I'm parched

My "promise" to myself was to blog my Lenten journey....  Well, it has not gone anywhere NEAR as planned.  In fact, so much so, that I have not been able to even put it into words.

I have been angry, sad, confused, hopeful, peaceful and a myriad of plenty of other emotions.  I almost feel bi-polar.  I have so many folks in my life that have had their lives turned upside down. 

God is in this.  I just can't hear Him right now.  Too close to the noise of chaos, I guess.  Maybe that is why He wakes me up so early every morning, so that He can have me before the rest of the world.  But in the quiet of the living room, I am still not hearing Him.  Maybe I am not trying hard enough.  I don't know.

I do know this:  I don't understand it.  And I wish it was different.  It's not necessarily the best response, but it is the best I got.  Just when I thought I had God all figured out.  Just when I thought I knew all the right words to use when I pray.  Just when I thought I was doing all the bible studies I needed.  Just when it looked like all was right in my world... 

In other news....  It was a pretty good day.  Got a five mile run in, got some stuff done around the house and got some food prepped for Small Group tomorrow night.  I also went to Wal-mart for 5 items and barely got out of their with only spending $137! Yep...nothing is going as planned.

With everyday is fresh new hope that I can do this.....

Well, the drying process has begun...

But that's okay.

I am thankful for the early morning wake up (before the alarm) to get downstairs and have some quiet time before the "loud time." My chair, my blanket, my devotionals and my God. Pretty good quiet time if I do say so myself. Don't remember the last time I slept until the alarm went off. Guess God decided I needed a few more minutes in prayer.

Another good day in church this morning! In the words of my pastor, 'We look most like Christ when we serve." Have always loved the phrase... How shall I serve? Am beginning to question that a bit. Don't feel I am completely connected these days. Maybe my time in some of these areas of ministry are coming to a close... Love my church and love the Lord! Just wondering if I am in a season of transition. Well, if God is in it, I know it will be wonderful.

Am behind in my bible study homework - not cool. This means I will be rushing thru it for our final session on Wednesday. A small "squirrel" here - if you get the opportunity to participate in Beth Moore's James Study...DO IT!!! I hate that I let life get ahead of bible study.

So many things going on. So many decisions to make. Am trying desperately to hear that still small voice... Really needing Him on the loud speaker! I joke with a dear friend that I am reading "Jesus Calling...but I ain't listening." Not because I don't want to, but because I am not completely trusting. If I listen and fail to do His Will, then I have failed. BUT...if I don't listen then it's kinda like I was never told... and that works, right?

Hubby got home tonight from his ROTC trip to Notre Dame. I am excited that he has decided to take Monday off and be home with me. :-)

Tomorrow I get to start it all over again. One day at a time...

Here's hoping for rain...

And as quickly as the rains came...

The dry spell arrives.

I spent the last several weeks singing in the rain... now I am sitting in the scorching hot sun praying for rain.

I guess its times like these that I need to grab His hand and look straight ahead. Like a child that has been rambling in and out of trouble and sticky situations, my Daddy now has my hand and is asking me to go with Him (and to behave, but He says it much sweeter than that).

But can I do it? Can I grab ahold, hang on and know that the one who holds me, holds the future. One day. That's all I have to do. Just one day. Tomorrow will take care of its self.

I must have asked God for either patience, cuz He's giving me the opportunity to practice it. Or maybe I asked for peace. Not in the my world, but just peace...He's giving me the opportunity to look for it in all situations. I must be more specific.

My Lenten commitment was to blog/journal every day. Well, I'm batting 500! In baseball those would be great stats!

Other than the "rains" drying up, it's been a pretty good day. Got 6 miles in with Ray (of sunshine), got a bunch accomplished at the house and it looks like I can head to bed shortly. I can live with that.

Journey on my friends...

Time to pen my thoughts...

I know, I know.... it's been what, two years or there abouts???

Last night, the pastor at our Ash Wednesday service asked that if anyone was going to Blog their Lenten journey, let him know and he would post our blog address. Well, it's not that I want to share, but his mention of blogging our Lenten journey intrigued me. I tried journaling for a bit and it was nice, but... I stopped and have not picked it back up. Since I love my computer so much, I thought I would try again.

I am at the tail end of my Beth Moore James study. And according to her description, I am in a rainy season - that's good! I feel blessed beyond measure right now. I am desiring to be in His Word. I am loving my quiet time and my study time. I don't feel like my spiritual life is perfect...far from it. But I am in a season where I see my distance from perfection as a challenge that I welcome! Tomorrow could be a different story. But I can only work on today. Tomorrow will work on itself.

Wish me luck... :-)

Hey...anybody there????

Whew... I guess I can start blogging again. Not that I don't want anyone reading...if that were the case, I would just journal. But then you have the problem that you might be even more personal and graphic or too open about stuff in a private hand written journal and THEN you are killed in a tragic farming accident and THEN someone finds your journal hoping to find some wonderful insights for your eulogy. Well, then you open a whole new can of worms that you can't close because your dead. So I guess I will blog with the mindset of this: Those who mind what I write don't matter and those who matter don't mind what I write.

May I honor God in all that I say and do (and write). And that starts from my heart and my head. And as long as those two are in sync and trying to align with God's will, I should be okay! :-)

Since we last "chatted," so much has happened: Steve passed his 6 month post cancer check up with flying colors, Steve applied for and got accepted to be a College ROTC Commander (In Nebraska, no less), we became the parents of a teenager, we took the kids on a trip of a lifetime to Walt Disney World with some wonderful friends, celebrated the birth of our Savior, started a new year and Steve passed his 9/10 month post cancer check up, again, with flying colors. Now it's February and time seems to be flying at record speed. In just a few months we will be saying good-bye to the 331st TRS and an awesome command tour. And then heading to yet another command tour (kind of a rarity in Steve's career field) and thinking of settling down.

I have been wishing away my time and it has become oh so apparent in the last several weeks, thinking that each new wish/step would make things easier - I could relax. I started last fall by wishing to find out if Steve made ROTC command, he did. Then I wished to find out where we would be going and hoping it was to NE, we did and we are. Then I started house hunting on-line and wishing we could find a house, we go next month. And now, I keep telling myself, "If only the closing was behind us and the boxes were unpacked." God has been very active in all this...not by granting me my wishes like a fairy Godmother, but by showing me what I have been or will be missing if I don't live in the present. And I have missed a lot and yet I am not relaxed one bit. In fact, I think I am more spun up than usual! If worrying were a work out regimen, I would have to eat more to keep my weight up.

I guess I should start by getting my priorities in order. Okay - the beauty of a blog (or a journal) is that I can sit here for a minute, 10 minutes or 10 hours before I put the next thought on paper/screen. Unless I told you, you would never know. Well, now you know. Cuz that's what I am doing now. I am sitting here trying to figure out what I am REALLY supposed to be doing. What is my job/priorities and what are God's? And is it okay for me to be thinking of what God is or is supposed to be doing. Does that make sense? At what point am I no longer just sitting and taking all of God in? When is it okay to get up and do? God has a house out there for us, but at what point to make the effort to find it? He has the ability to drop it in our laps, but will He? Should I wait for that? At what point am I supposed to use the resources given me?

