...and we will see if it is in line with the Lord's Will.
On Thursday, Steve got in his car and drove across town to Randolph AFB and turned in his ROTC package. The "campaigning" is now over. Unless someone farther up the process gets involved. I have prayed about this for weeks now. We discussed our top 5 schools (have to rank them in your package) and we were pretty together on them. The final choice was: 1. UN Lincoln, 2. Auburn, 3. VSU, 4. UK Lexington & 5. Samford Univ. Our first choice was purely selfish: Love the Nebraska and want to get back there how ever we can. The next 4 choices were all "close to family." We could hear something as soon as Halloween or as late at March! The big schools go fast...it's the smaller schools that become harder to fill. Not sure what we will do if he is offered a school that was not on our list and not in an area where we want to go.
Then on Friday, AFTER he turned in his ROTC package, Steve's old boss from USSTRATCOM called and left him a message. He was wondering what Steve's "plans" were for next summer.. ugh!!!! So the prayers continue 10 fold! We want to be where the Lord wants us! Really! But the thought of going back to Omaha... I smile just thinking about it. Our friends, our church, my ladies Bible studies, the snow and the Huskers! We were in a similar situation several years ago. Steve got a call while at ACSC to be a DO. Cool! Awesome! Just what he wanted... but this job was a remote to Thule AB, Greenland. Not we had planned. And then he gets another call from the same guy telling us that another guy is also being considered for this job, so if it falls through for Steve, they have a deputy job back at Peterson AFB they will offer him. Gee...let me think about this... hmmm...a remote to Thule Greenland for a year or going back to Peterson AFB (WHERE I WANTED TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!)???? I cried and cried over this. But I finally, through the tears, realized that to be anywhere that was NOT God's plan was wrong. And to go back to Colorado when it was not in His will would make for a rough assignment. So, I told Steve that I would go (or stay as luck would have it) where the Lord wanted us. And so he went to Thule Greenland for a year, without us.
Again, I feel like we are at that same crossroad. ROTC would be really cool - if it's where we want to be (read: location). But a possible sure thing back to Omaha, whether or not it would be good for his career, makes me long for my NE "home." I don't necessarily feel like this is God testing me, but I think He would like to see my heart in the right place on this. What is motivating us? What is truly important right now? Is is Steve's career? Is it the thought of fullfilling a dream that Steve has always had? Are we trying to put our kids first and look at finally giving them so roots? Ultimately it has to be about pleasing God in all we say and do.
So now we pray for clarity. And wisdom. And selflessness. And wholeness. His ways are higher and grander than any thing we can ever imagine. And we must remember that in ALL things. It was not too long ago (January of 2008) that we felt coming to Lackland was a consulation prize, a "thanks for playing." Little did we know it was the grand prize! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
Peace (and clarity) to all who read...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Some real enlightenment - for me, anyway...
Many times I have wanted to post to my Facebook: Lonnie Orphan Gibson wishes things were different. For a variety of things, really. Not just for the better, just different. And then God shows up and shows me "different." And then I again become grateful for what I have and not for I wish I had.
We experienced that today. I/we have battled with decisions on how to treat our son's ADHD - Do we medicate him more? Do we medicate him less? Medicate him at all? Allow the school to "classify" him as such, thereby giving him some special help... Today I saw a family that is dealing with more than any 10 families together should ever have to deal with. God showed us what "different" looked like through the eyes of another parent. When we got home today, both Steve & I were speechless. How could we ever deal with all the pain and challenges this family has to deal with? And there is more to the challanges than just the child. This family is swallowed up in medical and "other" struggles. But I did not see this as God saying "See how bad you could have it???" Because I don't think God deals with us in those terms. I think He said to me,"Lonnie, this is what different could be."
Back when Steve was sick, I wanted it to be different. But if it had been different, I might have missed my "slow dance" with God. You know the one... where the spot light is on you. You are the only two out there on the dance floor and He holds you close like you were the only person in the world. He leads and you are swept off your feet...you feel like your floating. Gee, when you put it like that, who in their right mind would pass that up??? "Uh, no thanks, God. I need to go to Wal-mart." But God did not ask me if I wanted my husband to have cancer...He asked me if I wanted to dance. And we did.
As I look at the news and watch all that is happening, I wish things were different. I hate all the political ugliness. It comes from both sides. No one is immune to it. Democrat, Republican, white, black, old, young, men , women. But because of all this ugliness, I firmly believe that more people are on their knees for America than ever before. Why does it always take a crisis??? This week the Lord spoke to me about this in 1 Peter 2: 13-17: Make the Master proud of you by being good citizens. Respect the authorities, whatever their level; they are God's emissaries for keeping order. It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government. Who says the Bible isn't relevent??? Or timely??
Peace (& slow dancing) to all who read...
