Okay, this is just a quick post to whine for a moment. Feel free to quit reading right now, I will understand. I hate whining - especially mine. It really gets on my nerves. But our last 24 hours would almost be funny, if it weren't for this cancer thing. But I need to vent...
Since I last posted here is was has been happening:
1. Steve takes van to get gas and is sideswiped by an SUV that never knows he hit us and drives away. Steve gets all the info, but now how to proceed - calling USAA today. Major dings and scratches, that's all.
2. Battery dies on same vehicle - yes, Steve did leave the keys in it, but sheesh...could it not hold a charge??? And our jumper cables are missing!
3. Washing machine decided that, for political reasons, it will no longer spin during the spin cycle. I guess the washer is having a Bill O'Reilly moment.
Okay - I have had it. Can't we just have the cancer please? Who thought I would ever say that? There is $$ in the bank to cover any and all of the expenses that will occur from the above mentioned. But it just seems like all this little stuff - and that what it is - little stuff, is beating us down.
This is going to be an exhausting week - trying to be at Dr.'s appointment, be home or elsewhere to get repairs done, tie up all those loose ends I mentioned in the last post AND try and make this week of Spring Break somewhat normal for the kids (squeezing in trips to SeaWorld & Six Flags).
Okay enough whining...
I now return you to your regular programing.
Peace to all who read...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A brief calm before the storm...
Hubby and the kids are out of the house working on Pinewood Derby cars. Didn't realize that I would have some time to myself today - or any day in the next few weeks. But I am glad I do.
The words that have freely flowed (in my eyes) when I sit at this keyboard, are kinda stuck. One moment I feel like I have the answers and the peace. And the next moment...not so much.
I held up amazingly well when we were in the doc's office. I heard what we needed to hear. I knew the plan and I knew that the prognosis was good. But even that is difficult to hear because it is not just your routine, "Oh he will be fine when this is all over with." Those answers come out something like,"We are looking at a 70% survival rate for 5 years or more..." or something to that effect. Before all this started you always think you have %100 chance of being where you want to be in 5, 10 or 25 years. And yes, 70 is good. But it's not a guarantee. And I do know that there are no guarantees, but when staring it in the face, you realize what you are up against. I want to hear that he has a 70%chance of getting picked up for Air War College or getting selected for Full Colonel. We are celebrating around here in TX if we have a prediction of 70% chance of rain. But when it comes to a loved one, ANYTHING less than %100 is not acceptable. Here is another "percentage" for ya - of all lung cancer patients, 10% have never used tobacco products. Gee...Steve is in an elite group. Think we would rather pass on that membership.
I still firmly believe that God is in control of all of this. But it sure doesn't make the waiting any easier. I have moments when I am on the phone or chatting with someone where I feel really good and feel the hope in all of this. Then I can turn around in the next breath and swallowed up in sadness. I get dizzy and nauseous and feel like I can't breathe and wonder where God is in all of this. I have to hide those moments from the kids. So I have been in my closet a lot lately. Steve understands, but I know I am not making it any easier on him. I constantly find myself apologizing to him, but he just smiles and says, "Well, one of us has to be calm, cool and collected, and one of us has to be the frayed nerve. Which do you want to be?" But I am just tired of unraveling. I keep finding what I feel are messages of hope from God. But I am scared to believe them because I never thought that God would allow the news we got on Friday.
I have been analyzing the words in Jeremiah 29:11 (the Message) in the last several days preparing myself for this time. "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out -" Okay, that is why we are here. Got it. Couldn't be more plain. "...plans to take care of you and not abandon you,..." Yep, already seeing it. The doc is moving quickly. Friends and family are the ready to come out, come over, and do what ever is necessary. We know we are not alone in all of this. It's that last line of the scripture that gets me, "...plans to give you the future you hope for." My future involves that big goofy guy who has 3 children that look just like him and love him more than he knows. My future is to spend our retirement going to every baseball stadium in the US with one of the biggest Johnny Bench fans. My future includes getting out all of our children's wooden Thomas trains and setting up a Thomas wonderland for our grandkids with one of the most obnoxious train nuts I have even been blessed to know.