I guess if I get in the Word more, I might have those answers. Since I am not currently in a Beth Moore study, I find that I fall away from scripture... not cool. But I am thankful for the Andy Stanley series that we just finished in SS, I am thankful for Andy's downloadable sermons, I thankful for the new Galatians study we are doing, I am thankful for Pastor Craig's downloadable sermons and his bible challenges (reading about the 7 deadly sins) - all things that are pulling me back to the Word. And I am very thankful for my Thursday & Friday morning drives to the base. God & I have some wonderful conversations! Am also thankful for my bluetooth (it keeps me from looking like a babbling idiot behind the wheel of the car).

Well, I guess I need to go downstairs and read day 3 about envy. I really need that now.

Peace (and contentment) to all who read...

Just checking to see if you came back after my "political rant" yesterday...

...well, I guess you did.

Sorry about that yesterday. But it is amazing how your spirit can be dragged down by your environment. There are so many political polls on Facebook that are being filled out and posted. And almost everyone of these polls has an easy "yes/no" answer and a very mean spirited "yes/no" answer. And almost everyone I know has been picking the mean spirited one. I have yet to register my vote on any of them. I have definite opinions... but as a very wise friend of mine just recently said, " I would rather have relationships than be right." Not saying I'm right...just saying that the relationship is more important. Another very wise person (a dear young family member of mine) once said several years, in the middle of some tension among the cousins,"Can't we all just get along???" Out of the mouth of babes... to be that wise at that young of an age.

Last week I started a new Beth Moore study - Daniel. Whoa. This is going to be an amazing ride. You know it's a great study when you have to make yourself stop when doing the homework. I just devour her homework. Except during the Esther study... but my inconsistency in doing the work during that study I think was divinely lead. I needed certain words at certain times. And had I kept on schedule, I would not have heard those words when I most needed them.

Am feeling a little down right now. Not sure why. Maybe because I miss my husband and his schedule keeps him busier than I would like. Maybe because I miss my family in GA (and the surrounding areas). So much going on with them and I wish I was closer. Maybe because I miss my NE family and wonder if God has plans for us back there. Maybe because I am trying to tackle a fear that has consumed me most of my life, but is worse now than ever. So for that I continue to pray Psalm 34:4. I am afraid that the Lord will have me face it rather than remove it. Kinda like praying for patience... :-) So the words of a very old Amy Grant song come to mind. And in them I find comfort...


When all goodbyes
Are said and done,
And nighttime finds you home,
Are you all right
To spend a night
Of being all alone?

And do you hide
Between the lines
Of conversations past?
A wall of words,
A heart unheard,
That hides behind a mask?

I'm raining on the inside;
My heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

When friends who care
Can't be there
To ease away my pain,
And peace of mind,
It's hard to find,
Like sunlight in the rain.

God sees my heart,
The deepest part,
Inside this lonely me,
And reachin' in,
His love begins
To heal the heart in me.

I'm raining on the inside;
Oh, my heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

Sometimes we're raining on the inside,
And our hearts well up with tears that start to pour.
But when we're raining on the inside,
Let His cries of love break through,
Know that He loves you, once more....

Sometimes I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

Peace to all who read...

You know it's time to blog when....

...you find that you are talking out loud to...NOBODY and you agree with everything you say! :-)

Yes, it has been a couple of weeks. I felt sure that the minute the kiddos were out the door, I would be up here on the computer waxing poetic... :-) It has not been for a lack of stuff to write/talk about. I guess I am having trouble digesting some of what is going on around me.

Okay, I will go ahead and address something that has really had me sick to my stomach lately. I feel this is a safe place to "vent" per se. I am so saddened by all the ugliness that is being spewed from both sides of the political aisle... In fact, I did a "first" on Saturday because of it. I "de-friended" someone on Facebook. A guy I went to school with years ago (who is a former local pastor in the Methodist church - the reason he is a former is because he is now an atheist) wrote a very hurtful paragraph about those who may oppose the president's speech to school children. He called anyone who disagreed with him either crazy or racist. Wow. I spent most of my morning tying to figure out how I felt about that. At the time, the jury was still out for me on how I felt about my kids seeing it in school (little did I know that my school district would not be showing it). Not because I was afraid of what he might say. Far from it. President Obama has an incredible story to tell of being able to be anything you want to be if you stay in school and work hard. We have printed a copy of his speech and plan to record it today to show the children at a later time (our schedules don't have us all at home for a reasonable amount of time until at least Thursday). My concern comes from commentary that could "happen" after his speech, from the school leadership (i.e. teachers, principal). I don't want my child to be a witness to Obama bashing by a teacher that disagrees with his policies. I also don't want my child to have to be required to listen to the president being raised to messiah status. That's how I feel. Race or lunacy has nothing to do with it. When I wrote to this "friend" concerning his post (another friend of his vehemently disagreed with him as well), I told him that his blanket assessment of anyone who questioned the setting for the speech, was vicious. And that I could not understand how ANYONE on either side of this political issue can stoop to such a level. Well, after a little while, he posted that he MAY have been a little quick to use the word racist... Is that where we are headed? Say whatever comes out of your mouth with out thinking? Hurt whom ever you want in the name of free speech and political freedom? All of it turns my stomach! Unless you are Jesus, don't go into the temple and start tearing the place a part. It breaks my heart to see folks yelling and screaming at their Congressman at Town hall meetings. This is not what God intended for us to do. This is not how He expects us to act. We are to respect those that are put into authority over us. I cling to 1st Peter 2 right now. Maybe I am taking it out of context...maybe I don't really understand the meaning behind it, but I know what it says to me right now. It says that I am supposed to respect the government and revere God. Nuf' said.

Glad I got that off my chest. It has really been weighing me down.

