Okay, what now?

This last 8 weeks seem like some kind of weird dream (and at times a nightmare). But when I look at Steve, I wonder, "What just happened?" Does he/did he really have cancer? I look at out lives right now, in this very moment and it seems like everything is like it was back in...let's say...October, I guess. None of this was even close to being on the radar. We happily motored along, doing what was expected of us: Kids went to school, I did my stay-at-home mom things and Steve commanded a squadron. To look at us right now, you would once again see just that. And in fact, there are some folks that still don't know. Not because we kept it a secret, but because we told as many as we could, but moved on to the recovery portion as soon as we could. I will mention the cancer in passing (thinking that they know) and I will get the oddest looks. I then realize and say something like, "Oh, didn't you know that Steve briefly had cancer?" And then I get even odder looks. I love it!

But what now? As scared as I was for so long, I never felt closer to God than I did during all of that. I felt His presence in EVERYTHING! And I know He is still in EVERYTHING for me, but I just don't see it as well now. You know how the moon is always out. And if you look really hard in the morning sky, you might be able to see it? Just a small white circle or crescent that is barely visible in the day light. But at night...wow! In the dark, the moon lights up the whole sky! And if you really want a good view of all the Heavenlies, you drive out away from town, away from all the city lights so that everything in the night sky becomes clearer? That's where I am right now. When it was the darkest it could possibly be, God lit up my world! You couldn't miss Him. But now that my world is not so dark, He seems to be harder and harder to see with the naked eye. But that is not His problem, it's mine. I am not looking hard enough right now. At the bottom of my "cancer hole" that only way to look was up. I couldn't miss Him. But now that I am back on flat ground, there are so many things around me to take my eyes off Him . So many different directions. So many things that are begging for my attention. I never want to be in that hole again, but I also don't want to lose that blessed tunnel vision I required to get out of that hole.

Steve is doing fabulous. Hopefully he will run with the soon-to-be graduating Airman this week. He has done some exercising in the last few weeks, but running has hurt a little, so he has not pushed himself as much as he could in that area. We don't go back to the doc again until June. He will have a base-line CT scan around the 13th of June and then we will see the doc sometime just after that. He will be followed every 3 months for the first 2-3 years and then every 6 months until he hits the 5 year mark. Then every year. Wow...did all this really happen? Steve got the opportunity to write a letter to someone going through the same thing. Our SS teacher is a part of a Christian fellowship that gathers and prays at work. Well, one of the worker's non-smoking mother-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Chris asked Steve if he could write her a note of encouragement. And he did - last night. What started out as a card became a several page letter. How can you some up what you went through in just a few words on the inside of a Get Well card? You can't, not really.

I think this week everything starts new. Steve is back at work. Fiesta is behind us. And my wonderful wonderful Esther Bible study draws to close. What happens next is up to me. God is not moving away. He will be right where He has always been. Do I make Him my life preserver and have Him snugly strapped to me all the time? Or do I wait to fall out of the boat and reach for Him to keep from drowning? The choice is up to me.

Peace (and tunnel vision) to all who read...

Picture of health!

Here are a few pictures of hubby! Since I can't seem to figure out how to label them individually, I will just tell you about each of them here:

1. 1 week and 1 day post-op: Pinewood Derby, his goal to getting out of the hospital.

2. Less than 2 weeks post-op: NCO Academy Graduation Dinner - one of his MTIs was graduating and he took it easy all day to make sure that he could be there!

3. About 5 weeks post-op: 2nd day back at work - He looks great!

The longer you wait, the harder it is to post...