So, I have been arguing with God. And bargaining, I'm sure. I have heard a lot lately about those strong in faith doubting God (not that I place my self in that category) - our pastor preached on John Wesley's doubting this morning. It doesn't feel like doubting, though. I argue with Him as if I could change His mind. And although I know His plan is PERFECT (no bones about that), I wonder how could putting our family and my husband through this be perfect. So I cry out (when no one is around, hopefully) and try to understand. I am so ready to turn this tapestry of our life over and see the beautiful work that God has woven. I am already sick of seeing the back - full of loose threads (me), knots (Steve) and a mess(the cancer).
Tomorrow is a big day. We have an 11am appointment with the chest surgeon for our initial consult. We are hoping he will move as swiftly as the other docs have. We don't feel anything is being rushed here. There have not been any real decisions to make. His stage and type of cancer warrant surgery. End of story. Okay, we could have probably talked about other options. But this is the way they treat it. Get it out. We are okay with that. We did not invite it in in the first place.
And on Wednesday is an even bigger day. Steve has a PET Scan to check the rest of his body for "hot spots." AKA - more cancer. I think I am the most fearful of this appointment. Nothing more to say about that.
There is so much we need to do to ready ourselves for all of this. When you are staring such major surgery in the face, you realize,"OMG! I have too many loose ends out there." And begins the tying of those ends...
1. Continue to press the AF to send another W2 for our dity move so we can file our taxes.
2. Get the cars registered here - tags expire this month
3. Get Pinewood Derby cars made - race is on the 21st
4. Get Mom out here to take care of the kids. They NEED normalcy. And Mom is as close as we are going to get... :-)
I know that I have more followers of this blog now. Initially I never told anyone about it. If they found it fine. And the initial intent of the blog (back in Dec) was to vent about the Air Force. And how Steve & I remain Christian and sane in a very political climate. And we struggle with adjusting and how God always comes through. But I guess that will change here for a while. I have a facebook account (as does Steve), but I don't feel comfortable sharing the ins and outs of our cancer (and yes, it is OUR cancer - it is not just Steve's) although I have friends who do use their accounts for that. But, as I am able, I will post. On good days, I might "wax poetic" on how wonderful God has been in all this and some days I might send a quick blurb from my iPhone because that is all I can muster. We want people to know, but we are not making this our mantra. We are the Gibsons. We love our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He has blessed us with 3 wonderful children. Steve is the proud commander of the 331st TRS, Asst. Cubmaster to our boys Pack and oh by the way - he is battling cancer right now.
We look forward to the day where this is nothing more than a part of our testimony. Another obstacle that God got us through. And He will, it's how He plans on doing it that gives me hope and scares me all at the same time. He has only good things for us. God couldn't have given me anything better than Steve. How do you perfect that?
So feel free to stop by and see what's up. You might be surprised by my hopefulness one day or tune out the next because of my anger that I might aim at God. But that is okay, He is ready for it. I think He expects it. I think He would rather have my honesty than my poetry.
Peace to all who read...
The words that have freely flowed (in my eyes) when I sit at this keyboard, are kinda stuck. One moment I feel like I have the answers and the peace. And the next moment...not so much.
I held up amazingly well when we were in the doc's office. I heard what we needed to hear. I knew the plan and I knew that the prognosis was good. But even that is difficult to hear because it is not just your routine, "Oh he will be fine when this is all over with." Those answers come out something like,"We are looking at a 70% survival rate for 5 years or more..." or something to that effect. Before all this started you always think you have %100 chance of being where you want to be in 5, 10 or 25 years. And yes, 70 is good. But it's not a guarantee. And I do know that there are no guarantees, but when staring it in the face, you realize what you are up against. I want to hear that he has a 70%chance of getting picked up for Air War College or getting selected for Full Colonel. We are celebrating around here in TX if we have a prediction of 70% chance of rain. But when it comes to a loved one, ANYTHING less than %100 is not acceptable. Here is another "percentage" for ya - of all lung cancer patients, 10% have never used tobacco products. Gee...Steve is in an elite group. Think we would rather pass on that membership.