We experienced that today. I/we have battled with decisions on how to treat our son's ADHD - Do we medicate him more? Do we medicate him less? Medicate him at all? Allow the school to "classify" him as such, thereby giving him some special help... Today I saw a family that is dealing with more than any 10 families together should ever have to deal with. God showed us what "different" looked like through the eyes of another parent. When we got home today, both Steve & I were speechless. How could we ever deal with all the pain and challenges this family has to deal with? And there is more to the challanges than just the child. This family is swallowed up in medical and "other" struggles. But I did not see this as God saying "See how bad you could have it???" Because I don't think God deals with us in those terms. I think He said to me,"Lonnie, this is what different could be."
Back when Steve was sick, I wanted it to be different. But if it had been different, I might have missed my "slow dance" with God. You know the one... where the spot light is on you. You are the only two out there on the dance floor and He holds you close like you were the only person in the world. He leads and you are swept off your feet...you feel like your floating. Gee, when you put it like that, who in their right mind would pass that up??? "Uh, no thanks, God. I need to go to Wal-mart." But God did not ask me if I wanted my husband to have cancer...He asked me if I wanted to dance. And we did.
As I look at the news and watch all that is happening, I wish things were different. I hate all the political ugliness. It comes from both sides. No one is immune to it. Democrat, Republican, white, black, old, young, men , women. But because of all this ugliness, I firmly believe that more people are on their knees for America than ever before. Why does it always take a crisis??? This week the Lord spoke to me about this in 1 Peter 2: 13-17: Make the Master proud of you by being good citizens. Respect the authorities, whatever their level; they are God's emissaries for keeping order. It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government. Who says the Bible isn't relevent??? Or timely??
Peace (& slow dancing) to all who read...
Monday, August 10, 2009
Gee...times flies when you are being Super Mom...
Not!
Time flies when the kids are out for summer and you want to make the most of your summer vacation. Isn't that what being a stay-at-home mom is about? Doesn't one choose this life so that they can make memories with their children? Keep them safe and be there to help them make better choices? At least that is what the surveys tell us. But I know some stay home because financially it makes more sense. Some folks make just enough to cover the child care costs and put a wee bit back in their pockets. It's those folks that have decisions to make. Is the extra cash worth it...
The kids and I have had a blast this summer! Six Flags, SeaWorld, the movies, the swimming pool... And I am exhausted! I thank God every morning that I have this chance. I have awesome children and we have so much fun together. The 4 of us could ride down the SeaWorld's Lazy River (and the Six Flags equivalent) all day just hanging on to each other's tubes and relaxing. How many other folks can say that they feel the closest to God at an amusement park???
I didn't mean for my blogging to go by the wayside.... In fact, I thought about it often. But I guess this gives those folks who were just reading and looking at the train wreck (i.e. Steve's cancer - he's fine now, thanks!) a chance to move on. And it you have had the patience to wait out my sabbatical and are still with me, I hope that you will hold me accountable for my thoughts and prayers.
My quiet time has not been the best this summer. I allowed my "busy" schedule with the kids get in the way. And the fact that have not been involved in a bible study this summer. But then my pastor preached on having a Twitter relationship with God and our lack of spending quality time with the one person many say is THE most important person in our lives. So, I started getting back up around 6am, fixed my coffee and sat in my chair with my Bible and started reading random books in the New Testament. The little ones - 1st & 2nd Thess., Philippians and the like. I am now on James. I joked in my SS class that I felt like I was going thru someone's mail! And dear Ms Lana said, "Exactly!" :-) These books have really spoken to me.
Especially now. Steve & I are at a crossroads. A career one... And we are both pretty much on the same page, but are we together on the RIGHT page. We both feel that our time on the road is coming to a close. Our kids are older and what we do now really affects them socially and even more importantly, scholastically. If we follow the AF we will be in and around the DC area next year. If the kids were younger, I think we would be okay with it. But neither of us has EVER wished to live there and after chatting with a number of folks that have "escaped" the area, I am even more convinced that it is not what our family needs. Right now, we are really being pulled to go back to Omaha - for many reasons, really. We also feel a pull back to Colorado Springs. Both assignments would have us going back to churches we loved, friends we loved, and the reality of a retirement job there. Omaha has one thing that C-Springs doesn't - closer proximity to family. But to go back to Omaha may be the nail in Steve's military coffin. Colorado Springs would keep that alive a while longer. My prayer for the last several weeks has been for God's will. Really. But my second prayer has been the desire of my heart - to settle down and put down roots...to retire. And my third prayer has been for it to be in Omaha. In that order.
And yesterday God gave my some scripture that has helped tremendously.
Matthew 6:34 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." The Message He has used the Message translation many times to speak to me.
