Military by Marriage - my life as an AF wife.

Hey...anybody there????

2010-02-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

Whew... I guess I can start blogging again. Not that I don't want anyone reading...if that were the case, I would just journal. But then you have the problem that you might be even more personal and graphic or too open about stuff in a private hand written journal and THEN you are killed in a tragic farming accident and THEN someone finds your journal hoping to find some wonderful insights for your eulogy. Well, then you open a whole new can of worms that you can't close because your dead. So I guess I will blog with the mindset of this: Those who mind what I write don't matter and those who matter don't mind what I write.

May I honor God in all that I say and do (and write). And that starts from my heart and my head. And as long as those two are in sync and trying to align with God's will, I should be okay! :-)

Since we last "chatted," so much has happened: Steve passed his 6 month post cancer check up with flying colors, Steve applied for and got accepted to be a College ROTC Commander (In Nebraska, no less), we became the parents of a teenager, we took the kids on a trip of a lifetime to Walt Disney World with some wonderful friends, celebrated the birth of our Savior, started a new year and Steve passed his 9/10 month post cancer check up, again, with flying colors. Now it's February and time seems to be flying at record speed. In just a few months we will be saying good-bye to the 331st TRS and an awesome command tour. And then heading to yet another command tour (kind of a rarity in Steve's career field) and thinking of settling down.

I have been wishing away my time and it has become oh so apparent in the last several weeks, thinking that each new wish/step would make things easier - I could relax. I started last fall by wishing to find out if Steve made ROTC command, he did. Then I wished to find out where we would be going and hoping it was to NE, we did and we are. Then I started house hunting on-line and wishing we could find a house, we go next month. And now, I keep telling myself, "If only the closing was behind us and the boxes were unpacked." God has been very active in all this...not by granting me my wishes like a fairy Godmother, but by showing me what I have been or will be missing if I don't live in the present. And I have missed a lot and yet I am not relaxed one bit. In fact, I think I am more spun up than usual! If worrying were a work out regimen, I would have to eat more to keep my weight up.

I guess I should start by getting my priorities in order. Okay - the beauty of a blog (or a journal) is that I can sit here for a minute, 10 minutes or 10 hours before I put the next thought on paper/screen. Unless I told you, you would never know. Well, now you know. Cuz that's what I am doing now. I am sitting here trying to figure out what I am REALLY supposed to be doing. What is my job/priorities and what are God's? And is it okay for me to be thinking of what God is or is supposed to be doing. Does that make sense? At what point am I no longer just sitting and taking all of God in? When is it okay to get up and do? God has a house out there for us, but at what point to make the effort to find it? He has the ability to drop it in our laps, but will He? Should I wait for that? At what point am I supposed to use the resources given me?

I guess if I get in the Word more, I might have those answers. Since I am not currently in a Beth Moore study, I find that I fall away from scripture... not cool. But I am thankful for the Andy Stanley series that we just finished in SS, I am thankful for Andy's downloadable sermons, I thankful for the new Galatians study we are doing, I am thankful for Pastor Craig's downloadable sermons and his bible challenges (reading about the 7 deadly sins) - all things that are pulling me back to the Word. And I am very thankful for my Thursday & Friday morning drives to the base. God & I have some wonderful conversations! Am also thankful for my bluetooth (it keeps me from looking like a babbling idiot behind the wheel of the car).

Well, I guess I need to go downstairs and read day 3 about envy. I really need that now.

Peace (and contentment) to all who read...

Just checking to see if you came back after my "political rant" yesterday...

2009-09-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

...well, I guess you did.

Sorry about that yesterday. But it is amazing how your spirit can be dragged down by your environment. There are so many political polls on Facebook that are being filled out and posted. And almost everyone of these polls has an easy "yes/no" answer and a very mean spirited "yes/no" answer. And almost everyone I know has been picking the mean spirited one. I have yet to register my vote on any of them. I have definite opinions... but as a very wise friend of mine just recently said, " I would rather have relationships than be right." Not saying I'm right...just saying that the relationship is more important. Another very wise person (a dear young family member of mine) once said several years, in the middle of some tension among the cousins,"Can't we all just get along???" Out of the mouth of babes... to be that wise at that young of an age.

Last week I started a new Beth Moore study - Daniel. Whoa. This is going to be an amazing ride. You know it's a great study when you have to make yourself stop when doing the homework. I just devour her homework. Except during the Esther study... but my inconsistency in doing the work during that study I think was divinely lead. I needed certain words at certain times. And had I kept on schedule, I would not have heard those words when I most needed them.