I still firmly believe that God is in control of all of this. But it sure doesn't make the waiting any easier. I have moments when I am on the phone or chatting with someone where I feel really good and feel the hope in all of this. Then I can turn around in the next breath and swallowed up in sadness. I get dizzy and nauseous and feel like I can't breathe and wonder where God is in all of this. I have to hide those moments from the kids. So I have been in my closet a lot lately. Steve understands, but I know I am not making it any easier on him. I constantly find myself apologizing to him, but he just smiles and says, "Well, one of us has to be calm, cool and collected, and one of us has to be the frayed nerve. Which do you want to be?" But I am just tired of unraveling. I keep finding what I feel are messages of hope from God. But I am scared to believe them because I never thought that God would allow the news we got on Friday.
I have been analyzing the words in Jeremiah 29:11 (the Message) in the last several days preparing myself for this time. "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out -" Okay, that is why we are here. Got it. Couldn't be more plain. "...plans to take care of you and not abandon you,..." Yep, already seeing it. The doc is moving quickly. Friends and family are the ready to come out, come over, and do what ever is necessary. We know we are not alone in all of this. It's that last line of the scripture that gets me, "...plans to give you the future you hope for." My future involves that big goofy guy who has 3 children that look just like him and love him more than he knows. My future is to spend our retirement going to every baseball stadium in the US with one of the biggest Johnny Bench fans. My future includes getting out all of our children's wooden Thomas trains and setting up a Thomas wonderland for our grandkids with one of the most obnoxious train nuts I have even been blessed to know.
So, I have been arguing with God. And bargaining, I'm sure. I have heard a lot lately about those strong in faith doubting God (not that I place my self in that category) - our pastor preached on John Wesley's doubting this morning. It doesn't feel like doubting, though. I argue with Him as if I could change His mind. And although I know His plan is PERFECT (no bones about that), I wonder how could putting our family and my husband through this be perfect. So I cry out (when no one is around, hopefully) and try to understand. I am so ready to turn this tapestry of our life over and see the beautiful work that God has woven. I am already sick of seeing the back - full of loose threads (me), knots (Steve) and a mess(the cancer).
Tomorrow is a big day. We have an 11am appointment with the chest surgeon for our initial consult. We are hoping he will move as swiftly as the other docs have. We don't feel anything is being rushed here. There have not been any real decisions to make. His stage and type of cancer warrant surgery. End of story. Okay, we could have probably talked about other options. But this is the way they treat it. Get it out. We are okay with that. We did not invite it in in the first place.
And on Wednesday is an even bigger day. Steve has a PET Scan to check the rest of his body for "hot spots." AKA - more cancer. I think I am the most fearful of this appointment. Nothing more to say about that.
There is so much we need to do to ready ourselves for all of this. When you are staring such major surgery in the face, you realize,"OMG! I have too many loose ends out there." And begins the tying of those ends...
1. Continue to press the AF to send another W2 for our dity move so we can file our taxes.
2. Get the cars registered here - tags expire this month
3. Get Pinewood Derby cars made - race is on the 21st
4. Get Mom out here to take care of the kids. They NEED normalcy. And Mom is as close as we are going to get... :-)
I know that I have more followers of this blog now. Initially I never told anyone about it. If they found it fine. And the initial intent of the blog (back in Dec) was to vent about the Air Force. And how Steve & I remain Christian and sane in a very political climate. And we struggle with adjusting and how God always comes through. But I guess that will change here for a while. I have a facebook account (as does Steve), but I don't feel comfortable sharing the ins and outs of our cancer (and yes, it is OUR cancer - it is not just Steve's) although I have friends who do use their accounts for that. But, as I am able, I will post. On good days, I might "wax poetic" on how wonderful God has been in all this and some days I might send a quick blurb from my iPhone because that is all I can muster. We want people to know, but we are not making this our mantra. We are the Gibsons. We love our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He has blessed us with 3 wonderful children. Steve is the proud commander of the 331st TRS, Asst. Cubmaster to our boys Pack and oh by the way - he is battling cancer right now.
We look forward to the day where this is nothing more than a part of our testimony. Another obstacle that God got us through. And He will, it's how He plans on doing it that gives me hope and scares me all at the same time. He has only good things for us. God couldn't have given me anything better than Steve. How do you perfect that?
So feel free to stop by and see what's up. You might be surprised by my hopefulness one day or tune out the next because of my anger that I might aim at God. But that is okay, He is ready for it. I think He expects it. I think He would rather have my honesty than my poetry.
Peace to all who read...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
This is what God looks like...