Steve is currently submitting a package to apply to be an AF ROTC Commander at a college. One of the colleges that should be available next summer is Univ. Of NE at Omaha. So many things and people that will be important in this process are people or things from Steve's past. He has so many connections to the process. It all looked too good to be true. And I prayed for clarity in all of this. Everyday there was something new... Just a few examples - Steve's former Group Commander has some type of leadership role in the ROTC selection process. The UNO det. mascot is the Wolfpack! Just like his current squadron. He knows the current commander of this ROTC det. To be selected as an ROTC commander there is some 'campaigning' to be done. And Steve has some wonderful people in his corner, so it has been hard not to get our hopes up. But then... Steve called the squadron to talk to the current commander - he was on leave. But his second in command mentioned something about the current commander extending his command by a year. Not good.
This is why the above mentioned scripture has become so important to me. I am so worried and worked up over all this when I can attest to personally witnessing God making changes for our good. I guess I just needed a reminder. Thanks for your reminder (and your patience with me), God.
Peace to all who read...
Time flies when the kids are out for summer and you want to make the most of your summer vacation. Isn't that what being a stay-at-home mom is about? Doesn't one choose this life so that they can make memories with their children? Keep them safe and be there to help them make better choices? At least that is what the surveys tell us. But I know some stay home because financially it makes more sense. Some folks make just enough to cover the child care costs and put a wee bit back in their pockets. It's those folks that have decisions to make. Is the extra cash worth it...
The kids and I have had a blast this summer! Six Flags, SeaWorld, the movies, the swimming pool... And I am exhausted! I thank God every morning that I have this chance. I have awesome children and we have so much fun together. The 4 of us could ride down the SeaWorld's Lazy River (and the Six Flags equivalent) all day just hanging on to each other's tubes and relaxing. How many other folks can say that they feel the closest to God at an amusement park???
I didn't mean for my blogging to go by the wayside.... In fact, I thought about it often. But I guess this gives those folks who were just reading and looking at the train wreck (i.e. Steve's cancer - he's fine now, thanks!) a chance to move on. And it you have had the patience to wait out my sabbatical and are still with me, I hope that you will hold me accountable for my thoughts and prayers.
My quiet time has not been the best this summer. I allowed my "busy" schedule with the kids get in the way. And the fact that have not been involved in a bible study this summer. But then my pastor preached on having a Twitter relationship with God and our lack of spending quality time with the one person many say is THE most important person in our lives. So, I started getting back up around 6am, fixed my coffee and sat in my chair with my Bible and started reading random books in the New Testament. The little ones - 1st & 2nd Thess., Philippians and the like. I am now on James. I joked in my SS class that I felt like I was going thru someone's mail! And dear Ms Lana said, "Exactly!" :-) These books have really spoken to me.
Especially now. Steve & I are at a crossroads. A career one... And we are both pretty much on the same page, but are we together on the RIGHT page. We both feel that our time on the road is coming to a close. Our kids are older and what we do now really affects them socially and even more importantly, scholastically. If we follow the AF we will be in and around the DC area next year. If the kids were younger, I think we would be okay with it. But neither of us has EVER wished to live there and after chatting with a number of folks that have "escaped" the area, I am even more convinced that it is not what our family needs. Right now, we are really being pulled to go back to Omaha - for many reasons, really. We also feel a pull back to Colorado Springs. Both assignments would have us going back to churches we loved, friends we loved, and the reality of a retirement job there. Omaha has one thing that C-Springs doesn't - closer proximity to family. But to go back to Omaha may be the nail in Steve's military coffin. Colorado Springs would keep that alive a while longer. My prayer for the last several weeks has been for God's will. Really. But my second prayer has been the desire of my heart - to settle down and put down roots...to retire. And my third prayer has been for it to be in Omaha. In that order.
And yesterday God gave my some scripture that has helped tremendously.
Matthew 6:34 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." The Message He has used the Message translation many times to speak to me.
Steve is currently submitting a package to apply to be an AF ROTC Commander at a college. One of the colleges that should be available next summer is Univ. Of NE at Omaha. So many things and people that will be important in this process are people or things from Steve's past. He has so many connections to the process. It all looked too good to be true. And I prayed for clarity in all of this. Everyday there was something new... Just a few examples - Steve's former Group Commander has some type of leadership role in the ROTC selection process. The UNO det. mascot is the Wolfpack! Just like his current squadron. He knows the current commander of this ROTC det. To be selected as an ROTC commander there is some 'campaigning' to be done. And Steve has some wonderful people in his corner, so it has been hard not to get our hopes up. But then... Steve called the squadron to talk to the current commander - he was on leave. But his second in command mentioned something about the current commander extending his command by a year. Not good.
This is why the above mentioned scripture has become so important to me. I am so worried and worked up over all this when I can attest to personally witnessing God making changes for our good. I guess I just needed a reminder. Thanks for your reminder (and your patience with me), God.
Peace to all who read...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I've been to the spiritual taxidermist!