Am feeling a little down right now. Not sure why. Maybe because I miss my husband and his schedule keeps him busier than I would like. Maybe because I miss my family in GA (and the surrounding areas). So much going on with them and I wish I was closer. Maybe because I miss my NE family and wonder if God has plans for us back there. Maybe because I am trying to tackle a fear that has consumed me most of my life, but is worse now than ever. So for that I continue to pray Psalm 34:4. I am afraid that the Lord will have me face it rather than remove it. Kinda like praying for patience... :-) So the words of a very old Amy Grant song come to mind. And in them I find comfort...

When all goodbyes
Are said and done,
And nighttime finds you home,
Are you all right
To spend a night
Of being all alone?

And do you hide
Between the lines
Of conversations past?
A wall of words,
A heart unheard,
That hides behind a mask?

I'm raining on the inside;
My heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

When friends who care
Can't be there
To ease away my pain,
And peace of mind,
It's hard to find,
Like sunlight in the rain.

God sees my heart,
The deepest part,
Inside this lonely me,
And reachin' in,
His love begins
To heal the heart in me.

I'm raining on the inside;
Oh, my heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

Sometimes we're raining on the inside,
And our hearts well up with tears that start to pour.
But when we're raining on the inside,
Let His cries of love break through,
Know that He loves you, once more....

Sometimes I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

Peace to all who read...

You know it's time to blog when....

2009-09-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

...you find that you are talking out loud to...NOBODY and you agree with everything you say! :-)

Yes, it has been a couple of weeks. I felt sure that the minute the kiddos were out the door, I would be up here on the computer waxing poetic... :-) It has not been for a lack of stuff to write/talk about. I guess I am having trouble digesting some of what is going on around me.

Okay, I will go ahead and address something that has really had me sick to my stomach lately. I feel this is a safe place to "vent" per se. I am so saddened by all the ugliness that is being spewed from both sides of the political aisle... In fact, I did a "first" on Saturday because of it. I "de-friended" someone on Facebook. A guy I went to school with years ago (who is a former local pastor in the Methodist church - the reason he is a former is because he is now an atheist) wrote a very hurtful paragraph about those who may oppose the president's speech to school children. He called anyone who disagreed with him either crazy or racist. Wow. I spent most of my morning tying to figure out how I felt about that. At the time, the jury was still out for me on how I felt about my kids seeing it in school (little did I know that my school district would not be showing it). Not because I was afraid of what he might say. Far from it. President Obama has an incredible story to tell of being able to be anything you want to be if you stay in school and work hard. We have printed a copy of his speech and plan to record it today to show the children at a later time (our schedules don't have us all at home for a reasonable amount of time until at least Thursday). My concern comes from commentary that could "happen" after his speech, from the school leadership (i.e. teachers, principal). I don't want my child to be a witness to Obama bashing by a teacher that disagrees with his policies. I also don't want my child to have to be required to listen to the president being raised to messiah status. That's how I feel. Race or lunacy has nothing to do with it. When I wrote to this "friend" concerning his post (another friend of his vehemently disagreed with him as well), I told him that his blanket assessment of anyone who questioned the setting for the speech, was vicious. And that I could not understand how ANYONE on either side of this political issue can stoop to such a level. Well, after a little while, he posted that he MAY have been a little quick to use the word racist... Is that where we are headed? Say whatever comes out of your mouth with out thinking? Hurt whom ever you want in the name of free speech and political freedom? All of it turns my stomach! Unless you are Jesus, don't go into the temple and start tearing the place a part. It breaks my heart to see folks yelling and screaming at their Congressman at Town hall meetings. This is not what God intended for us to do. This is not how He expects us to act. We are to respect those that are put into authority over us. I cling to 1st Peter 2 right now. Maybe I am taking it out of context...maybe I don't really understand the meaning behind it, but I know what it says to me right now. It says that I am supposed to respect the government and revere God. Nuf' said.

Glad I got that off my chest. It has really been weighing me down.