This was delivered to our house this morning. We were overwhelmed. I wanted to call and thank the family personally, but talking about all of this gets difficult. And I don't want the kids to be reminded at every turn what we are going thru. Their daddy is still that - their daddy. We don't want this diagnosis to be a label or an excuse for the way we live our life over the next few weeks and months.
Peace to all who read...
Hindsight is 20/20
But Spiritual hindsight is 20/10! Our path to this point in our lives could not be more crystal clear. Wow! God's timing is more than perfect. And He does have it all planned out. And He is good ALL the time.
Our Journey begins about a year and half ago.
Steve (having made the first cut for the VE board - the Space career field Squadron Commander's selection) got the call from his boss that he had been selected for a command job at a space squadron (somewhere other than where we are now). The list was not officially out, but we trusted in the fact that this 2 star equiv was going on good authority to share this info. He was given this info from someone higher ranking than himself. Who knew that someone even "higher ranking" than that had other plans. On Friday before the release of the list on Tuesday, Steve's name was still on the list. On Monday afternoon, he was not. Several jobs and selections had been moved around, but Steve was the only one not on the list that was on there on Friday. Why? Squadron Command was all Steve wanted. Anything beyond that would have been gravy. And there was some other factors too that made this even harder to swallow, but let's just agree that we felt like we had been given the shaft. Try and we might, we tried to live out Jeremiah 29:11, but our praises to God for His perfect plan were probably hollow. Eventually we were able to let it go and move on. All this time, though, we knew his name had been placed in the Recruiting/Training Command hat. And in January of 2008 we got the OFFICIAL notification that he had been selected for the 331st TRS. No taking this back. We saw the announcement! We were headed to Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX. Never in a million years would we have thought we would be in San Antonio. Just never on the radar for us. Because Steve's dream of squadron command was coming true, we "gave God the praise" for fulfilling our plans. It seems so easy to praise God when good things are happening. Now fast forward to January 2009. It's 3 days into the new year. Grandma Gibson is on life support in a hospital in TN. We are mentally planning for that "unplanned" trip to TN in the very near future. So, Steve decides that he better get on the roof and take down the Christmas lights or they may be up until Valentine's Day. While coming down from the second floor roof to the first floor roof, the ladder slips. He falls. Upon initial physical inspection, he is sore, but can continue taking down the last few lights. He later "motrins up" and chalks it up to stupidity or something like it. A few days later, Grandma dies and we head to TN for the funeral. After we return from TN, Steve decides to go to the Dr. because his ribs just aren't getting any better. They x-ray him and find 2 broke ribs. And...something they can't identify. Let's do a CT scan. Now they see 3 broke ribs and "something they can't identify." Okay, let's repeat the scan in a few weeks to see if that "something" goes away. Three weeks later - it's still there. Time for a bronchoscopy and a needle biopsy. And that puts us in Dr. V's office at 11:15 yesterday morning. It is not the answer we had hoped for. But it is the journey God has placed us on. And it is completely the reason we are where we are. Had he not fallen off the roof, they would have NEVER found it - until it was too late. The Doc said that himself. And we are in an area where we are getting very expedited medical care - not because of a need for urgency, but because they know that is what we want. Had we been anywhere else, we might still be waiting to see a civilian pulmonologist and now we are scheduled to see a chest surgeon on Monday! God is good all the time. We are truly believe this. They are not hollow and empty praises.
A lot of my quiet time happens on the road on Thursday and Friday mornings when I am heading to the base for the Airman's Run and BMT Graduation. Well, yesterday when I was headed to graduation, I was having my usual dialogue with God. Okay - if you know me, I am doing most of the talking, but I am fleshing out things that confuse me and things that keep me from fully relying on God. I know He works through that for me. He has to. And when I talk to Him, I might have one of my "Out of the mouth of blondes" moments. Have you ever had someone plan a surprise for you? You know, one of those times, when you knew they were doing something for you, something wonderful, but you did not know the details? My most wonderful hubby has done that for me a number of times. And I always think that maybe I know just little better what would make his plan go smoothly for me. If only he would give me a few of the details so that I could "help" him do the best for me. That is what I do with God. I know He only has wonderful plans for me and my family, but if only He would open up a little about the details so that I could "help" Him get it right and make it go more smoothly. Is that funny or what?