God and I have been talking a lot lately. I know that if you ask God for patience He will give you opportunities to practice it. My prayer as of late, is to settle down. To quit moving. To buy a house, plant flowers and paint walls. To keep the same neighbors. To have our kids develop local relationships with kids. We are about 9-10 months out from our next move. It's at this time that I begin to get into "move mode." That means I starting getting rid of stuff that I don't want to move. It has always served me well. But I hate looking at some of my stuff and wondering, "Gee...will I have room in the next house for this?" Sadly, it seems my focus is on material things. I have great stuff. I love my stuff. A song on Christian radio says this," Have what you want, but want what you have." And I do. I know this is all very trivial and shallow. But I love entertaining others in my home. So I have stuff to do that. And I love setting a beautiful table for my family - I want them to realize that our mealtime is special. I know, I know...you can entertain with cots, sleeping bags and paper plates and plastic cups. But don't you enjoy "nice" things occasionally? Why does one go to a fancy restaurant? To be pampered. And I love providing that in my home. Is God trying to teach me to be hospitable in a more laid back way? Is He taking this opportunity to point out my Martha mentality? For those who know me, they now I LOVE to read. Right now, my heart is with a Guide Post Series called Grace Chapel Inn. It's kinda like the Mitford series, for those familiar with that. It is about three sisters that now live together after the death of their father. And they reside in the family home - a large Victorian home that has now been converted into a bed and breakfast. Why am I so wrapped up in this series??? Because they are in their home. They have their father's library and his desk (he was a preacher until the day he died at age 92). They serve food off of their mother's china and crystal. There is history there. Yes, I know...it's fiction. But I know so many folks that have the pencil markings in the laundry room that show how the kids have grown. I know plenty of folks that have trees and flowers that they saw from seeds and saplings. I want that. I have tried to reconcile some of this with God by saying, "I don't want a BIG house, just my house, for my family." I guess I feel like if I qualify it for Him that will make it all right. I want God's will for our lives. And I really hope His includes a home back in Omaha very soon... :-) Funny thing this praying for God's will... as much as I want my way, and as much as it will hurt initially if His will and my will don't match up, I love this feeling I have inside. As homesick as I get every time I chat or e-mail or facebook with those back in Omaha... then to pray to Him asking for His will and knowing that it may not include Omaha... I feel Him at work. And that is good. Very good.

So we sit and wait. Tomorrow is the day that the master ROTC list is decided, after that they begin matching up commanders with schools. Don't know if we will find out if we made the first cut initially or not. But I continue to pray... In that I cannot go wrong. In prayer, I am not the new person anymore...they know me there!


Peace (and comfort) to all who read...

Well, we presented our case...

...and we will see if it is in line with the Lord's Will.

On Thursday, Steve got in his car and drove across town to Randolph AFB and turned in his ROTC package. The "campaigning" is now over. Unless someone farther up the process gets involved. I have prayed about this for weeks now. We discussed our top 5 schools (have to rank them in your package) and we were pretty together on them. The final choice was: 1. UN Lincoln, 2. Auburn, 3. VSU, 4. UK Lexington & 5. Samford Univ. Our first choice was purely selfish: Love the Nebraska and want to get back there how ever we can. The next 4 choices were all "close to family." We could hear something as soon as Halloween or as late at March! The big schools go fast...it's the smaller schools that become harder to fill. Not sure what we will do if he is offered a school that was not on our list and not in an area where we want to go.

Then on Friday, AFTER he turned in his ROTC package, Steve's old boss from USSTRATCOM called and left him a message. He was wondering what Steve's "plans" were for next summer.. ugh!!!! So the prayers continue 10 fold! We want to be where the Lord wants us! Really! But the thought of going back to Omaha... I smile just thinking about it. Our friends, our church, my ladies Bible studies, the snow and the Huskers! We were in a similar situation several years ago. Steve got a call while at ACSC to be a DO. Cool! Awesome! Just what he wanted... but this job was a remote to Thule AB, Greenland. Not we had planned. And then he gets another call from the same guy telling us that another guy is also being considered for this job, so if it falls through for Steve, they have a deputy job back at Peterson AFB they will offer him. Gee...let me think about this... hmmm...a remote to Thule Greenland for a year or going back to Peterson AFB (WHERE I WANTED TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!)???? I cried and cried over this. But I finally, through the tears, realized that to be anywhere that was NOT God's plan was wrong. And to go back to Colorado when it was not in His will would make for a rough assignment. So, I told Steve that I would go (or stay as luck would have it) where the Lord wanted us. And so he went to Thule Greenland for a year, without us.

Again, I feel like we are at that same crossroad. ROTC would be really cool - if it's where we want to be (read: location). But a possible sure thing back to Omaha, whether or not it would be good for his career, makes me long for my NE "home." I don't necessarily feel like this is God testing me, but I think He would like to see my heart in the right place on this. What is motivating us? What is truly important right now? Is is Steve's career? Is it the thought of fullfilling a dream that Steve has always had? Are we trying to put our kids first and look at finally giving them so roots? Ultimately it has to be about pleasing God in all we say and do.

So now we pray for clarity. And wisdom. And selflessness. And wholeness. His ways are higher and grander than any thing we can ever imagine. And we must remember that in ALL things. It was not too long ago (January of 2008) that we felt coming to Lackland was a consulation prize, a "thanks for playing." Little did we know it was the grand prize! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Peace (and clarity) to all who read...

Some real enlightenment - for me, anyway...

Many times I have wanted to post to my Facebook: Lonnie Orphan Gibson wishes things were different. For a variety of things, really. Not just for the better, just different. And then God shows up and shows me "different." And then I again become grateful for what I have and not for I wish I had.

We experienced that today. I/we have battled with decisions on how to treat our son's ADHD - Do we medicate him more? Do we medicate him less? Medicate him at all? Allow the school to "classify" him as such, thereby giving him some special help... Today I saw a family that is dealing with more than any 10 families together should ever have to deal with. God showed us what "different" looked like through the eyes of another parent. When we got home today, both Steve & I were speechless. How could we ever deal with all the pain and challenges this family has to deal with? And there is more to the challanges than just the child. This family is swallowed up in medical and "other" struggles. But I did not see this as God saying "See how bad you could have it???" Because I don't think God deals with us in those terms. I think He said to me,"Lonnie, this is what different could be."

Back when Steve was sick, I wanted it to be different. But if it had been different, I might have missed my "slow dance" with God. You know the one... where the spot light is on you. You are the only two out there on the dance floor and He holds you close like you were the only person in the world. He leads and you are swept off your feet...you feel like your floating. Gee, when you put it like that, who in their right mind would pass that up??? "Uh, no thanks, God. I need to go to Wal-mart." But God did not ask me if I wanted my husband to have cancer...He asked me if I wanted to dance. And we did.

As I look at the news and watch all that is happening, I wish things were different. I hate all the political ugliness. It comes from both sides. No one is immune to it. Democrat, Republican, white, black, old, young, men , women. But because of all this ugliness, I firmly believe that more people are on their knees for America than ever before. Why does it always take a crisis??? This week the Lord spoke to me about this in 1 Peter 2: 13-17: Make the Master proud of you by being good citizens. Respect the authorities, whatever their level; they are God's emissaries for keeping order. It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government. Who says the Bible isn't relevent??? Or timely??

Peace (& slow dancing) to all who read...

Gee...times flies when you are being Super Mom...

Not!

Time flies when the kids are out for summer and you want to make the most of your summer vacation. Isn't that what being a stay-at-home mom is about? Doesn't one choose this life so that they can make memories with their children? Keep them safe and be there to help them make better choices? At least that is what the surveys tell us. But I know some stay home because financially it makes more sense. Some folks make just enough to cover the child care costs and put a wee bit back in their pockets. It's those folks that have decisions to make. Is the extra cash worth it...

The kids and I have had a blast this summer! Six Flags, SeaWorld, the movies, the swimming pool... And I am exhausted! I thank God every morning that I have this chance. I have awesome children and we have so much fun together. The 4 of us could ride down the SeaWorld's Lazy River (and the Six Flags equivalent) all day just hanging on to each other's tubes and relaxing. How many other folks can say that they feel the closest to God at an amusement park???