Okay - before I go any further, I need to make sure that I give credit for that analogy to my current pastor David Trawick. When he preached on this on Sunday, at first I had the "deer in the headlights" look (no pun intended). But then, my eyes were opened to the concept. And maybe more so because it was as if he were speaking about me.
I have spent so much time praising God for all the good in our lives - the big and the small. Answered prayer for Steve's healing and close parking spots on a harried day. And I would actively engage God when all seemed lost. And I was struggling to keep my head about water... But I never lost sight of God and His place in my life. It seems the extremes can bring out the best in a Christian. God wants us to come to Him, to cling to Him. The first person that many music artists give credit to on an album or upon receiving an award is God (whether they are a person of faith or not - I guess it's their way of being PC enough to get record sales). And on the opposite side of that joy, most of us run to God when we are scared and hurting. Even those that have had little to do with God or little acknowledgement of His power will find themselves, even briefly asking God for help. Why? There has to be something inside that says just maybe He is who He says He is. If not, they would be crying out to Barack Obama or George Bush or Oprah or Martha Stewart or Billy Graham in prayer. In the dark of their bedroom. On their knees. Okay, how many of you have, in your darkness hour, have fallen to your knees, wept uncontrollably and cried out, "Oh Oprah! Help me! I don't know where to turn! I'm scared!"
So why have I been to the spiritual taxidermist? Because in all the scariness of the cancer, I was on my knees before God. And in all the joys of healing I have danced before God. But in the mundane I am still trying to do it all myself. Inside I am not allowing God to do His work. We are possibly nearing the end of Steve's military career and some choices are going to be made. Instead of praying God's Will in all of this (and you would think that after all that has happened to get us where we are right now, praying God's Will would be a no brainer), I am trying to make the decisions for the rest of our lives. I am ready to "plant flowers and paint walls" (that's my way of saying retirement). But I am not allowing God to work in this equation, knowing full well that any "flowers" He plants are going to be bigger and brighter and more beautiful than any thing I could ever hope to plant. And any "walls" He paints are going to be more spectacularly done and with more ease than I could ever hope for. But yet, there I am doing the work of worrying and manipulating, trying to work it all out the way I want. A while back, I hurt someone and in turn it hurt me terribly. I went to God immediately. And I went again and again - for weeks. Just when I would think that I had completely given to God and He forgave me for my actions, I would pull it back and stare at it and cry all over again. I am still doing it. Even today I have cried over it. And that is keeping me from being the person God would have me to be.
I have a necklace that has become as priceless as any rare jewel to me. It was given to me 2 days before Steve's surgery. It says "Let Go! Let God." It is priceless for a several reasons: 1. The giver took time out her extremely busy schedule to select (not grab off a rack) but carefully select this gift for me. I say that because the store she purchased it in is not a "grab & go" gift/jewelry store. 2. When the purchasing and giving could have been a short and sweet sentiment, she added yet another wonderful God moment - she took it to our pastor to have it prayed over before giving it to me. And it stayed around my neck 24/7 until we got the pathology report back. It was like a 24 hour hug. Oh, I still wear it! Just not 24/7 3. The giver's family has become a real blessing to our family - a ray of sunshine in our time in San Antonio. And 4. The message: Let Go! Let God. That is so very hard. To show my "spiritual taxidermist" side I say that I am "meditating" on it. But in all reality I am holding on to it. Not "Letting go and letting God." It's my crisis or my hurt or my problem! If I let go then I am not taking responsibility for any of it. Holding on shows that I am taking ownership of it. To let it go means I don't care. With all the "letting go" and "holding on" I have done lately, I should have awesome upper body strength and toned triceps. Uh, not so much.
On the outside, I "look" like a Christian. I dress like a Christian. I listen to Christian music. I read books like a Christian (my bible, Beth Moore and many Guidepost Series). But on the inside I am just a mold or a form to hold up the outside. Whether its plastic, stuffing or marshmallow fluff , I am (at times) filled with stuff that just holds my outsides together. And on that day that we stand before the Lord, we will shed our "outsides" and only our insides will be on display for all to see. Not sure I am up for that yet. I am certainly a work in progress...
Peace to all who read...
I have spent so much time praising God for all the good in our lives - the big and the small. Answered prayer for Steve's healing and close parking spots on a harried day. And I would actively engage God when all seemed lost. And I was struggling to keep my head about water... But I never lost sight of God and His place in my life. It seems the extremes can bring out the best in a Christian. God wants us to come to Him, to cling to Him. The first person that many music artists give credit to on an album or upon receiving an award is God (whether they are a person of faith or not - I guess it's their way of being PC enough to get record sales). And on the opposite side of that joy, most of us run to God when we are scared and hurting. Even those that have had little to do with God or little acknowledgement of His power will find themselves, even briefly asking God for help. Why? There has to be something inside that says just maybe He is who He says He is. If not, they would be crying out to Barack Obama or George Bush or Oprah or Martha Stewart or Billy Graham in prayer. In the dark of their bedroom. On their knees. Okay, how many of you have, in your darkness hour, have fallen to your knees, wept uncontrollably and cried out, "Oh Oprah! Help me! I don't know where to turn! I'm scared!"
