Why???

Above is the picture of a miracle. This is Steve leading his graduating flights in the weekly Airman's Run. This was April 30th - one day shy of 7 weeks away from his cancer surgery. I don't think I have been more proud of him, than I was at that moment. And then to have other commanders and staff run by and shout with a big grin, "He's running with us!" I must admit that eyes were sweating a little during that...must have been then heat. :-)

I don't want to beat the "miracle" aspect of this into the ground, but I am reminded daily that the outcomes are not always as happy as ours is right now. And I do know that our outcome can change any time. God is in control.

Today was one of those days when I was reminded of how cancer can devastate. When all this began with us, a CMSgt and his wife took it upon themselves to make sure that our meal needs at the house were taken care of while Steve was hospitalized. Our situation became very personal to them - the Chief had also been diagnosed with the very same cancer that Steve has/had. His prognosis was not as good, but currently God is choosing a path of healing for him. They had volunteers from all over. One of the volunteers was a MSgt & his wife who had been touched by cancer as well - the wife had been diagnosed a while back but was recovering. Well, the MSgt stopped by Steve's office today because he knew that Steve would want to know - her cancer was back and it was in her liver. There is nothing they can do. On Friday they have another appointment, hopefully they will get some sort of time line.

Why? Why does God heal some and not others? Will God stop Steve's cancer from coming back? If not, why? If so, why doesn't He do that for others? Why does there have to be cancer anyway? None of these questions really need answers. I recently read somewhere that many of the diseases and illnesses we suffer from are not created by God, but are the result of us taking His perfect world (Garden of Eden) and making it imperfect. And those imperfections are unhealthy and there for we are paying the price. Why can't He just wave His hand and make it all better? Cancer is never pleasant. Even in the smallest cancers and easiest of recoveries there are tears and pain. Steve's cancer was as brief as it could be - but we were still terrified. He still hurt tremendously after surgery. And we will still look over our shoulder for the rest of our lives. so, for this family on base that is beginning a very painful process, I pray for peace. For comfort. Does knowing you have a limited time left on earth make the pain less because you know the end is in sight? Or does it seem more intense because it is all you know and it's the final hurdle you have before ultimate healing? When Steve called to tell me about this family, I stopped and prayed for peace. But I also prayed for comfort, for them to be able to spend these last weeks or months together in the most comfortable way possible without the help of pharmaceuticals to cloud their memories.

I am still trying to get back into the swing of things. I think Steve has had an easier time transitioning than I have. Today, I tackled the office. There were stacks and stacks of papers that have need to be filed for the last 2 months. Well, I finally sat down and started through it. And again I was reminded of where we have been. I found the referral to pulmanology when all this got started. I found pre-op paperwork. I found post-op paperwork. And I found the card for 2 North Surgical Intensive Care Unit. It has the numbers I called at night when I got home from the hospital to let Steve's nurse know that I had gotten home safely. And the number I called 1st thing in the morning to find out how his night went (since his night nurse would be gone by the time I got there in the morning). It was wrinkled from being pressed in my sweaty palms for days. It was my connection to Steve when I could not be by his side during the worst of it.

I am thankful for these moments. I don't want to ever forget where we were. Or who got us through it. During one of the later sessions of Beth Moore's Esther study, she talked about being in place where she felt like it was a bad as it could get. She cried out to God and He said to her, "Okay, so then what...?" Meaning - say the worst possible scenario comes true...then what? She talked about how she would slowly put her life back together and God kept saying to her,"Okay, then what?" Never once did she mention God not being a part of her life. Never once did she mention that life would end for her (although it might feel like it). She would take small steps and God would be with her. Many of the questions that were asked during this study asked things that had you focus on "the worst possible scenario." And of course my worst possible scenario is life without Steve. Now, it's important to note here that I purposely did not see Life without God a possible answer here. Not that my faith is that amazing or anything, but I can honestly say that I never questioned God presence or lack of presence during all of this. I cried out to him from the very beginning. I got angry with Him. But I never doubted His love for me. I just thought He has a strange way of showing it. But God showed up in the most unlikely of ways and the most unusual places (see my God sightings if you question any of this) immediately! Please don't misunderstand - if the cancer comes back and God does not intervene in some earthly way (healing him again or allowing the second coming), I will be devastated! I will be angry. But when I am done, God will still be there. Ready to help me pick up the pieces and continue the life that He has planned for me. I am not planing my husband's funeral here... just the opposite. I can't imagine life with out him! But it is so easy to give God the praise and the glory when we receive healing. And it is so easy to go to God on behalf of others when you feel like your had your prayers answered and theirs are not. Our God is a great and wonderful God. And He does not want to see His children suffer. And knowing that gives me some peace because our family had their prayers answered the way we wanted them. I pray now that I am able to come before God with an attitude of gratitude. And that I am able to pray for others who suffer. That my prayers for them not be "thankful for our situation" but focused entirely on their situation and their suffering. Prayers for the same mercy He showed us.

I'm still tired. Don't know when that will change. I think maybe I'm just ready to retire. Another situation that is beyond my control... healing, Steve's military career... Will somebody wake me up when it's time to move??? :-)

Peace to all who read...