I didn't mean for my blogging to go by the wayside.... In fact, I thought about it often. But I guess this gives those folks who were just reading and looking at the train wreck (i.e. Steve's cancer - he's fine now, thanks!) a chance to move on. And it you have had the patience to wait out my sabbatical and are still with me, I hope that you will hold me accountable for my thoughts and prayers.

My quiet time has not been the best this summer. I allowed my "busy" schedule with the kids get in the way. And the fact that have not been involved in a bible study this summer. But then my pastor preached on having a Twitter relationship with God and our lack of spending quality time with the one person many say is THE most important person in our lives. So, I started getting back up around 6am, fixed my coffee and sat in my chair with my Bible and started reading random books in the New Testament. The little ones - 1st & 2nd Thess., Philippians and the like. I am now on James. I joked in my SS class that I felt like I was going thru someone's mail! And dear Ms Lana said, "Exactly!" :-) These books have really spoken to me.

Especially now. Steve & I are at a crossroads. A career one... And we are both pretty much on the same page, but are we together on the RIGHT page. We both feel that our time on the road is coming to a close. Our kids are older and what we do now really affects them socially and even more importantly, scholastically. If we follow the AF we will be in and around the DC area next year. If the kids were younger, I think we would be okay with it. But neither of us has EVER wished to live there and after chatting with a number of folks that have "escaped" the area, I am even more convinced that it is not what our family needs. Right now, we are really being pulled to go back to Omaha - for many reasons, really. We also feel a pull back to Colorado Springs. Both assignments would have us going back to churches we loved, friends we loved, and the reality of a retirement job there. Omaha has one thing that C-Springs doesn't - closer proximity to family. But to go back to Omaha may be the nail in Steve's military coffin. Colorado Springs would keep that alive a while longer. My prayer for the last several weeks has been for God's will. Really. But my second prayer has been the desire of my heart - to settle down and put down roots...to retire. And my third prayer has been for it to be in Omaha. In that order.

And yesterday God gave my some scripture that has helped tremendously.

Matthew 6:34 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." The Message He has used the Message translation many times to speak to me.

Steve is currently submitting a package to apply to be an AF ROTC Commander at a college. One of the colleges that should be available next summer is Univ. Of NE at Omaha. So many things and people that will be important in this process are people or things from Steve's past. He has so many connections to the process. It all looked too good to be true. And I prayed for clarity in all of this. Everyday there was something new... Just a few examples - Steve's former Group Commander has some type of leadership role in the ROTC selection process. The UNO det. mascot is the Wolfpack! Just like his current squadron. He knows the current commander of this ROTC det. To be selected as an ROTC commander there is some 'campaigning' to be done. And Steve has some wonderful people in his corner, so it has been hard not to get our hopes up. But then... Steve called the squadron to talk to the current commander - he was on leave. But his second in command mentioned something about the current commander extending his command by a year. Not good.

This is why the above mentioned scripture has become so important to me. I am so worried and worked up over all this when I can attest to personally witnessing God making changes for our good. I guess I just needed a reminder. Thanks for your reminder (and your patience with me), God.

Peace to all who read...

I've been to the spiritual taxidermist!

Okay - before I go any further, I need to make sure that I give credit for that analogy to my current pastor David Trawick. When he preached on this on Sunday, at first I had the "deer in the headlights" look (no pun intended). But then, my eyes were opened to the concept. And maybe more so because it was as if he were speaking about me.

I have spent so much time praising God for all the good in our lives - the big and the small. Answered prayer for Steve's healing and close parking spots on a harried day. And I would actively engage God when all seemed lost. And I was struggling to keep my head about water... But I never lost sight of God and His place in my life. It seems the extremes can bring out the best in a Christian. God wants us to come to Him, to cling to Him. The first person that many music artists give credit to on an album or upon receiving an award is God (whether they are a person of faith or not - I guess it's their way of being PC enough to get record sales). And on the opposite side of that joy, most of us run to God when we are scared and hurting. Even those that have had little to do with God or little acknowledgement of His power will find themselves, even briefly asking God for help. Why? There has to be something inside that says just maybe He is who He says He is. If not, they would be crying out to Barack Obama or George Bush or Oprah or Martha Stewart or Billy Graham in prayer. In the dark of their bedroom. On their knees. Okay, how many of you have, in your darkness hour, have fallen to your knees, wept uncontrollably and cried out, "Oh Oprah! Help me! I don't know where to turn! I'm scared!"

So why have I been to the spiritual taxidermist? Because in all the scariness of the cancer, I was on my knees before God. And in all the joys of healing I have danced before God. But in the mundane I am still trying to do it all myself. Inside I am not allowing God to do His work. We are possibly nearing the end of Steve's military career and some choices are going to be made. Instead of praying God's Will in all of this (and you would think that after all that has happened to get us where we are right now, praying God's Will would be a no brainer), I am trying to make the decisions for the rest of our lives. I am ready to "plant flowers and paint walls" (that's my way of saying retirement). But I am not allowing God to work in this equation, knowing full well that any "flowers" He plants are going to be bigger and brighter and more beautiful than any thing I could ever hope to plant. And any "walls" He paints are going to be more spectacularly done and with more ease than I could ever hope for. But yet, there I am doing the work of worrying and manipulating, trying to work it all out the way I want. A while back, I hurt someone and in turn it hurt me terribly. I went to God immediately. And I went again and again - for weeks. Just when I would think that I had completely given to God and He forgave me for my actions, I would pull it back and stare at it and cry all over again. I am still doing it. Even today I have cried over it. And that is keeping me from being the person God would have me to be.

I have a necklace that has become as priceless as any rare jewel to me. It was given to me 2 days before Steve's surgery. It says "Let Go! Let God." It is priceless for a several reasons: 1. The giver took time out her extremely busy schedule to select (not grab off a rack) but carefully select this gift for me. I say that because the store she purchased it in is not a "grab & go" gift/jewelry store. 2. When the purchasing and giving could have been a short and sweet sentiment, she added yet another wonderful God moment - she took it to our pastor to have it prayed over before giving it to me. And it stayed around my neck 24/7 until we got the pathology report back. It was like a 24 hour hug. Oh, I still wear it! Just not 24/7 3. The giver's family has become a real blessing to our family - a ray of sunshine in our time in San Antonio. And 4. The message: Let Go! Let God. That is so very hard. To show my "spiritual taxidermist" side I say that I am "meditating" on it. But in all reality I am holding on to it. Not "Letting go and letting God." It's my crisis or my hurt or my problem! If I let go then I am not taking responsibility for any of it. Holding on shows that I am taking ownership of it. To let it go means I don't care. With all the "letting go" and "holding on" I have done lately, I should have awesome upper body strength and toned triceps. Uh, not so much.