So why have I been to the spiritual taxidermist? Because in all the scariness of the cancer, I was on my knees before God. And in all the joys of healing I have danced before God. But in the mundane I am still trying to do it all myself. Inside I am not allowing God to do His work. We are possibly nearing the end of Steve's military career and some choices are going to be made. Instead of praying God's Will in all of this (and you would think that after all that has happened to get us where we are right now, praying God's Will would be a no brainer), I am trying to make the decisions for the rest of our lives. I am ready to "plant flowers and paint walls" (that's my way of saying retirement). But I am not allowing God to work in this equation, knowing full well that any "flowers" He plants are going to be bigger and brighter and more beautiful than any thing I could ever hope to plant. And any "walls" He paints are going to be more spectacularly done and with more ease than I could ever hope for. But yet, there I am doing the work of worrying and manipulating, trying to work it all out the way I want. A while back, I hurt someone and in turn it hurt me terribly. I went to God immediately. And I went again and again - for weeks. Just when I would think that I had completely given to God and He forgave me for my actions, I would pull it back and stare at it and cry all over again. I am still doing it. Even today I have cried over it. And that is keeping me from being the person God would have me to be.
I have a necklace that has become as priceless as any rare jewel to me. It was given to me 2 days before Steve's surgery. It says "Let Go! Let God." It is priceless for a several reasons: 1. The giver took time out her extremely busy schedule to select (not grab off a rack) but carefully select this gift for me. I say that because the store she purchased it in is not a "grab & go" gift/jewelry store. 2. When the purchasing and giving could have been a short and sweet sentiment, she added yet another wonderful God moment - she took it to our pastor to have it prayed over before giving it to me. And it stayed around my neck 24/7 until we got the pathology report back. It was like a 24 hour hug. Oh, I still wear it! Just not 24/7 3. The giver's family has become a real blessing to our family - a ray of sunshine in our time in San Antonio. And 4. The message: Let Go! Let God. That is so very hard. To show my "spiritual taxidermist" side I say that I am "meditating" on it. But in all reality I am holding on to it. Not "Letting go and letting God." It's my crisis or my hurt or my problem! If I let go then I am not taking responsibility for any of it. Holding on shows that I am taking ownership of it. To let it go means I don't care. With all the "letting go" and "holding on" I have done lately, I should have awesome upper body strength and toned triceps. Uh, not so much.
On the outside, I "look" like a Christian. I dress like a Christian. I listen to Christian music. I read books like a Christian (my bible, Beth Moore and many Guidepost Series). But on the inside I am just a mold or a form to hold up the outside. Whether its plastic, stuffing or marshmallow fluff , I am (at times) filled with stuff that just holds my outsides together. And on that day that we stand before the Lord, we will shed our "outsides" and only our insides will be on display for all to see. Not sure I am up for that yet. I am certainly a work in progress...
Peace to all who read...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
My cousins are great role models!!!
I look back over so many of my posts and I see "whining" written all over them. And if I knew I was whining early enough, I posted a "whining alert!" Whining is somewhat scriptural, isn't? Isn't that a little of what Lamentations is? In fact, in the LRE (Lonnie Revised Edition) there is actually an Ecclesiastes 3:8a: "...a time to whine and a time to get over it." For me whining is a way of crying out to God. He wants us to cry out. But He also (I think) wants us to get it out of our system and move on. He might have given us the gift of whining but He does NOT cater Pity Parties.
Okay, so what does the title have to do with whining? I have a cousin (and her hubby) that are currently on a path that they did not foresee. But their mindsets and attitudes amaze me! My cousin's husband lost his job. And if they had not shared that information you would never know. They live a life of gratitude. I know they are not perfect, and I am sure if you asked them, they would point out many of their flawed attempts at gratitude. But to see their facebook posts and to read their encouraging e-mails to us, you would never know. To hear that in his free time he is spending more time at the church and taking care of their son. Going on field trips and volunteering. Doesn't sound like whining or "woe is me" to me... This is so much like Beth Moore's "Okay what next?" moment, that I mentioned in my last post. God says, "You lost your job, what next? Okay, you made some very sound financial decisions to prepare for the coming months, what next? You are spending more of your free time serving Me and your family, what next? You have had a burden of unhappiness taken off your shoulders, what next?" I think that is why God had everything move so quickly for us. If had had time to really sit and think about all that was happening, I could have written my own book of Lamentations.
There are so many things about my life that I wish were different, but dwelling on them doesn't make it better. And I don't think that "wishing things were different" is inherently wrong, because you would not be moved to change if you were completely happy and satisfied in an unhealthy environment. But God wants me to be thankful IN all things not FOR all things.