Sorry for the sabbatical. Not my intent. But my "creature of extreme habit" personality got the best of me. I LOVE routine! And about 6-7 weeks ago my days went something like this: Get up around 5:30am, read the paper & have my coffee, start waking up kids at 6, have everyone gone by 8 and have the house to myself. I then would spend about an hour with God doing a number of things: praying, reading scripture, doing my bible study or blogging. And yes, blogging is a form of prayer and conversation with God for me. But all of that can only happen when I am alone. I am not able to whip out my bible study or bible and in the middle of a crowd. Having full length conversations with God at a Burger King, just ain't happening. No embarrassment or anything like that. And I am not shy about my faith, but my time alone with God is very private - I don't like to do it in front of anyone. I don't like to discuss things of a Spiritual nature as they are happening (usually) because my mind takes time to process this stuff. I am a slow learner. And I don't want anyone else's ideas or thoughts (at that time) to influence what I think God is telling ME. And I am oh so easily influenced. Now, give me some time to sit and think, and I can chat all day about what God is doing in my life. That's why I love to blog (when I do it :-) ). Most of you have no idea how long it takes me to write an entry. Two paragraphs can take over an hour some times, because I stop, read what I wrote, read it again, think about it, ask God if I'm an idiot and then erase the whole thing and start over. And some days, I just type away as God is talking to me. Right now, I am at about 45 minutes for this little dissertation... all that to say:

Steve started back to work yesterday! My routine is back! And I am loving it. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have Steve home all the time. I would just have to revamp my routine, but I would love it. It feels so good to have my time alone with God again.

Steve is doing fantastic! To look at him, you would never think that he recently had a large portion of his lung removed. Okay, it was only a 1/3 of his lung, but I think ANY removal of any part of a major organ is large.

Well, I am cutting this short today as I am headed out to a Holocaust Remembrance Luncheon at the base. Steve's Group Commander is the speaker. He (I think) has his doctorate in German history - should be VERY interesting!

Peace to all who read...

Our first follow up and more God sightings!

Yesterday we had our first follow with the surgeon. He was very pleased with Steve's progress and told him that he was allowed to do as much cardio as he could handle - but he was still restricted in the lifting department and still no driving. The muscles that were cut to remove the diseased portion of his lung take quite a while to heal. The doc let us look at the chest x-ray they took yesterday and he compared it to the chest x-ray the day before surgery. The remaining portions of his lung are already growing and filling the void left by the surgery. We go back to the surgeon in 2 weeks. Then begins the forever regimen - Every 3 months for the first 2 years, every 6 months for the next 3 and then once every year... And on Thursday we have our first (and maybe our only) visit with the oncologist. The typical course of treatment for the stage of Steve's cancer is surgery and nothing else. Although Steve has said that if they give him the option, he will take the chemo as a preventative measure. We got a copy of the path report that explains why chemo may not be an option - the mass was only 2.1 centimeters instead of the original measurement of over 3! They really could not have caught this any earlier! It was such a positive visit.
I wish everyone to this hospital could have a positive visit. Our time of uncertainty and fear may be coming to an end, but for so many of the young men and women we see at BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center), theirs just continues. As we are celebrating a great report, many of these young people are hoping that they can ease back into society with prosthetic limbs, skin grafts that cover most of their bodies and mental anguish that may never go away. And yet some, with prosthetics are trying to figure out how to get back to the desert to do what they were trained to do. It makes this whole cancer thing feel very trivial. Sure puts things in perspective for me...
I mentioned more "God sightings..." God looks like a mother/mother-in-law that showed up the day after we scheduled surgery and took care of her grandchildren like nobody's business. God looks like a brother/brother-in-law that showed up a week ago and has fixed EVERY broken thing in our house and done more yard work than we have done since we have been here. He was also joined by above mentioned mother in replanting and repairing all of our flower beds! The neighbors have been by to complain that we were making their yards look bad. And God also looks like those same neighbors that rang our doorbell yesterday evening to tell us that the 20 or so bags of yard waste would not be picked up by the trash collector. So they began to rally all the surrounding neighbors and their trash cans and began filling them up with our yard waste. How cool it was to see them walking door to door and calling those they had numbers for to enlist their help. God looked down on Bent Willow yesterday evening and smiled.
And God looks like the families of the other Squadron Commander's that have been bringing us meals. I never realized how much we needed that. The physical part of Steve's recovery has been going smoothly and rapidly, but the mental recovery (for both of us) is just beginning. My head is still spinning with all that has happened that I have not had the energy or the desire to get into my kitchen. And usually cooking is very therapeutic for me. I miss it, but my heart is not there right now. Another commander's spouse called me while I was at the commissary (I had to take Steve to work for a few hours - don't ask, just another reason we have not mentally begun to repair). I told her that being at the commissary, alone and with my coupons was wonderful. It was the first "normal" thing I have done in over 3 weeks. Every meal/event/car ride has had some connection to the surgery and the cancer. EVERY thing. So to be in the commissary with my beloved coupons and figuring out the bargains felt so good. That's really sad isn't it. I will never take the mundane for granted again.
I think the chaos and the mundane work together in God's perfect plan. We need those moments of tightly clinging to the Lord for protection. It is only then in the mundane that it feels so good to let go, spread our arms wide and soak up His goodness. I am reminded of the old Nestea commercials. The ones where folks gulp down a glass of tea and fall back into the water. I think that is what God needs from me right now. To take big gulps and drink Him in and then be so relaxed and at peace that I just free fall back into His arms KNOWING that He will catch me.

