I'm parched

My "promise" to myself was to blog my Lenten journey....  Well, it has not gone anywhere NEAR as planned.  In fact, so much so, that I have not been able to even put it into words.

I have been angry, sad, confused, hopeful, peaceful and a myriad of plenty of other emotions.  I almost feel bi-polar.  I have so many folks in my life that have had their lives turned upside down. 

God is in this.  I just can't hear Him right now.  Too close to the noise of chaos, I guess.  Maybe that is why He wakes me up so early every morning, so that He can have me before the rest of the world.  But in the quiet of the living room, I am still not hearing Him.  Maybe I am not trying hard enough.  I don't know.

I do know this:  I don't understand it.  And I wish it was different.  It's not necessarily the best response, but it is the best I got.  Just when I thought I had God all figured out.  Just when I thought I knew all the right words to use when I pray.  Just when I thought I was doing all the bible studies I needed.  Just when it looked like all was right in my world... 

In other news....  It was a pretty good day.  Got a five mile run in, got some stuff done around the house and got some food prepped for Small Group tomorrow night.  I also went to Wal-mart for 5 items and barely got out of their with only spending $137! Yep...nothing is going as planned.

With everyday is fresh new hope that I can do this.....

Well, the drying process has begun...

But that's okay.

I am thankful for the early morning wake up (before the alarm) to get downstairs and have some quiet time before the "loud time." My chair, my blanket, my devotionals and my God. Pretty good quiet time if I do say so myself. Don't remember the last time I slept until the alarm went off. Guess God decided I needed a few more minutes in prayer.

Another good day in church this morning! In the words of my pastor, 'We look most like Christ when we serve." Have always loved the phrase... How shall I serve? Am beginning to question that a bit. Don't feel I am completely connected these days. Maybe my time in some of these areas of ministry are coming to a close... Love my church and love the Lord! Just wondering if I am in a season of transition. Well, if God is in it, I know it will be wonderful.

Am behind in my bible study homework - not cool. This means I will be rushing thru it for our final session on Wednesday. A small "squirrel" here - if you get the opportunity to participate in Beth Moore's James Study...DO IT!!! I hate that I let life get ahead of bible study.

So many things going on. So many decisions to make. Am trying desperately to hear that still small voice... Really needing Him on the loud speaker! I joke with a dear friend that I am reading "Jesus Calling...but I ain't listening." Not because I don't want to, but because I am not completely trusting. If I listen and fail to do His Will, then I have failed. BUT...if I don't listen then it's kinda like I was never told... and that works, right?

Hubby got home tonight from his ROTC trip to Notre Dame. I am excited that he has decided to take Monday off and be home with me. :-)

Tomorrow I get to start it all over again. One day at a time...

Here's hoping for rain...

And as quickly as the rains came...

The dry spell arrives.

I spent the last several weeks singing in the rain... now I am sitting in the scorching hot sun praying for rain.

I guess its times like these that I need to grab His hand and look straight ahead. Like a child that has been rambling in and out of trouble and sticky situations, my Daddy now has my hand and is asking me to go with Him (and to behave, but He says it much sweeter than that).

But can I do it? Can I grab ahold, hang on and know that the one who holds me, holds the future. One day. That's all I have to do. Just one day. Tomorrow will take care of its self.

I must have asked God for either patience, cuz He's giving me the opportunity to practice it. Or maybe I asked for peace. Not in the my world, but just peace...He's giving me the opportunity to look for it in all situations. I must be more specific.

My Lenten commitment was to blog/journal every day. Well, I'm batting 500! In baseball those would be great stats!

Other than the "rains" drying up, it's been a pretty good day. Got 6 miles in with Ray (of sunshine), got a bunch accomplished at the house and it looks like I can head to bed shortly. I can live with that.

Journey on my friends...

Time to pen my thoughts...

I know, I know.... it's been what, two years or there abouts???