I was NOT thankful FOR the cancer, but I AM thankful for friends IN the midst of it all.
I am NOT thankful FOR church politics (nothing in particular about any specific church), but I AM thankful to be IN a wonderful healing Sunday School class and past small group.
I am NOT thankful for the crime that takes place all around in San Antonio, but I AM thankful to be IN a wonderful neighborhood with such caring neighbors.
I am NOT thankful FOR the pulling up of roots every time this military family moves, but I AM thankful to be IN the military because of all the friends (who are now family) that we would not have in our lives otherwise.
I am NOT thankful FOR the buckets of $$ to fix our washer (could have bought new- but this whole cancer thing was front and center at the time and we needed a washer immediately), but I AM thankful that we had the money IN the bank to take care of it.
I was NOT thankful FOR the stress that is brought on by a family emergency and having more people under roof than usual, but I was thankful IN the commissary that I was able to go and be with my friends (my coupons and bargains), recharge my battery and lovingly take care of my wonderful extended family.
I am NOT thankful FOR having to watch every dime we spend, but I am thankful for being IN tune to all of our finances thereby allowing me to stay at home and spend more time with my family.
I am NOT thankful FOR being so far away from my family, but I AM thankful for being IN the most wonderful family that makes me want to be there for every little event (all your facebook posts make me miss you even more!)
My goal? To look at every negative and find the positive. You can't have one without the other...
Peace (and gratitude) to all who read...
Okay, so what does the title have to do with whining? I have a cousin (and her hubby) that are currently on a path that they did not foresee. But their mindsets and attitudes amaze me! My cousin's husband lost his job. And if they had not shared that information you would never know. They live a life of gratitude. I know they are not perfect, and I am sure if you asked them, they would point out many of their flawed attempts at gratitude. But to see their facebook posts and to read their encouraging e-mails to us, you would never know. To hear that in his free time he is spending more time at the church and taking care of their son. Going on field trips and volunteering. Doesn't sound like whining or "woe is me" to me... This is so much like Beth Moore's "Okay what next?" moment, that I mentioned in my last post. God says, "You lost your job, what next? Okay, you made some very sound financial decisions to prepare for the coming months, what next? You are spending more of your free time serving Me and your family, what next? You have had a burden of unhappiness taken off your shoulders, what next?" I think that is why God had everything move so quickly for us. If had had time to really sit and think about all that was happening, I could have written my own book of Lamentations.
There are so many things about my life that I wish were different, but dwelling on them doesn't make it better. And I don't think that "wishing things were different" is inherently wrong, because you would not be moved to change if you were completely happy and satisfied in an unhealthy environment. But God wants me to be thankful IN all things not FOR all things.
I was NOT thankful FOR the cancer, but I AM thankful for friends IN the midst of it all.
I am NOT thankful FOR church politics (nothing in particular about any specific church), but I AM thankful to be IN a wonderful healing Sunday School class and past small group.
I am NOT thankful for the crime that takes place all around in San Antonio, but I AM thankful to be IN a wonderful neighborhood with such caring neighbors.
I am NOT thankful FOR the pulling up of roots every time this military family moves, but I AM thankful to be IN the military because of all the friends (who are now family) that we would not have in our lives otherwise.
I am NOT thankful FOR the buckets of $$ to fix our washer (could have bought new- but this whole cancer thing was front and center at the time and we needed a washer immediately), but I AM thankful that we had the money IN the bank to take care of it.
I was NOT thankful FOR the stress that is brought on by a family emergency and having more people under roof than usual, but I was thankful IN the commissary that I was able to go and be with my friends (my coupons and bargains), recharge my battery and lovingly take care of my wonderful extended family.
I am NOT thankful FOR having to watch every dime we spend, but I am thankful for being IN tune to all of our finances thereby allowing me to stay at home and spend more time with my family.
I am NOT thankful FOR being so far away from my family, but I AM thankful for being IN the most wonderful family that makes me want to be there for every little event (all your facebook posts make me miss you even more!)
My goal? To look at every negative and find the positive. You can't have one without the other...
Peace (and gratitude) to all who read...
Monday, May 11, 2009
Why???
Above is the picture of a miracle. This is Steve leading his graduating flights in the weekly Airman's Run. This was April 30th - one day shy of 7 weeks away from his cancer surgery. I don't think I have been more proud of him, than I was at that moment. And then to have other commanders and staff run by and shout with a big grin, "He's running with us!" I must admit that eyes were sweating a little during that...must have been then heat. :-)I don't want to beat the "miracle" aspect of this into the ground, but I am reminded daily that the outcomes are not always as happy as ours is right now. And I do know that our outcome can change any time. God is in control.