On the outside, I "look" like a Christian. I dress like a Christian. I listen to Christian music. I read books like a Christian (my bible, Beth Moore and many Guidepost Series). But on the inside I am just a mold or a form to hold up the outside. Whether its plastic, stuffing or marshmallow fluff , I am (at times) filled with stuff that just holds my outsides together. And on that day that we stand before the Lord, we will shed our "outsides" and only our insides will be on display for all to see. Not sure I am up for that yet. I am certainly a work in progress...


Peace to all who read...

My cousins are great role models!!!

I look back over so many of my posts and I see "whining" written all over them. And if I knew I was whining early enough, I posted a "whining alert!" Whining is somewhat scriptural, isn't? Isn't that a little of what Lamentations is? In fact, in the LRE (Lonnie Revised Edition) there is actually an Ecclesiastes 3:8a: "...a time to whine and a time to get over it." For me whining is a way of crying out to God. He wants us to cry out. But He also (I think) wants us to get it out of our system and move on. He might have given us the gift of whining but He does NOT cater Pity Parties.

Okay, so what does the title have to do with whining? I have a cousin (and her hubby) that are currently on a path that they did not foresee. But their mindsets and attitudes amaze me! My cousin's husband lost his job. And if they had not shared that information you would never know. They live a life of gratitude. I know they are not perfect, and I am sure if you asked them, they would point out many of their flawed attempts at gratitude. But to see their facebook posts and to read their encouraging e-mails to us, you would never know. To hear that in his free time he is spending more time at the church and taking care of their son. Going on field trips and volunteering. Doesn't sound like whining or "woe is me" to me... This is so much like Beth Moore's "Okay what next?" moment, that I mentioned in my last post. God says, "You lost your job, what next? Okay, you made some very sound financial decisions to prepare for the coming months, what next? You are spending more of your free time serving Me and your family, what next? You have had a burden of unhappiness taken off your shoulders, what next?" I think that is why God had everything move so quickly for us. If had had time to really sit and think about all that was happening, I could have written my own book of Lamentations.

There are so many things about my life that I wish were different, but dwelling on them doesn't make it better. And I don't think that "wishing things were different" is inherently wrong, because you would not be moved to change if you were completely happy and satisfied in an unhealthy environment. But God wants me to be thankful IN all things not FOR all things.

I was NOT thankful FOR the cancer, but I AM thankful for friends IN the midst of it all.

I am NOT thankful FOR church politics (nothing in particular about any specific church), but I AM thankful to be IN a wonderful healing Sunday School class and past small group.

I am NOT thankful for the crime that takes place all around in San Antonio, but I AM thankful to be IN a wonderful neighborhood with such caring neighbors.

I am NOT thankful FOR the pulling up of roots every time this military family moves, but I AM thankful to be IN the military because of all the friends (who are now family) that we would not have in our lives otherwise.

I am NOT thankful FOR the buckets of $$ to fix our washer (could have bought new- but this whole cancer thing was front and center at the time and we needed a washer immediately), but I AM thankful that we had the money IN the bank to take care of it.

I was NOT thankful FOR the stress that is brought on by a family emergency and having more people under roof than usual, but I was thankful IN the commissary that I was able to go and be with my friends (my coupons and bargains), recharge my battery and lovingly take care of my wonderful extended family.

I am NOT thankful FOR having to watch every dime we spend, but I am thankful for being IN tune to all of our finances thereby allowing me to stay at home and spend more time with my family.

I am NOT thankful FOR being so far away from my family, but I AM thankful for being IN the most wonderful family that makes me want to be there for every little event (all your facebook posts make me miss you even more!)

My goal? To look at every negative and find the positive. You can't have one without the other...


Peace (and gratitude) to all who read...

Why???

Above is the picture of a miracle. This is Steve leading his graduating flights in the weekly Airman's Run. This was April 30th - one day shy of 7 weeks away from his cancer surgery. I don't think I have been more proud of him, than I was at that moment. And then to have other commanders and staff run by and shout with a big grin, "He's running with us!" I must admit that eyes were sweating a little during that...must have been then heat. :-)

I don't want to beat the "miracle" aspect of this into the ground, but I am reminded daily that the outcomes are not always as happy as ours is right now. And I do know that our outcome can change any time. God is in control.

Today was one of those days when I was reminded of how cancer can devastate. When all this began with us, a CMSgt and his wife took it upon themselves to make sure that our meal needs at the house were taken care of while Steve was hospitalized. Our situation became very personal to them - the Chief had also been diagnosed with the very same cancer that Steve has/had. His prognosis was not as good, but currently God is choosing a path of healing for him. They had volunteers from all over. One of the volunteers was a MSgt & his wife who had been touched by cancer as well - the wife had been diagnosed a while back but was recovering. Well, the MSgt stopped by Steve's office today because he knew that Steve would want to know - her cancer was back and it was in her liver. There is nothing they can do. On Friday they have another appointment, hopefully they will get some sort of time line.

Why? Why does God heal some and not others? Will God stop Steve's cancer from coming back? If not, why? If so, why doesn't He do that for others? Why does there have to be cancer anyway? None of these questions really need answers. I recently read somewhere that many of the diseases and illnesses we suffer from are not created by God, but are the result of us taking His perfect world (Garden of Eden) and making it imperfect. And those imperfections are unhealthy and there for we are paying the price. Why can't He just wave His hand and make it all better? Cancer is never pleasant. Even in the smallest cancers and easiest of recoveries there are tears and pain. Steve's cancer was as brief as it could be - but we were still terrified. He still hurt tremendously after surgery. And we will still look over our shoulder for the rest of our lives. so, for this family on base that is beginning a very painful process, I pray for peace. For comfort. Does knowing you have a limited time left on earth make the pain less because you know the end is in sight? Or does it seem more intense because it is all you know and it's the final hurdle you have before ultimate healing? When Steve called to tell me about this family, I stopped and prayed for peace. But I also prayed for comfort, for them to be able to spend these last weeks or months together in the most comfortable way possible without the help of pharmaceuticals to cloud their memories.

I am still trying to get back into the swing of things. I think Steve has had an easier time transitioning than I have. Today, I tackled the office. There were stacks and stacks of papers that have need to be filed for the last 2 months. Well, I finally sat down and started through it. And again I was reminded of where we have been. I found the referral to pulmanology when all this got started. I found pre-op paperwork. I found post-op paperwork. And I found the card for 2 North Surgical Intensive Care Unit. It has the numbers I called at night when I got home from the hospital to let Steve's nurse know that I had gotten home safely. And the number I called 1st thing in the morning to find out how his night went (since his night nurse would be gone by the time I got there in the morning). It was wrinkled from being pressed in my sweaty palms for days. It was my connection to Steve when I could not be by his side during the worst of it.