Last night, the pastor at our Ash Wednesday service asked that if anyone was going to Blog their Lenten journey, let him know and he would post our blog address. Well, it's not that I want to share, but his mention of blogging our Lenten journey intrigued me. I tried journaling for a bit and it was nice, but... I stopped and have not picked it back up. Since I love my computer so much, I thought I would try again.

I am at the tail end of my Beth Moore James study. And according to her description, I am in a rainy season - that's good! I feel blessed beyond measure right now. I am desiring to be in His Word. I am loving my quiet time and my study time. I don't feel like my spiritual life is perfect...far from it. But I am in a season where I see my distance from perfection as a challenge that I welcome! Tomorrow could be a different story. But I can only work on today. Tomorrow will work on itself.

Wish me luck... :-)

Hey...anybody there????

Whew... I guess I can start blogging again. Not that I don't want anyone reading...if that were the case, I would just journal. But then you have the problem that you might be even more personal and graphic or too open about stuff in a private hand written journal and THEN you are killed in a tragic farming accident and THEN someone finds your journal hoping to find some wonderful insights for your eulogy. Well, then you open a whole new can of worms that you can't close because your dead. So I guess I will blog with the mindset of this: Those who mind what I write don't matter and those who matter don't mind what I write.

May I honor God in all that I say and do (and write). And that starts from my heart and my head. And as long as those two are in sync and trying to align with God's will, I should be okay! :-)

Since we last "chatted," so much has happened: Steve passed his 6 month post cancer check up with flying colors, Steve applied for and got accepted to be a College ROTC Commander (In Nebraska, no less), we became the parents of a teenager, we took the kids on a trip of a lifetime to Walt Disney World with some wonderful friends, celebrated the birth of our Savior, started a new year and Steve passed his 9/10 month post cancer check up, again, with flying colors. Now it's February and time seems to be flying at record speed. In just a few months we will be saying good-bye to the 331st TRS and an awesome command tour. And then heading to yet another command tour (kind of a rarity in Steve's career field) and thinking of settling down.

I have been wishing away my time and it has become oh so apparent in the last several weeks, thinking that each new wish/step would make things easier - I could relax. I started last fall by wishing to find out if Steve made ROTC command, he did. Then I wished to find out where we would be going and hoping it was to NE, we did and we are. Then I started house hunting on-line and wishing we could find a house, we go next month. And now, I keep telling myself, "If only the closing was behind us and the boxes were unpacked." God has been very active in all this...not by granting me my wishes like a fairy Godmother, but by showing me what I have been or will be missing if I don't live in the present. And I have missed a lot and yet I am not relaxed one bit. In fact, I think I am more spun up than usual! If worrying were a work out regimen, I would have to eat more to keep my weight up.

I guess I should start by getting my priorities in order. Okay - the beauty of a blog (or a journal) is that I can sit here for a minute, 10 minutes or 10 hours before I put the next thought on paper/screen. Unless I told you, you would never know. Well, now you know. Cuz that's what I am doing now. I am sitting here trying to figure out what I am REALLY supposed to be doing. What is my job/priorities and what are God's? And is it okay for me to be thinking of what God is or is supposed to be doing. Does that make sense? At what point am I no longer just sitting and taking all of God in? When is it okay to get up and do? God has a house out there for us, but at what point to make the effort to find it? He has the ability to drop it in our laps, but will He? Should I wait for that? At what point am I supposed to use the resources given me?

I guess if I get in the Word more, I might have those answers. Since I am not currently in a Beth Moore study, I find that I fall away from scripture... not cool. But I am thankful for the Andy Stanley series that we just finished in SS, I am thankful for Andy's downloadable sermons, I thankful for the new Galatians study we are doing, I am thankful for Pastor Craig's downloadable sermons and his bible challenges (reading about the 7 deadly sins) - all things that are pulling me back to the Word. And I am very thankful for my Thursday & Friday morning drives to the base. God & I have some wonderful conversations! Am also thankful for my bluetooth (it keeps me from looking like a babbling idiot behind the wheel of the car).

