Kids went to school, I did my stay-at-home mom things and Steve commanded a squadron. To look at us right now, you would once again see just that. And in fact, there are some folks that still don't know. Not because we kept it a secret, but because we told as many as we could, but moved on to the recovery portion as soon as we could. I will mention the cancer in passing (thinking that they know) and I will get the oddest looks. I then realize and say something like, "Oh, didn't you know that Steve briefly had cancer?" And then I get even odder looks. I love it!

But what now? As scared as I was for so long, I never felt closer to God than I did during all of that. I felt His presence in EVERYTHING! And I know He is still in EVERYTHING for me, but I just don't see it as well now. You know how the moon is always out. And if you look really hard in the morning sky, you might be able to see it? Just a small white circle or crescent that is barely visible in the day light. But at night...wow! In the dark, the moon lights up the whole sky! And if you really want a good view of all the Heavenlies, you drive out away from town, away from all the city lights so that everything in the night sky becomes clearer? That's where I am right now. When it was the darkest it could possibly be, God lit up my world! You couldn't miss Him. But now that my world is not so dark, He seems to be harder and harder to see with the naked eye. But that is not His problem, it's mine. I am not looking hard enough right now. At the bottom of my "cancer hole" that only way to look was up. I couldn't miss Him. But now that I am back on flat ground, there are so many things around me to take my eyes off Him . So many different directions. So many things that are begging for my attention. I never want to be in that hole again, but I also don't want to lose that blessed tunnel vision I required to get out of that hole.

Steve is doing fabulous. Hopefully he will run with the soon-to-be graduating Airman this week. He has done some exercising in the last few weeks, but running has hurt a little, so he has not pushed himself as much as he could in that area. We don't go back to the doc again until June. He will have a base-line CT scan around the 13th of June and then we will see the doc sometime just after that. He will be followed every 3 months for the first 2-3 years and then every 6 months until he hits the 5 year mark. Then every year. Wow...did all this really happen? Steve got the opportunity to write a letter to someone going through the same thing. Our SS teacher is a part of a Christian fellowship that gathers and prays at work. Well, one of the worker's non-smoking mother-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Chris asked Steve if he could write her a note of encouragement. And he did - last night. What started out as a card became a several page letter. How can you some up what you went through in just a few words on the inside of a Get Well card? You can't, not really.

I think this week everything starts new. Steve is back at work. Fiesta is behind us. And my wonderful wonderful Esther Bible study draws to close. What happens next is up to me. God is not moving away. He will be right where He has always been. Do I make Him my life preserver and have Him snugly strapped to me all the time? Or do I wait to fall out of the boat and reach for Him to keep from drowning? The choice is up to me.

Peace (and tunnel vision) to all who read...

Picture of health!

Here are a few pictures of hubby! Since I can't seem to figure out how to label them individually, I will just tell you about each of them here:

1. 1 week and 1 day post-op: Pinewood Derby, his goal to getting out of the hospital.

2. Less than 2 weeks post-op: NCO Academy Graduation Dinner - one of his MTIs was graduating and he took it easy all day to make sure that he could be there!

3. About 5 weeks post-op: 2nd day back at work - He looks great!

The longer you wait, the harder it is to post...

Sorry for the sabbatical. Not my intent. But my "creature of extreme habit" personality got the best of me. I LOVE routine! And about 6-7 weeks ago my days went something like this: Get up around 5:30am, read the paper & have my coffee, start waking up kids at 6, have everyone gone by 8 and have the house to myself. I then would spend about an hour with God doing a number of things: praying, reading scripture, doing my bible study or blogging. And yes, blogging is a form of prayer and conversation with God for me. But all of that can only happen when I am alone. I am not able to whip out my bible study or bible and in the middle of a crowd. Having full length conversations with God at a Burger King, just ain't happening. No embarrassment or anything like that. And I am not shy about my faith, but my time alone with God is very private - I don't like to do it in front of anyone. I don't like to discuss things of a Spiritual nature as they are happening (usually) because my mind takes time to process this stuff. I am a slow learner. And I don't want anyone else's ideas or thoughts (at that time) to influence what I think God is telling ME. And I am oh so easily influenced. Now, give me some time to sit and think, and I can chat all day about what God is doing in my life. That's why I love to blog (when I do it :-) ). Most of you have no idea how long it takes me to write an entry. Two paragraphs can take over an hour some times, because I stop, read what I wrote, read it again, think about it, ask God if I'm an idiot and then erase the whole thing and start over. And some days, I just type away as God is talking to me. Right now, I am at about 45 minutes for this little dissertation... all that to say:

Steve started back to work yesterday! My routine is back! And I am loving it. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have Steve home all the time. I would just have to revamp my routine, but I would love it. It feels so good to have my time alone with God again.

Steve is doing fantastic! To look at him, you would never think that he recently had a large portion of his lung removed. Okay, it was only a 1/3 of his lung, but I think ANY removal of any part of a major organ is large.

Well, I am cutting this short today as I am headed out to a Holocaust Remembrance Luncheon at the base. Steve's Group Commander is the speaker. He (I think) has his doctorate in German history - should be VERY interesting!

Peace to all who read...