I am thankful for these moments. I don't want to ever forget where we were. Or who got us through it. During one of the later sessions of Beth Moore's Esther study, she talked about being in place where she felt like it was a bad as it could get. She cried out to God and He said to her, "Okay, so then what...?" Meaning - say the worst possible scenario comes true...then what? She talked about how she would slowly put her life back together and God kept saying to her,"Okay, then what?" Never once did she mention God not being a part of her life. Never once did she mention that life would end for her (although it might feel like it). She would take small steps and God would be with her. Many of the questions that were asked during this study asked things that had you focus on "the worst possible scenario." And of course my worst possible scenario is life without Steve. Now, it's important to note here that I purposely did not see Life without God a possible answer here. Not that my faith is that amazing or anything, but I can honestly say that I never questioned God presence or lack of presence during all of this. I cried out to him from the very beginning. I got angry with Him. But I never doubted His love for me. I just thought He has a strange way of showing it. But God showed up in the most unlikely of ways and the most unusual places (see my God sightings if you question any of this) immediately! Please don't misunderstand - if the cancer comes back and God does not intervene in some earthly way (healing him again or allowing the second coming), I will be devastated! I will be angry. But when I am done, God will still be there. Ready to help me pick up the pieces and continue the life that He has planned for me. I am not planing my husband's funeral here... just the opposite. I can't imagine life with out him! But it is so easy to give God the praise and the glory when we receive healing. And it is so easy to go to God on behalf of others when you feel like your had your prayers answered and theirs are not. Our God is a great and wonderful God. And He does not want to see His children suffer. And knowing that gives me some peace because our family had their prayers answered the way we wanted them. I pray now that I am able to come before God with an attitude of gratitude. And that I am able to pray for others who suffer. That my prayers for them not be "thankful for our situation" but focused entirely on their situation and their suffering. Prayers for the same mercy He showed us.

I'm still tired. Don't know when that will change. I think maybe I'm just ready to retire. Another situation that is beyond my control... healing, Steve's military career... Will somebody wake me up when it's time to move??? :-)

Peace to all who read...

Okay, what now?

This last 8 weeks seem like some kind of weird dream (and at times a nightmare). But when I look at Steve, I wonder, "What just happened?" Does he/did he really have cancer? I look at out lives right now, in this very moment and it seems like everything is like it was back in...let's say...October, I guess. None of this was even close to being on the radar. We happily motored along, doing what was expected of us: Kids went to school, I did my stay-at-home mom things and Steve commanded a squadron. To look at us right now, you would once again see just that. And in fact, there are some folks that still don't know. Not because we kept it a secret, but because we told as many as we could, but moved on to the recovery portion as soon as we could. I will mention the cancer in passing (thinking that they know) and I will get the oddest looks. I then realize and say something like, "Oh, didn't you know that Steve briefly had cancer?" And then I get even odder looks. I love it!

But what now? As scared as I was for so long, I never felt closer to God than I did during all of that. I felt His presence in EVERYTHING! And I know He is still in EVERYTHING for me, but I just don't see it as well now. You know how the moon is always out. And if you look really hard in the morning sky, you might be able to see it? Just a small white circle or crescent that is barely visible in the day light. But at night...wow! In the dark, the moon lights up the whole sky! And if you really want a good view of all the Heavenlies, you drive out away from town, away from all the city lights so that everything in the night sky becomes clearer? That's where I am right now. When it was the darkest it could possibly be, God lit up my world! You couldn't miss Him. But now that my world is not so dark, He seems to be harder and harder to see with the naked eye. But that is not His problem, it's mine. I am not looking hard enough right now. At the bottom of my "cancer hole" that only way to look was up. I couldn't miss Him. But now that I am back on flat ground, there are so many things around me to take my eyes off Him . So many different directions. So many things that are begging for my attention. I never want to be in that hole again, but I also don't want to lose that blessed tunnel vision I required to get out of that hole.

Steve is doing fabulous. Hopefully he will run with the soon-to-be graduating Airman this week. He has done some exercising in the last few weeks, but running has hurt a little, so he has not pushed himself as much as he could in that area. We don't go back to the doc again until June. He will have a base-line CT scan around the 13th of June and then we will see the doc sometime just after that. He will be followed every 3 months for the first 2-3 years and then every 6 months until he hits the 5 year mark. Then every year. Wow...did all this really happen? Steve got the opportunity to write a letter to someone going through the same thing. Our SS teacher is a part of a Christian fellowship that gathers and prays at work. Well, one of the worker's non-smoking mother-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Chris asked Steve if he could write her a note of encouragement. And he did - last night. What started out as a card became a several page letter. How can you some up what you went through in just a few words on the inside of a Get Well card? You can't, not really.

I think this week everything starts new. Steve is back at work. Fiesta is behind us. And my wonderful wonderful Esther Bible study draws to close. What happens next is up to me. God is not moving away. He will be right where He has always been. Do I make Him my life preserver and have Him snugly strapped to me all the time? Or do I wait to fall out of the boat and reach for Him to keep from drowning? The choice is up to me.

Peace (and tunnel vision) to all who read...

Picture of health!

Here are a few pictures of hubby! Since I can't seem to figure out how to label them individually, I will just tell you about each of them here:

1. 1 week and 1 day post-op: Pinewood Derby, his goal to getting out of the hospital.

2. Less than 2 weeks post-op: NCO Academy Graduation Dinner - one of his MTIs was graduating and he took it easy all day to make sure that he could be there!

3. About 5 weeks post-op: 2nd day back at work - He looks great!

The longer you wait, the harder it is to post...

Sorry for the sabbatical. Not my intent. But my "creature of extreme habit" personality got the best of me. I LOVE routine! And about 6-7 weeks ago my days went something like this: Get up around 5:30am, read the paper & have my coffee, start waking up kids at 6, have everyone gone by 8 and have the house to myself. I then would spend about an hour with God doing a number of things: praying, reading scripture, doing my bible study or blogging. And yes, blogging is a form of prayer and conversation with God for me. But all of that can only happen when I am alone. I am not able to whip out my bible study or bible and in the middle of a crowd. Having full length conversations with God at a Burger King, just ain't happening. No embarrassment or anything like that. And I am not shy about my faith, but my time alone with God is very private - I don't like to do it in front of anyone. I don't like to discuss things of a Spiritual nature as they are happening (usually) because my mind takes time to process this stuff. I am a slow learner. And I don't want anyone else's ideas or thoughts (at that time) to influence what I think God is telling ME. And I am oh so easily influenced. Now, give me some time to sit and think, and I can chat all day about what God is doing in my life. That's why I love to blog (when I do it :-) ). Most of you have no idea how long it takes me to write an entry. Two paragraphs can take over an hour some times, because I stop, read what I wrote, read it again, think about it, ask God if I'm an idiot and then erase the whole thing and start over. And some days, I just type away as God is talking to me. Right now, I am at about 45 minutes for this little dissertation... all that to say:

Steve started back to work yesterday! My routine is back! And I am loving it. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have Steve home all the time. I would just have to revamp my routine, but I would love it. It feels so good to have my time alone with God again.

Steve is doing fantastic! To look at him, you would never think that he recently had a large portion of his lung removed. Okay, it was only a 1/3 of his lung, but I think ANY removal of any part of a major organ is large.