Today was one of those days when I was reminded of how cancer can devastate. When all this began with us, a CMSgt and his wife took it upon themselves to make sure that our meal needs at the house were taken care of while Steve was hospitalized. Our situation became very personal to them - the Chief had also been diagnosed with the very same cancer that Steve has/had. His prognosis was not as good, but currently God is choosing a path of healing for him. They had volunteers from all over. One of the volunteers was a MSgt & his wife who had been touched by cancer as well - the wife had been diagnosed a while back but was recovering. Well, the MSgt stopped by Steve's office today because he knew that Steve would want to know - her cancer was back and it was in her liver. There is nothing they can do. On Friday they have another appointment, hopefully they will get some sort of time line.
Why? Why does God heal some and not others? Will God stop Steve's cancer from coming back? If not, why? If so, why doesn't He do that for others? Why does there have to be cancer anyway? None of these questions really need answers. I recently read somewhere that many of the diseases and illnesses we suffer from are not created by God, but are the result of us taking His perfect world (Garden of Eden) and making it imperfect. And those imperfections are unhealthy and there for we are paying the price. Why can't He just wave His hand and make it all better? Cancer is never pleasant. Even in the smallest cancers and easiest of recoveries there are tears and pain. Steve's cancer was as brief as it could be - but we were still terrified. He still hurt tremendously after surgery. And we will still look over our shoulder for the rest of our lives. so, for this family on base that is beginning a very painful process, I pray for peace. For comfort. Does knowing you have a limited time left on earth make the pain less because you know the end is in sight? Or does it seem more intense because it is all you know and it's the final hurdle you have before ultimate healing? When Steve called to tell me about this family, I stopped and prayed for peace. But I also prayed for comfort, for them to be able to spend these last weeks or months together in the most comfortable way possible without the help of pharmaceuticals to cloud their memories.
I am still trying to get back into the swing of things. I think Steve has had an easier time transitioning than I have. Today, I tackled the office. There were stacks and stacks of papers that have need to be filed for the last 2 months. Well, I finally sat down and started through it. And again I was reminded of where we have been. I found the referral to pulmanology when all this got started. I found pre-op paperwork. I found post-op paperwork. And I found the card for 2 North Surgical Intensive Care Unit. It has the numbers I called at night when I got home from the hospital to let Steve's nurse know that I had gotten home safely. And the number I called 1st thing in the morning to find out how his night went (since his night nurse would be gone by the time I got there in the morning). It was wrinkled from being pressed in my sweaty palms for days. It was my connection to Steve when I could not be by his side during the worst of it.
I am thankful for these moments. I don't want to ever forget where we were. Or who got us through it. During one of the later sessions of Beth Moore's Esther study, she talked about being in place where she felt like it was a bad as it could get. She cried out to God and He said to her, "Okay, so then what...?" Meaning - say the worst possible scenario comes true...then what? She talked about how she would slowly put her life back together and God kept saying to her,"Okay, then what?" Never once did she mention God not being a part of her life. Never once did she mention that life would end for her (although it might feel like it). She would take small steps and God would be with her. Many of the questions that were asked during this study asked things that had you focus on "the worst possible scenario." And of course my worst possible scenario is life without Steve. Now, it's important to note here that I purposely did not see Life without God a possible answer here. Not that my faith is that amazing or anything, but I can honestly say that I never questioned God presence or lack of presence during all of this. I cried out to him from the very beginning. I got angry with Him. But I never doubted His love for me. I just thought He has a strange way of showing it. But God showed up in the most unlikely of ways and the most unusual places (see my God sightings if you question any of this) immediately! Please don't misunderstand - if the cancer comes back and God does not intervene in some earthly way (healing him again or allowing the second coming), I will be devastated! I will be angry. But when I am done, God will still be there. Ready to help me pick up the pieces and continue the life that He has planned for me. I am not planing my husband's funeral here... just the opposite. I can't imagine life with out him! But it is so easy to give God the praise and the glory when we receive healing. And it is so easy to go to God on behalf of others when you feel like your had your prayers answered and theirs are not. Our God is a great and wonderful God. And He does not want to see His children suffer. And knowing that gives me some peace because our family had their prayers answered the way we wanted them. I pray now that I am able to come before God with an attitude of gratitude. And that I am able to pray for others who suffer. That my prayers for them not be "thankful for our situation" but focused entirely on their situation and their suffering. Prayers for the same mercy He showed us.
I'm still tired. Don't know when that will change. I think maybe I'm just ready to retire. Another situation that is beyond my control... healing, Steve's military career... Will somebody wake me up when it's time to move??? :-)
Peace to all who read...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Okay, what now?
This last 8 weeks seem like some kind of weird dream (and at times a nightmare). But when I look at Steve, I wonder, "What just happened?" Does he/did he really have cancer? I look at out lives right now, in this very moment and it seems like everything is like it was back in...let's say...October, I guess. None of this was even close to being on the radar. We happily motored along, doing what was expected of us: Kids went to school, I did my stay-at-home mom things and Steve commanded a squadron. To look at us right now, you would once again see just that. And in fact, there are some folks that still don't know. Not because we kept it a secret, but because we told as many as we could, but moved on to the recovery portion as soon as we could. I will mention the cancer in passing (thinking that they know) and I will get the oddest looks. I then realize and say something like, "Oh, didn't you know that Steve briefly had cancer?" And then I get even odder looks. I love it!