There is so much more about His messages of hope for me, but I will save that for another post. And those have been pretty cool too. But it's late - or early depending on how you look at it.
For those of you who I am friends with on Facebook, I will not be post "details" too much on there. It's not that we are hiding anything. We just don't think that Facebook is the venue for disclosing all of that. Feel free to ask! Send me an e-mail! We will keep you up to date on everything. But if we could, we would like to keep phone calls to a minimum when the kids are home. They know what is going on, but we need to keep things normal for their sakes and always being on the phone rehashing out all that we are going through is not good for them.
Cue the "Indiana Jones" theme music - and so the journey continues!
Peace to all who read...
Our Journey begins about a year and half ago.
Steve (having made the first cut for the VE board - the Space career field Squadron Commander's selection) got the call from his boss that he had been selected for a command job at a space squadron (somewhere other than where we are now). The list was not officially out, but we trusted in the fact that this 2 star equiv was going on good authority to share this info. He was given this info from someone higher ranking than himself. Who knew that someone even "higher ranking" than that had other plans. On Friday before the release of the list on Tuesday, Steve's name was still on the list. On Monday afternoon, he was not. Several jobs and selections had been moved around, but Steve was the only one not on the list that was on there on Friday. Why? Squadron Command was all Steve wanted. Anything beyond that would have been gravy. And there was some other factors too that made this even harder to swallow, but let's just agree that we felt like we had been given the shaft. Try and we might, we tried to live out Jeremiah 29:11, but our praises to God for His perfect plan were probably hollow. Eventually we were able to let it go and move on. All this time, though, we knew his name had been placed in the Recruiting/Training Command hat. And in January of 2008 we got the OFFICIAL notification that he had been selected for the 331st TRS. No taking this back. We saw the announcement! We were headed to Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX. Never in a million years would we have thought we would be in San Antonio. Just never on the radar for us. Because Steve's dream of squadron command was coming true, we "gave God the praise" for fulfilling our plans. It seems so easy to praise God when good things are happening. Now fast forward to January 2009. It's 3 days into the new year. Grandma Gibson is on life support in a hospital in TN. We are mentally planning for that "unplanned" trip to TN in the very near future. So, Steve decides that he better get on the roof and take down the Christmas lights or they may be up until Valentine's Day. While coming down from the second floor roof to the first floor roof, the ladder slips. He falls. Upon initial physical inspection, he is sore, but can continue taking down the last few lights. He later "motrins up" and chalks it up to stupidity or something like it. A few days later, Grandma dies and we head to TN for the funeral. After we return from TN, Steve decides to go to the Dr. because his ribs just aren't getting any better. They x-ray him and find 2 broke ribs. And...something they can't identify. Let's do a CT scan. Now they see 3 broke ribs and "something they can't identify." Okay, let's repeat the scan in a few weeks to see if that "something" goes away. Three weeks later - it's still there. Time for a bronchoscopy and a needle biopsy. And that puts us in Dr. V's office at 11:15 yesterday morning. It is not the answer we had hoped for. But it is the journey God has placed us on. And it is completely the reason we are where we are. Had he not fallen off the roof, they would have NEVER found it - until it was too late. The Doc said that himself. And we are in an area where we are getting very expedited medical care - not because of a need for urgency, but because they know that is what we want. Had we been anywhere else, we might still be waiting to see a civilian pulmonologist and now we are scheduled to see a chest surgeon on Monday! God is good all the time. We are truly believe this. They are not hollow and empty praises.
A lot of my quiet time happens on the road on Thursday and Friday mornings when I am heading to the base for the Airman's Run and BMT Graduation. Well, yesterday when I was headed to graduation, I was having my usual dialogue with God. Okay - if you know me, I am doing most of the talking, but I am fleshing out things that confuse me and things that keep me from fully relying on God. I know He works through that for me. He has to. And when I talk to Him, I might have one of my "Out of the mouth of blondes" moments. Have you ever had someone plan a surprise for you? You know, one of those times, when you knew they were doing something for you, something wonderful, but you did not know the details? My most wonderful hubby has done that for me a number of times. And I always think that maybe I know just little better what would make his plan go smoothly for me. If only he would give me a few of the details so that I could "help" him do the best for me. That is what I do with God. I know He only has wonderful plans for me and my family, but if only He would open up a little about the details so that I could "help" Him get it right and make it go more smoothly. Is that funny or what?