Well, I am cutting this short today as I am headed out to a Holocaust Remembrance Luncheon at the base. Steve's Group Commander is the speaker. He (I think) has his doctorate in German history - should be VERY interesting!

Peace to all who read...

Our first follow up and more God sightings!

Yesterday we had our first follow with the surgeon. He was very pleased with Steve's progress and told him that he was allowed to do as much cardio as he could handle - but he was still restricted in the lifting department and still no driving. The muscles that were cut to remove the diseased portion of his lung take quite a while to heal. The doc let us look at the chest x-ray they took yesterday and he compared it to the chest x-ray the day before surgery. The remaining portions of his lung are already growing and filling the void left by the surgery. We go back to the surgeon in 2 weeks. Then begins the forever regimen - Every 3 months for the first 2 years, every 6 months for the next 3 and then once every year... And on Thursday we have our first (and maybe our only) visit with the oncologist. The typical course of treatment for the stage of Steve's cancer is surgery and nothing else. Although Steve has said that if they give him the option, he will take the chemo as a preventative measure. We got a copy of the path report that explains why chemo may not be an option - the mass was only 2.1 centimeters instead of the original measurement of over 3! They really could not have caught this any earlier! It was such a positive visit.
I wish everyone to this hospital could have a positive visit. Our time of uncertainty and fear may be coming to an end, but for so many of the young men and women we see at BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center), theirs just continues. As we are celebrating a great report, many of these young people are hoping that they can ease back into society with prosthetic limbs, skin grafts that cover most of their bodies and mental anguish that may never go away. And yet some, with prosthetics are trying to figure out how to get back to the desert to do what they were trained to do. It makes this whole cancer thing feel very trivial. Sure puts things in perspective for me...
I mentioned more "God sightings..." God looks like a mother/mother-in-law that showed up the day after we scheduled surgery and took care of her grandchildren like nobody's business. God looks like a brother/brother-in-law that showed up a week ago and has fixed EVERY broken thing in our house and done more yard work than we have done since we have been here. He was also joined by above mentioned mother in replanting and repairing all of our flower beds! The neighbors have been by to complain that we were making their yards look bad. And God also looks like those same neighbors that rang our doorbell yesterday evening to tell us that the 20 or so bags of yard waste would not be picked up by the trash collector. So they began to rally all the surrounding neighbors and their trash cans and began filling them up with our yard waste. How cool it was to see them walking door to door and calling those they had numbers for to enlist their help. God looked down on Bent Willow yesterday evening and smiled.
And God looks like the families of the other Squadron Commander's that have been bringing us meals. I never realized how much we needed that. The physical part of Steve's recovery has been going smoothly and rapidly, but the mental recovery (for both of us) is just beginning. My head is still spinning with all that has happened that I have not had the energy or the desire to get into my kitchen. And usually cooking is very therapeutic for me. I miss it, but my heart is not there right now. Another commander's spouse called me while I was at the commissary (I had to take Steve to work for a few hours - don't ask, just another reason we have not mentally begun to repair). I told her that being at the commissary, alone and with my coupons was wonderful. It was the first "normal" thing I have done in over 3 weeks. Every meal/event/car ride has had some connection to the surgery and the cancer. EVERY thing. So to be in the commissary with my beloved coupons and figuring out the bargains felt so good. That's really sad isn't it. I will never take the mundane for granted again.
I think the chaos and the mundane work together in God's perfect plan. We need those moments of tightly clinging to the Lord for protection. It is only then in the mundane that it feels so good to let go, spread our arms wide and soak up His goodness. I am reminded of the old Nestea commercials. The ones where folks gulp down a glass of tea and fall back into the water. I think that is what God needs from me right now. To take big gulps and drink Him in and then be so relaxed and at peace that I just free fall back into His arms KNOWING that He will catch me.

Peace (and Spiritual Nestea moments) to all who read...

Finally! A few minutes to myself...

The kids are in school, my mother-in-law is getting herself ready for the day and Steve is sleeping in - as he should be. And all is right with the world. Okay - all is always right in God's world, I can just see it through his eyes today.

Steve is doing wonderful! If you did not know him and what he had been through for the last 2 weeks, you would have no idea that he had a cancer diagnosis and major surgery. But walk around with him for a few minutes and you will see this physically fit guy get winded going up stairs or just walking around. We both know that this will pass, but it hard to see him struggle with the simplest of destinations. As you may have read, in my previous post, we got the best news we could have ever been given! He may, in fact, now be a cancer survivor at this point! They got it all, it did not include the lymph nodes and it was found at an earlier stage than they first diagnosed! It was still cancer. And it was still bad - in the words of our surgeon "Lung cancer is a bad cancer to get." And he will carry this diagnosis with him for the rest of his life. And it will change the way his health care management is handled. And it will change the way we look at the rest of our life.

Everything in the last 60 days has pointed to the scripture Jeremiah 29:11. Not to beat a dead horse here (for those who have been following my blog), but that verse and the meaning behind it have appeared at the most appropriate and least expected moments. Some folks know that I have been praying that scripture since this all began and some had no idea. And those who had no idea would send something with that on it. In fact one card we received, had a beautiful inscription and lovely verse on the inside, but it wasn't until I turned the card over to the back (not sure why I did) that I noticed in small print the quote from Jeremiah. Steve & I have spent our lives grading his career by military standards (certain job placements and exposure meant that you were on the right track for excelling). And when certain things didn't come through, we would grade his career against others and ask, "Where did we go wrong? What could we have done different?"

In earlier post I said that I wanted to help God in the plan for mine and Steve's lives - help smooth the path, since I obviously know what makes us happy and fulfilled. I wanted God to let me in on the planning, give me a peak at what was to come. I feel like this whole scenario was just that. No, He did not give me a peak at the end of the story, but he did give us little glimpses along the way to quiet our Spirits. In fact, the night before surgery, as Steve was getting done with his pre-op shower, we were talking. And he looked at me and said, "I don't think God would have brought us this far and this way to have the cancer take me." And I believe him.