But what now? As scared as I was for so long, I never felt closer to God than I did during all of that. I felt His presence in EVERYTHING! And I know He is still in EVERYTHING for me, but I just don't see it as well now. You know how the moon is always out. And if you look really hard in the morning sky, you might be able to see it? Just a small white circle or crescent that is barely visible in the day light. But at night...wow! In the dark, the moon lights up the whole sky! And if you really want a good view of all the Heavenlies, you drive out away from town, away from all the city lights so that everything in the night sky becomes clearer? That's where I am right now. When it was the darkest it could possibly be, God lit up my world! You couldn't miss Him. But now that my world is not so dark, He seems to be harder and harder to see with the naked eye. But that is not His problem, it's mine. I am not looking hard enough right now. At the bottom of my "cancer hole" that only way to look was up. I couldn't miss Him. But now that I am back on flat ground, there are so many things around me to take my eyes off Him . So many different directions. So many things that are begging for my attention. I never want to be in that hole again, but I also don't want to lose that blessed tunnel vision I required to get out of that hole.
Steve is doing fabulous. Hopefully he will run with the soon-to-be graduating Airman this week. He has done some exercising in the last few weeks, but running has hurt a little, so he has not pushed himself as much as he could in that area. We don't go back to the doc again until June. He will have a base-line CT scan around the 13th of June and then we will see the doc sometime just after that. He will be followed every 3 months for the first 2-3 years and then every 6 months until he hits the 5 year mark. Then every year. Wow...did all this really happen? Steve got the opportunity to write a letter to someone going through the same thing. Our SS teacher is a part of a Christian fellowship that gathers and prays at work. Well, one of the worker's non-smoking mother-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Chris asked Steve if he could write her a note of encouragement. And he did - last night. What started out as a card became a several page letter. How can you some up what you went through in just a few words on the inside of a Get Well card? You can't, not really.
I think this week everything starts new. Steve is back at work. Fiesta is behind us. And my wonderful wonderful Esther Bible study draws to close. What happens next is up to me. God is not moving away. He will be right where He has always been. Do I make Him my life preserver and have Him snugly strapped to me all the time? Or do I wait to fall out of the boat and reach for Him to keep from drowning? The choice is up to me.
Peace (and tunnel vision) to all who read...
But what now? As scared as I was for so long, I never felt closer to God than I did during all of that. I felt His presence in EVERYTHING! And I know He is still in EVERYTHING for me, but I just don't see it as well now. You know how the moon is always out. And if you look really hard in the morning sky, you might be able to see it? Just a small white circle or crescent that is barely visible in the day light. But at night...wow! In the dark, the moon lights up the whole sky! And if you really want a good view of all the Heavenlies, you drive out away from town, away from all the city lights so that everything in the night sky becomes clearer? That's where I am right now. When it was the darkest it could possibly be, God lit up my world! You couldn't miss Him. But now that my world is not so dark, He seems to be harder and harder to see with the naked eye. But that is not His problem, it's mine. I am not looking hard enough right now. At the bottom of my "cancer hole" that only way to look was up. I couldn't miss Him. But now that I am back on flat ground, there are so many things around me to take my eyes off Him . So many different directions. So many things that are begging for my attention. I never want to be in that hole again, but I also don't want to lose that blessed tunnel vision I required to get out of that hole.
Steve is doing fabulous. Hopefully he will run with the soon-to-be graduating Airman this week. He has done some exercising in the last few weeks, but running has hurt a little, so he has not pushed himself as much as he could in that area. We don't go back to the doc again until June. He will have a base-line CT scan around the 13th of June and then we will see the doc sometime just after that. He will be followed every 3 months for the first 2-3 years and then every 6 months until he hits the 5 year mark. Then every year. Wow...did all this really happen? Steve got the opportunity to write a letter to someone going through the same thing. Our SS teacher is a part of a Christian fellowship that gathers and prays at work. Well, one of the worker's non-smoking mother-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Chris asked Steve if he could write her a note of encouragement. And he did - last night. What started out as a card became a several page letter. How can you some up what you went through in just a few words on the inside of a Get Well card? You can't, not really.
I think this week everything starts new. Steve is back at work. Fiesta is behind us. And my wonderful wonderful Esther Bible study draws to close. What happens next is up to me. God is not moving away. He will be right where He has always been. Do I make Him my life preserver and have Him snugly strapped to me all the time? Or do I wait to fall out of the boat and reach for Him to keep from drowning? The choice is up to me.
Peace (and tunnel vision) to all who read...
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