There is so much more about His messages of hope for me, but I will save that for another post. And those have been pretty cool too. But it's late - or early depending on how you look at it.
For those of you who I am friends with on Facebook, I will not be post "details" too much on there. It's not that we are hiding anything. We just don't think that Facebook is the venue for disclosing all of that. Feel free to ask! Send me an e-mail! We will keep you up to date on everything. But if we could, we would like to keep phone calls to a minimum when the kids are home. They know what is going on, but we need to keep things normal for their sakes and always being on the phone rehashing out all that we are going through is not good for them.
Cue the "Indiana Jones" theme music - and so the journey continues!
Peace to all who read...
Friday, March 6, 2009
To keep myself accountable...
Have not posted in a couple of days...
Had the needle biopsy on Wednesday. Went well. Have appointment at 11:15 this morning to get results (or lack of results).
I am not posting too much today and it may be a few days or a week before I post again. My blog is not a "newspaper" to broadcast every movement in our lives. It has become my quiet time with God. That is not to say that I don't want anybody reading because it's personal. I just don't have the same relationships here to talk about what is going on in my life and typing it out seems to help. And the comments I get help give me clarity at times when I need it.
I don't make it a habit of getting on and blogging everyday (I guess that is kind of obvious). I usually blog in the quiet of the morning when the kiddos are at school. Well, today is Friday and the kids start Spring Break on Monday. No "quiet of the morning" in my foreseeable future. :-) .
But I did want to post about something (quickly) so that I will expand more on it later - for my own benefit. A dear friend in Omaha said I needed to write it all down and I will. God has really been speaking to me through all of this. There have been more little messages from God that I can count. And one has lead to another, which lead to another, and on and on. You get the picture. I need to journal this adventure with God. And I will. It has been a journey of hope. And to be honest, I did not want to believe it. But I post this now, because I don't want to discount what has happened or erase from my memory what has happened if the answers we get today are not what we hoped for. God is good ALL the time.
My prayer for today is for an answer.
Peace to all who read...
Had the needle biopsy on Wednesday. Went well. Have appointment at 11:15 this morning to get results (or lack of results).
I am not posting too much today and it may be a few days or a week before I post again. My blog is not a "newspaper" to broadcast every movement in our lives. It has become my quiet time with God. That is not to say that I don't want anybody reading because it's personal. I just don't have the same relationships here to talk about what is going on in my life and typing it out seems to help. And the comments I get help give me clarity at times when I need it.
I don't make it a habit of getting on and blogging everyday (I guess that is kind of obvious). I usually blog in the quiet of the morning when the kiddos are at school. Well, today is Friday and the kids start Spring Break on Monday. No "quiet of the morning" in my foreseeable future. :-) .
But I did want to post about something (quickly) so that I will expand more on it later - for my own benefit. A dear friend in Omaha said I needed to write it all down and I will. God has really been speaking to me through all of this. There have been more little messages from God that I can count. And one has lead to another, which lead to another, and on and on. You get the picture. I need to journal this adventure with God. And I will. It has been a journey of hope. And to be honest, I did not want to believe it. But I post this now, because I don't want to discount what has happened or erase from my memory what has happened if the answers we get today are not what we hoped for. God is good ALL the time.
My prayer for today is for an answer.
Peace to all who read...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
God makes me laugh...sometimes.
The visit with the doc went just as planned. Needle biopsy on Wednesday, shouldn't take long, hopefully we will have results by the following Tuesday. When the doc looked at Steve's CT scan he said that if had no history on Steve what so ever and was looking at the scans "cold" he would have diagnoise pneumonia - without question. That makes me feel better. Every opinion says that they really don't think it is cancer, but it is not normal. But unfortunately that is what they are always looking for. Doesn't make the waiting any easier.