Even in all this, I still find ways to be amazed at God's timing. Most folks know that our move from Nebraska was very difficult for me. I attended an wonderful Wednesday morning Gretna Bible study (Amy - tell everyone how much I miss them!) that regularly did Beth Moore Studies. I miss that group so much - they were a neat bunch of ladies that welcomed anyone from any church! Oh, let me clarify - this was not the church we were members of. And it was quite a drive every Wednesday to go. But that was my quiet time with God. I did a lot of praying then. So when I heard that they were doing the Esther Study at the start of the new year, I was so jealous. Yep, I said it - jealous. And then I heard that my mother-law was starting it right after them at her church. I was getting ready to check out Beth's website because she has a listing of churches that register to do her studies, when I saw an announcement in our bulletin that we were starting this study in February. The Gretna group is already done (I think) and my mother-in law is almost done (1 more week I think) because their schedules were never compromised due to Spring break and Ash Wednesday services. But ours was. We are only on week 5 at this point. But oh, my how the schedule has blessed me. Even my slacker days (where I did 2 lessons at once because my head wasn't in it prior to then) were exactly what I needed at that precise moment. One Sunday afternoon, I sat outside in the garage while Steve was washing his car (with all that had been going on, I needed to be with him when ever possible - I did not want to take any moment for granted). I took my Study with me. I was working on day 2 of week 3. I got all the way to the last question in the lesson when I was pulled away to meet a new neighbor. I put up my book, with the intent of reading the last 2 paragraphs when I did day 3. And so the next morning, after the kids got off to school I opened my study to finish. Now, understand this -we knew that a bronchoscopy was happening this week and a possible needle biopsy after that, if no results could be determined from the 1st procedure. Here is a portion of what was in the last 2 paragraphs, "Every man-scheduled date subjected upon one of His children is written, not just on a doctor's calendar, a hospital's calendar or a trial judge's calendar. It is written on God's. For each person given one year to live, trust that time is God's alone to give." I stopped and stared wide-eyed at what I had just read. Then the tears flowed...in buckets! How could God use these words now? This was not what I needed to hear right now. Ordinarily, I would have shut my book and found something else to do. I could not handle this! But, not this time. I guess I felt like a glutton for punishment. So I moved on to day 3. At the bottom of the first page of this chapter Beth talks about how Satan's most effective tactic is to trap us in mental torment - fear! She then asks, "What situation most recently tempted you toward mental torment?" I needed both of those parts of the lesson together in that way on that very day! If I had done the lessons as planned, I would never have been moved as I was that day. The week prior, when I should have been doing the homework, we were still waiting on the 2nd ct scan. We were still positive that it was nothing but infection and the results of the ct scan would show it! But as we sat waiting for the next test to happen Satan tried to use Beth's interpretation of God's Word against me. But God allowed a little interruption in my "perfectly planned" Sunday afternoon to continue His even more perfect plan. Now fast forward a few weeks as I am catching up on the study I have missed due to surgery and such. It's week 4, day 4 and chapter titled. "For Such a Time as This." As I read the lessons and answer what questions I can (again,, I am tired and my head ain't quite in it) I read," Not only are you royalty but you also have been placed in your sphere of influence, regardless of the size you perceive it to be, 'for such a time as this.' Ecclesiastes 3:2 tells us there is 'a time to be born and a time to die.' God cut out those exact perimeters for you and me on the kingdom calendar so that we would be positioned on earth right now. Likewise, Acts 17:26 tells unflinchingly that God 'determined the times set for [us] and the exact places that [we] should live.' You see, even your current location is part of the set-up for your kingdom destiny. As we learned in one our earliest verses on providence in this series, in Christ, 'we are also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works everything in conformity with the purpose of His will' (Eph 1:11)..." Even my taking this study when I did was in His perfect plan. I needed those words and moments listed above at just the time I received them. Had I taken this study at any other time. I don't know that I would have gotten it. God even allowed my being a slacker at my homework to work in his favor! And those of you who know me, I am never a slacker when it comes to Beth's homework. I love her homework!

Oh, the God moments. I pray that I continue to praise His name in the good and the bad. I pray that I do not lose this feeling, this place, this moment with God.

Peace to all who read...

A Real quick update!!!!

1st - We are home!!!

2nd - He feels really good, just sore.

3rd - drum roll please....the Doc just called (at 8:30 at night!) to tell us he got the path report: All lymph nodes are negative! The cancer has been reclassified from a 1B to a 1A!!!!!!

Praise God!!!!


Peace (and JOY!) to all who read...

I'm tired...but it's a good kinda tired.

Picture this: You are in a hospital room with your 41 year old non-smoking husband who had lung cancer surgery. You leave thinking, "This has been one of the best days we have had in over a month!" It truly was. He was Steve again. His personality was back. He was smiling, joking with the staff, shaving and begging to be taken on walks because he was getting bored and tired in his room. So we walked and walked and walked. It was wonderful, except for all the medical equipment that we have to drag along to include nursing staff - knocks the romance right off the moment. :-) But who cares. He wanted to be out. When lunch rolled around he did not want anything off the hospital menu, so I went to the cafeteria down stairs, had subs made for us and got chips. And there we sat in room 6 of 3 North. He in his recliner, me in a chair opposite of him with his hospital tray between us covered with our lunch. And then we held hands and he blessed it. It was the first normal moment we have had in weeks. Who knew one could have such a wonderful lunch date in a hospital room! It was better than any meal shared anywhere else (other than pizza movie night with the kiddos - which will hopefully be right around the corner). If all goes well, he will have his chest tubes out tomorrow and can come either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday morning.
But, oh the things I take for granted. I had reality slap me in the face yesterday. Yes, he had a much better day, but he still wasn't Steve. And at the end of the evening when he lay in his bed exhausted from all his work, he looked so vulnerable and weak. All I wanted to do was crawl in the bed next to him and snuggle - something we have not done since we woke up on Friday morning. It was then I remembered a conversation earlier in the day about borrowing a recliner for the house (it's here now). He would not be in the bed with me. Getting him home is not going to erase what we have gone through. I spent my entire ride home from the hospital last night crying my eyes out to a friend in Nebraska about how ungrateful I was being. A week ago all I wanted was for the Pet Scan to be clear. It was. We celebrated. Then it was all I wanted was for the surgery to be successful and Steve to come through it alive and well. Got that too. Apparently not enough for me though. Then all I wanted was to bring Steve home. Some how it seemed to me that bringing him home made it all go away. But as I saw him there in that bed in pain, I knew that even at home life would not be normal for a long while. And as I told him, " I just want it to be 6 months ago when it seem that all was right with the world." And his reply was, "Or 6 months from now when it will all feel right again." I am not very good at living in the moment (as someone on line or in an e-mail instructed me to do). I want to read to the end of the book. I want to know NOW that the good guy wins. And wins the way I want him too. I continue to ask God for peace and He continues to give me small victories to have peace with, but I want the big ones. And I want them now. As I pouring out my heart last night, I told my friend that I knew we needed to make this journey and we needed to make it in God's time. To speed it up or to skip portions of it means to skip the blessings He has in store for us. Like my lunch date in Steve's hospital room. My father-in-law told me that when we get to the other side of this, we will be changed. And I truly believe that. I am looking forward to the person God is making us to be in all this. To be remolded and shaped is a painful process, but so is training for the Boston Marathon (like our nutty pastor back in Nebraska - still haven't figured that one out). And so is bending to His will. It makes me think of the scripture in Malachi 3 -"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." A story is told of a women's Bible study that were puzzled by this verse so that asked a silversmith what it meant to refine and purify silver. The silversmith tells the ladies of how he has to sit in front of the fire with the silver in the hottest part to burn away the impurities. But that he has to take it out at just the right time or it will be destroyed. When asked how he knew when it was fully refined, he says "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it." God did not throw us in the fire. He is holding tightly to us and making sure that we are not destroyed and that we come out on the other side of this better than when we went in - seeing His image in us.


Peace to all who read...