Well, I guess I need to go downstairs and read day 3 about envy. I really need that now.

Peace (and contentment) to all who read...

Just checking to see if you came back after my "political rant" yesterday...

...well, I guess you did.

Sorry about that yesterday. But it is amazing how your spirit can be dragged down by your environment. There are so many political polls on Facebook that are being filled out and posted. And almost everyone of these polls has an easy "yes/no" answer and a very mean spirited "yes/no" answer. And almost everyone I know has been picking the mean spirited one. I have yet to register my vote on any of them. I have definite opinions... but as a very wise friend of mine just recently said, " I would rather have relationships than be right." Not saying I'm right...just saying that the relationship is more important. Another very wise person (a dear young family member of mine) once said several years, in the middle of some tension among the cousins,"Can't we all just get along???" Out of the mouth of babes... to be that wise at that young of an age.

Last week I started a new Beth Moore study - Daniel. Whoa. This is going to be an amazing ride. You know it's a great study when you have to make yourself stop when doing the homework. I just devour her homework. Except during the Esther study... but my inconsistency in doing the work during that study I think was divinely lead. I needed certain words at certain times. And had I kept on schedule, I would not have heard those words when I most needed them.

Am feeling a little down right now. Not sure why. Maybe because I miss my husband and his schedule keeps him busier than I would like. Maybe because I miss my family in GA (and the surrounding areas). So much going on with them and I wish I was closer. Maybe because I miss my NE family and wonder if God has plans for us back there. Maybe because I am trying to tackle a fear that has consumed me most of my life, but is worse now than ever. So for that I continue to pray Psalm 34:4. I am afraid that the Lord will have me face it rather than remove it. Kinda like praying for patience... :-) So the words of a very old Amy Grant song come to mind. And in them I find comfort...


When all goodbyes
Are said and done,
And nighttime finds you home,
Are you all right
To spend a night
Of being all alone?

And do you hide
Between the lines
Of conversations past?
A wall of words,
A heart unheard,
That hides behind a mask?

I'm raining on the inside;
My heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

When friends who care
Can't be there
To ease away my pain,
And peace of mind,
It's hard to find,
Like sunlight in the rain.

God sees my heart,
The deepest part,
Inside this lonely me,
And reachin' in,
His love begins
To heal the heart in me.

I'm raining on the inside;
Oh, my heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

Sometimes we're raining on the inside,
And our hearts well up with tears that start to pour.
But when we're raining on the inside,
Let His cries of love break through,
Know that He loves you, once more....

Sometimes I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

Peace to all who read...

You know it's time to blog when....

...you find that you are talking out loud to...NOBODY and you agree with everything you say! :-)

Yes, it has been a couple of weeks. I felt sure that the minute the kiddos were out the door, I would be up here on the computer waxing poetic... :-) It has not been for a lack of stuff to write/talk about. I guess I am having trouble digesting some of what is going on around me.