So, why does God make me laugh sometimes? Well, actually he makes me laugh...a lot...at myself. But right now, I am not finding a whole to laugh about. What was different today? Well, with all this going on, I completely lost track of time. I am doing Beth Moore's Scripture memory challenge this year (you memorize a new verse every 2 weeks - the 1st and 15th of every month). Well, the 1st came and went. As did the 2nd! She tells you to find a verse that really speaks to you, to where you are or what you are going through. So this morning I got on line with Biblegateway.com to look up scripture with the word fear in it. I had an idea of a scripture (something about God not giving us a spirit of fear...) but I could not find what I was looking for. So, I grab a set of cards that a dear friend mailed me a few months back (little plastic holder with verses & topics on them. So, I thought, "Just grab and start looking, surely you will find something to memorize." I didn't care at this point what it was. Just wanted to keep up my end of the challenge. Not the right attitude, but it was all I had this morning. Well the card on top was my verse from the last 2 weeks (Jeremiah 29:11). The next card I grabbed was my verse from 6 weeks ago (Romans 14:19). Then it happened. I cried and I laughed. Then I cried a lot more. The next card I grabbed out of desperation read this: Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." God Wins!!! Again and always. 'Nuf said.
Peace to all who read...
So, why does God make me laugh sometimes? Well, actually he makes me laugh...a lot...at myself. But right now, I am not finding a whole to laugh about. What was different today? Well, with all this going on, I completely lost track of time. I am doing Beth Moore's Scripture memory challenge this year (you memorize a new verse every 2 weeks - the 1st and 15th of every month). Well, the 1st came and went. As did the 2nd! She tells you to find a verse that really speaks to you, to where you are or what you are going through. So this morning I got on line with Biblegateway.com to look up scripture with the word fear in it. I had an idea of a scripture (something about God not giving us a spirit of fear...) but I could not find what I was looking for. So, I grab a set of cards that a dear friend mailed me a few months back (little plastic holder with verses & topics on them. So, I thought, "Just grab and start looking, surely you will find something to memorize." I didn't care at this point what it was. Just wanted to keep up my end of the challenge. Not the right attitude, but it was all I had this morning. Well the card on top was my verse from the last 2 weeks (Jeremiah 29:11). The next card I grabbed was my verse from 6 weeks ago (Romans 14:19). Then it happened. I cried and I laughed. Then I cried a lot more. The next card I grabbed out of desperation read this: Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." God Wins!!! Again and always. 'Nuf said.
Peace to all who read...
Monday, March 2, 2009
It's hard to keep my focus...
Oh to have a "normal" day. To get up, send my family off happily to their appointed tasks for the day, come home have dinner together, play, go to bed and wake up and do it all over again. Mundane has never looked so good.
What a roller coaster this past week and month have been. The hubby had the bronchoscopy on Wednesday - went beautifully. Now we wait. Doc is hopeful that is nothing more than inflammation, but the test results could still come back inconclusive, thereby indicating more tests. So Friday afternoon I leave the house to go with our daughter to a youth event called Acquire the Fire (a Ron Luce ministry). I call my hubby to see if he has successfully gotten to his dinner. No he hasn't yet- doc has called. Tests were inconclusive. He needs a needle biopsy. My heart sank. There I was in a van full of young girls (our daughter one of them) laughing and giggling as we headed to weekend of fun...for them. I was sick. I wanted to throw up right on the spot. But I couldn't. I could not let on to my precious daughter that there MIGHT be a problem with Daddy. How could I? So I sucked it all in, called a very close friend and shared with her - I had to talk to someone. And motored on.
Now, let me clarify - these results are not necessarily bad. That are what they are - inconclusive. There are a few more tests still out there that could come back with the results that we are looking for. It may be that the sample was too small and a needle biopsy will get a better sample. It may just be that I am Chicken Little and I immediately see that sky falling. But that is who I am.
So I go to this event with the intent of having some good quality mother/daughter time. You can never have too much of that. And with my daughter bordering on being a teenager, I don't want to let anything slip through the cracks. She is an awesome kid and an even better daughter. But I have so many folks try to squelch that with, "Just wait until they are _____ (fill in what ever age you see fit)." She is truly a great kid and a wonderful Christian young lady. I am so proud to be her mom. Immediately I recognize that Satan is trying to take that away. This was my weekend with her! She invited me to go with her. She WANTED to spend it with me! And I was letting a might be/could be/ but not definitely situation rob me of it. I wanted to see my husband. I wanted to hug him and hold him and have him tell me everything would be alright. That was the center of my thinking all that evening. And so Satan won my Friday night. I knew it. It broke my heart. I got home, fell into Steve's arms, cried and went to bed. What happened to this being the best 2 years of our lives? (That's what they tell you when you take squadron command).