Peace (and Spiritual Nestea moments) to all who read...

Finally! A few minutes to myself...

The kids are in school, my mother-in-law is getting herself ready for the day and Steve is sleeping in - as he should be. And all is right with the world. Okay - all is always right in God's world, I can just see it through his eyes today.

Steve is doing wonderful! If you did not know him and what he had been through for the last 2 weeks, you would have no idea that he had a cancer diagnosis and major surgery. But walk around with him for a few minutes and you will see this physically fit guy get winded going up stairs or just walking around. We both know that this will pass, but it hard to see him struggle with the simplest of destinations. As you may have read, in my previous post, we got the best news we could have ever been given! He may, in fact, now be a cancer survivor at this point! They got it all, it did not include the lymph nodes and it was found at an earlier stage than they first diagnosed! It was still cancer. And it was still bad - in the words of our surgeon "Lung cancer is a bad cancer to get." And he will carry this diagnosis with him for the rest of his life. And it will change the way his health care management is handled. And it will change the way we look at the rest of our life.

Everything in the last 60 days has pointed to the scripture Jeremiah 29:11. Not to beat a dead horse here (for those who have been following my blog), but that verse and the meaning behind it have appeared at the most appropriate and least expected moments. Some folks know that I have been praying that scripture since this all began and some had no idea. And those who had no idea would send something with that on it. In fact one card we received, had a beautiful inscription and lovely verse on the inside, but it wasn't until I turned the card over to the back (not sure why I did) that I noticed in small print the quote from Jeremiah. Steve & I have spent our lives grading his career by military standards (certain job placements and exposure meant that you were on the right track for excelling). And when certain things didn't come through, we would grade his career against others and ask, "Where did we go wrong? What could we have done different?"

In earlier post I said that I wanted to help God in the plan for mine and Steve's lives - help smooth the path, since I obviously know what makes us happy and fulfilled. I wanted God to let me in on the planning, give me a peak at what was to come. I feel like this whole scenario was just that. No, He did not give me a peak at the end of the story, but he did give us little glimpses along the way to quiet our Spirits. In fact, the night before surgery, as Steve was getting done with his pre-op shower, we were talking. And he looked at me and said, "I don't think God would have brought us this far and this way to have the cancer take me." And I believe him.