Okay, I will go ahead and address something that has really had me sick to my stomach lately. I feel this is a safe place to "vent" per se. I am so saddened by all the ugliness that is being spewed from both sides of the political aisle... In fact, I did a "first" on Saturday because of it. I "de-friended" someone on Facebook. A guy I went to school with years ago (who is a former local pastor in the Methodist church - the reason he is a former is because he is now an atheist) wrote a very hurtful paragraph about those who may oppose the president's speech to school children. He called anyone who disagreed with him either crazy or racist. Wow. I spent most of my morning tying to figure out how I felt about that. At the time, the jury was still out for me on how I felt about my kids seeing it in school (little did I know that my school district would not be showing it). Not because I was afraid of what he might say. Far from it. President Obama has an incredible story to tell of being able to be anything you want to be if you stay in school and work hard. We have printed a copy of his speech and plan to record it today to show the children at a later time (our schedules don't have us all at home for a reasonable amount of time until at least Thursday). My concern comes from commentary that could "happen" after his speech, from the school leadership (i.e. teachers, principal). I don't want my child to be a witness to Obama bashing by a teacher that disagrees with his policies. I also don't want my child to have to be required to listen to the president being raised to messiah status. That's how I feel. Race or lunacy has nothing to do with it. When I wrote to this "friend" concerning his post (another friend of his vehemently disagreed with him as well), I told him that his blanket assessment of anyone who questioned the setting for the speech, was vicious. And that I could not understand how ANYONE on either side of this political issue can stoop to such a level. Well, after a little while, he posted that he MAY have been a little quick to use the word racist... Is that where we are headed? Say whatever comes out of your mouth with out thinking? Hurt whom ever you want in the name of free speech and political freedom? All of it turns my stomach! Unless you are Jesus, don't go into the temple and start tearing the place a part. It breaks my heart to see folks yelling and screaming at their Congressman at Town hall meetings. This is not what God intended for us to do. This is not how He expects us to act. We are to respect those that are put into authority over us. I cling to 1st Peter 2 right now. Maybe I am taking it out of context...maybe I don't really understand the meaning behind it, but I know what it says to me right now. It says that I am supposed to respect the government and revere God. Nuf' said.

Glad I got that off my chest. It has really been weighing me down.

God and I have been talking a lot lately. I know that if you ask God for patience He will give you opportunities to practice it. My prayer as of late, is to settle down. To quit moving. To buy a house, plant flowers and paint walls. To keep the same neighbors. To have our kids develop local relationships with kids. We are about 9-10 months out from our next move. It's at this time that I begin to get into "move mode." That means I starting getting rid of stuff that I don't want to move. It has always served me well. But I hate looking at some of my stuff and wondering, "Gee...will I have room in the next house for this?" Sadly, it seems my focus is on material things. I have great stuff. I love my stuff. A song on Christian radio says this," Have what you want, but want what you have." And I do. I know this is all very trivial and shallow. But I love entertaining others in my home. So I have stuff to do that. And I love setting a beautiful table for my family - I want them to realize that our mealtime is special. I know, I know...you can entertain with cots, sleeping bags and paper plates and plastic cups. But don't you enjoy "nice" things occasionally? Why does one go to a fancy restaurant? To be pampered. And I love providing that in my home. Is God trying to teach me to be hospitable in a more laid back way? Is He taking this opportunity to point out my Martha mentality? For those who know me, they now I LOVE to read. Right now, my heart is with a Guide Post Series called Grace Chapel Inn. It's kinda like the Mitford series, for those familiar with that. It is about three sisters that now live together after the death of their father. And they reside in the family home - a large Victorian home that has now been converted into a bed and breakfast. Why am I so wrapped up in this series??? Because they are in their home. They have their father's library and his desk (he was a preacher until the day he died at age 92). They serve food off of their mother's china and crystal. There is history there. Yes, I know...it's fiction. But I know so many folks that have the pencil markings in the laundry room that show how the kids have grown. I know plenty of folks that have trees and flowers that they saw from seeds and saplings. I want that. I have tried to reconcile some of this with God by saying, "I don't want a BIG house, just my house, for my family." I guess I feel like if I qualify it for Him that will make it all right. I want God's will for our lives. And I really hope His includes a home back in Omaha very soon... :-) Funny thing this praying for God's will... as much as I want my way, and as much as it will hurt initially if His will and my will don't match up, I love this feeling I have inside. As homesick as I get every time I chat or e-mail or facebook with those back in Omaha... then to pray to Him asking for His will and knowing that it may not include Omaha... I feel Him at work. And that is good. Very good.

So we sit and wait. Tomorrow is the day that the master ROTC list is decided, after that they begin matching up commanders with schools. Don't know if we will find out if we made the first cut initially or not. But I continue to pray... In that I cannot go wrong. In prayer, I am not the new person anymore...they know me there!


Peace (and comfort) to all who read...