Saturday was a fresh new day. It came early. We had to be at the church by 7 am. But some how, something was different. I was able to focus. I was able to hear God a little better. Oh, don't get me wrong. Satan still made his presence very clear. But God was clearer. And He was never more clear than when my beautiful daughter and I were finishing up dinner at Whataburger. We were gathering our things and she turned and said, "Thank you." I, of course, responded and she said," Not for the event, or then tote bag or the dinner and ice cream, but for being my mom." I was speechless. God Wins!!!! Big time!!! That was what the weekend was all about.
Now, it's Monday. And I am praying the Message version on Jeremiah 29:11: "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." So, is that why Steve fell off the roof 2 months ago? So that we could find the spot? Is that why we got an assignment to San Antonio because they have such a large military medical facility that can handle practically anything? And when you are active duty, you don't have to wait around on paper work? God knows what he is doing. And he is going to take of us. He is not going to abandon us.
Steve got a call to come in at 2 so they can discuss the needle biopsy procedure. I think I need to be there with him - even though he said I didn't.
Peace to all who read...
What a roller coaster this past week and month have been. The hubby had the bronchoscopy on Wednesday - went beautifully. Now we wait. Doc is hopeful that is nothing more than inflammation, but the test results could still come back inconclusive, thereby indicating more tests. So Friday afternoon I leave the house to go with our daughter to a youth event called Acquire the Fire (a Ron Luce ministry). I call my hubby to see if he has successfully gotten to his dinner. No he hasn't yet- doc has called. Tests were inconclusive. He needs a needle biopsy. My heart sank. There I was in a van full of young girls (our daughter one of them) laughing and giggling as we headed to weekend of fun...for them. I was sick. I wanted to throw up right on the spot. But I couldn't. I could not let on to my precious daughter that there MIGHT be a problem with Daddy. How could I? So I sucked it all in, called a very close friend and shared with her - I had to talk to someone. And motored on.
Now, let me clarify - these results are not necessarily bad. That are what they are - inconclusive. There are a few more tests still out there that could come back with the results that we are looking for. It may be that the sample was too small and a needle biopsy will get a better sample. It may just be that I am Chicken Little and I immediately see that sky falling. But that is who I am.
So I go to this event with the intent of having some good quality mother/daughter time. You can never have too much of that. And with my daughter bordering on being a teenager, I don't want to let anything slip through the cracks. She is an awesome kid and an even better daughter. But I have so many folks try to squelch that with, "Just wait until they are _____ (fill in what ever age you see fit)." She is truly a great kid and a wonderful Christian young lady. I am so proud to be her mom. Immediately I recognize that Satan is trying to take that away. This was my weekend with her! She invited me to go with her. She WANTED to spend it with me! And I was letting a might be/could be/ but not definitely situation rob me of it. I wanted to see my husband. I wanted to hug him and hold him and have him tell me everything would be alright. That was the center of my thinking all that evening. And so Satan won my Friday night. I knew it. It broke my heart. I got home, fell into Steve's arms, cried and went to bed. What happened to this being the best 2 years of our lives? (That's what they tell you when you take squadron command).
Saturday was a fresh new day. It came early. We had to be at the church by 7 am. But some how, something was different. I was able to focus. I was able to hear God a little better. Oh, don't get me wrong. Satan still made his presence very clear. But God was clearer. And He was never more clear than when my beautiful daughter and I were finishing up dinner at Whataburger. We were gathering our things and she turned and said, "Thank you." I, of course, responded and she said," Not for the event, or then tote bag or the dinner and ice cream, but for being my mom." I was speechless. God Wins!!!! Big time!!! That was what the weekend was all about.
Now, it's Monday. And I am praying the Message version on Jeremiah 29:11: "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." So, is that why Steve fell off the roof 2 months ago? So that we could find the spot? Is that why we got an assignment to San Antonio because they have such a large military medical facility that can handle practically anything? And when you are active duty, you don't have to wait around on paper work? God knows what he is doing. And he is going to take of us. He is not going to abandon us.
Steve got a call to come in at 2 so they can discuss the needle biopsy procedure. I think I need to be there with him - even though he said I didn't.
Peace to all who read...
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