Even in all this, I still find ways to be amazed at God's timing. Most folks know that our move from Nebraska was very difficult for me. I attended an wonderful Wednesday morning Gretna Bible study (Amy - tell everyone how much I miss them!) that regularly did Beth Moore Studies. I miss that group so much - they were a neat bunch of ladies that welcomed anyone from any church! Oh, let me clarify - this was not the church we were members of. And it was quite a drive every Wednesday to go. But that was my quiet time with God. I did a lot of praying then. So when I heard that they were doing the Esther Study at the start of the new year, I was so jealous. Yep, I said it - jealous. And then I heard that my mother-law was starting it right after them at her church. I was getting ready to check out Beth's website because she has a listing of churches that register to do her studies, when I saw an announcement in our bulletin that we were starting this study in February. The Gretna group is already done (I think) and my mother-in law is almost done (1 more week I think) because their schedules were never compromised due to Spring break and Ash Wednesday services. But ours was. We are only on week 5 at this point. But oh, my how the schedule has blessed me. Even my slacker days (where I did 2 lessons at once because my head wasn't in it prior to then) were exactly what I needed at that precise moment. One Sunday afternoon, I sat outside in the garage while Steve was washing his car (with all that had been going on, I needed to be with him when ever possible - I did not want to take any moment for granted). I took my Study with me. I was working on day 2 of week 3. I got all the way to the last question in the lesson when I was pulled away to meet a new neighbor. I put up my book, with the intent of reading the last 2 paragraphs when I did day 3. And so the next morning, after the kids got off to school I opened my study to finish. Now, understand this -we knew that a bronchoscopy was happening this week and a possible needle biopsy after that, if no results could be determined from the 1st procedure. Here is a portion of what was in the last 2 paragraphs, "Every man-scheduled date subjected upon one of His children is written, not just on a doctor's calendar, a hospital's calendar or a trial judge's calendar. It is written on God's. For each person given one year to live, trust that time is God's alone to give." I stopped and stared wide-eyed at what I had just read. Then the tears flowed...in buckets! How could God use these words now? This was not what I needed to hear right now. Ordinarily, I would have shut my book and found something else to do. I could not handle this! But, not this time. I guess I felt like a glutton for punishment. So I moved on to day 3. At the bottom of the first page of this chapter Beth talks about how Satan's most effective tactic is to trap us in mental torment - fear! She then asks, "What situation most recently tempted you toward mental torment?" I needed both of those parts of the lesson together in that way on that very day! If I had done the lessons as planned, I would never have been moved as I was that day. The week prior, when I should have been doing the homework, we were still waiting on the 2nd ct scan. We were still positive that it was nothing but infection and the results of the ct scan would show it! But as we sat waiting for the next test to happen Satan tried to use Beth's interpretation of God's Word against me. But God allowed a little interruption in my "perfectly planned" Sunday afternoon to continue His even more perfect plan. Now fast forward a few weeks as I am catching up on the study I have missed due to surgery and such. It's week 4, day 4 and chapter titled. "For Such a Time as This." As I read the lessons and answer what questions I can (again,, I am tired and my head ain't quite in it) I read," Not only are you royalty but you also have been placed in your sphere of influence, regardless of the size you perceive it to be, 'for such a time as this.' Ecclesiastes 3:2 tells us there is 'a time to be born and a time to die.' God cut out those exact perimeters for you and me on the kingdom calendar so that we would be positioned on earth right now. Likewise, Acts 17:26 tells unflinchingly that God 'determined the times set for [us] and the exact places that [we] should live.' You see, even your current location is part of the set-up for your kingdom destiny. As we learned in one our earliest verses on providence in this series, in Christ, 'we are also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works everything in conformity with the purpose of His will' (Eph 1:11)..." Even my taking this study when I did was in His perfect plan. I needed those words and moments listed above at just the time I received them. Had I taken this study at any other time. I don't know that I would have gotten it. God even allowed my being a slacker at my homework to work in his favor! And those of you who know me, I am never a slacker when it comes to Beth's homework. I love her homework!

Oh, the God moments. I pray that I continue to praise His name in the good and the bad. I pray that I do not lose this feeling, this place, this moment with God.

Peace to all who read...

A Real quick update!!!!

1st - We are home!!!

2nd - He feels really good, just sore.

3rd - drum roll please....the Doc just called (at 8:30 at night!) to tell us he got the path report: All lymph nodes are negative! The cancer has been reclassified from a 1B to a 1A!!!!!!

Praise God!!!!


Peace (and JOY!) to all who read...

I'm tired...but it's a good kinda tired.

Picture this: You are in a hospital room with your 41 year old non-smoking husband who had lung cancer surgery. You leave thinking, "This has been one of the best days we have had in over a month!" It truly was. He was Steve again. His personality was back. He was smiling, joking with the staff, shaving and begging to be taken on walks because he was getting bored and tired in his room. So we walked and walked and walked. It was wonderful, except for all the medical equipment that we have to drag along to include nursing staff - knocks the romance right off the moment. :-) But who cares. He wanted to be out. When lunch rolled around he did not want anything off the hospital menu, so I went to the cafeteria down stairs, had subs made for us and got chips. And there we sat in room 6 of 3 North. He in his recliner, me in a chair opposite of him with his hospital tray between us covered with our lunch. And then we held hands and he blessed it. It was the first normal moment we have had in weeks. Who knew one could have such a wonderful lunch date in a hospital room! It was better than any meal shared anywhere else (other than pizza movie night with the kiddos - which will hopefully be right around the corner). If all goes well, he will have his chest tubes out tomorrow and can come either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday morning.
But, oh the things I take for granted. I had reality slap me in the face yesterday. Yes, he had a much better day, but he still wasn't Steve. And at the end of the evening when he lay in his bed exhausted from all his work, he looked so vulnerable and weak. All I wanted to do was crawl in the bed next to him and snuggle - something we have not done since we woke up on Friday morning. It was then I remembered a conversation earlier in the day about borrowing a recliner for the house (it's here now). He would not be in the bed with me. Getting him home is not going to erase what we have gone through. I spent my entire ride home from the hospital last night crying my eyes out to a friend in Nebraska about how ungrateful I was being. A week ago all I wanted was for the Pet Scan to be clear. It was. We celebrated. Then it was all I wanted was for the surgery to be successful and Steve to come through it alive and well. Got that too. Apparently not enough for me though. Then all I wanted was to bring Steve home. Some how it seemed to me that bringing him home made it all go away. But as I saw him there in that bed in pain, I knew that even at home life would not be normal for a long while. And as I told him, " I just want it to be 6 months ago when it seem that all was right with the world." And his reply was, "Or 6 months from now when it will all feel right again." I am not very good at living in the moment (as someone on line or in an e-mail instructed me to do). I want to read to the end of the book. I want to know NOW that the good guy wins. And wins the way I want him too. I continue to ask God for peace and He continues to give me small victories to have peace with, but I want the big ones. And I want them now. As I pouring out my heart last night, I told my friend that I knew we needed to make this journey and we needed to make it in God's time. To speed it up or to skip portions of it means to skip the blessings He has in store for us. Like my lunch date in Steve's hospital room. My father-in-law told me that when we get to the other side of this, we will be changed. And I truly believe that. I am looking forward to the person God is making us to be in all this. To be remolded and shaped is a painful process, but so is training for the Boston Marathon (like our nutty pastor back in Nebraska - still haven't figured that one out). And so is bending to His will. It makes me think of the scripture in Malachi 3 -"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." A story is told of a women's Bible study that were puzzled by this verse so that asked a silversmith what it meant to refine and purify silver. The silversmith tells the ladies of how he has to sit in front of the fire with the silver in the hottest part to burn away the impurities. But that he has to take it out at just the right time or it will be destroyed. When asked how he knew when it was fully refined, he says "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it." God did not throw us in the fire. He is holding tightly to us and making sure that we are not destroyed and that we come out on the other side of this better than when we went in - seeing His image in us.


Peace to all who read...