God and I have been talking a lot lately. I know that if you ask God for patience He will give you opportunities to practice it. My prayer as of late, is to settle down. To quit moving. To buy a house, plant flowers and paint walls. To keep the same neighbors. To have our kids develop local relationships with kids. We are about 9-10 months out from our next move. It's at this time that I begin to get into "move mode." That means I starting getting rid of stuff that I don't want to move. It has always served me well. But I hate looking at some of my stuff and wondering, "Gee...will I have room in the next house for this?" Sadly, it seems my focus is on material things. I have great stuff. I love my stuff. A song on Christian radio says this," Have what you want, but want what you have." And I do. I know this is all very trivial and shallow. But I love entertaining others in my home. So I have stuff to do that. And I love setting a beautiful table for my family - I want them to realize that our mealtime is special. I know, I know...you can entertain with cots, sleeping bags and paper plates and plastic cups. But don't you enjoy "nice" things occasionally? Why does one go to a fancy restaurant? To be pampered. And I love providing that in my home. Is God trying to teach me to be hospitable in a more laid back way? Is He taking this opportunity to point out my Martha mentality? For those who know me, they now I LOVE to read. Right now, my heart is with a Guide Post Series called Grace Chapel Inn. It's kinda like the Mitford series, for those familiar with that. It is about three sisters that now live together after the death of their father. And they reside in the family home - a large Victorian home that has now been converted into a bed and breakfast. Why am I so wrapped up in this series??? Because they are in their home. They have their father's library and his desk (he was a preacher until the day he died at age 92). They serve food off of their mother's china and crystal. There is history there. Yes, I know...it's fiction. But I know so many folks that have the pencil markings in the laundry room that show how the kids have grown. I know plenty of folks that have trees and flowers that they saw from seeds and saplings. I want that. I have tried to reconcile some of this with God by saying, "I don't want a BIG house, just my house, for my family." I guess I feel like if I qualify it for Him that will make it all right. I want God's will for our lives. And I really hope His includes a home back in Omaha very soon... :-) Funny thing this praying for God's will... as much as I want my way, and as much as it will hurt initially if His will and my will don't match up, I love this feeling I have inside. As homesick as I get every time I chat or e-mail or facebook with those back in Omaha... then to pray to Him asking for His will and knowing that it may not include Omaha... I feel Him at work. And that is good. Very good.

So we sit and wait. Tomorrow is the day that the master ROTC list is decided, after that they begin matching up commanders with schools. Don't know if we will find out if we made the first cut initially or not. But I continue to pray... In that I cannot go wrong. In prayer, I am not the new person anymore...they know me there!

Peace (and comfort) to all who read...

Well, we presented our case...

2009-08-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

...and we will see if it is in line with the Lord's Will.

On Thursday, Steve got in his car and drove across town to Randolph AFB and turned in his ROTC package. The "campaigning" is now over. Unless someone farther up the process gets involved. I have prayed about this for weeks now. We discussed our top 5 schools (have to rank them in your package) and we were pretty together on them. The final choice was: 1. UN Lincoln, 2. Auburn, 3. VSU, 4. UK Lexington & 5. Samford Univ. Our first choice was purely selfish: Love the Nebraska and want to get back there how ever we can. The next 4 choices were all "close to family." We could hear something as soon as Halloween or as late at March! The big schools go fast...it's the smaller schools that become harder to fill. Not sure what we will do if he is offered a school that was not on our list and not in an area where we want to go.

Then on Friday, AFTER he turned in his ROTC package, Steve's old boss from USSTRATCOM called and left him a message. He was wondering what Steve's "plans" were for next summer.. ugh!!!! So the prayers continue 10 fold! We want to be where the Lord wants us! Really! But the thought of going back to Omaha... I smile just thinking about it. Our friends, our church, my ladies Bible studies, the snow and the Huskers! We were in a similar situation several years ago. Steve got a call while at ACSC to be a DO. Cool! Awesome! Just what he wanted... but this job was a remote to Thule AB, Greenland. Not we had planned. And then he gets another call from the same guy telling us that another guy is also being considered for this job, so if it falls through for Steve, they have a deputy job back at Peterson AFB they will offer him. Gee...let me think about this... hmmm...a remote to Thule Greenland for a year or going back to Peterson AFB (WHERE I WANTED TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!)???? I cried and cried over this. But I finally, through the tears, realized that to be anywhere that was NOT God's plan was wrong. And to go back to Colorado when it was not in His will would make for a rough assignment. So, I told Steve that I would go (or stay as luck would have it) where the Lord wanted us. And so he went to Thule Greenland for a year, without us.

Again, I feel like we are at that same crossroad. ROTC would be really cool - if it's where we want to be (read: location). But a possible sure thing back to Omaha, whether or not it would be good for his career, makes me long for my NE "home." I don't necessarily feel like this is God testing me, but I think He would like to see my heart in the right place on this. What is motivating us? What is truly important right now? Is is Steve's career? Is it the thought of fullfilling a dream that Steve has always had? Are we trying to put our kids first and look at finally giving them so roots? Ultimately it has to be about pleasing God in all we say and do.

So now we pray for clarity. And wisdom. And selflessness. And wholeness. His ways are higher and grander than any thing we can ever imagine. And we must remember that in ALL things. It was not too long ago (January of 2008) that we felt coming to Lackland was a consulation prize, a "thanks for playing." Little did we know it was the grand prize! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Peace (and clarity) to all who read...

Some real enlightenment - for me, anyway...

2009-08-16T19:54:00.000-07:00

Many times I have wanted to post to my Facebook: Lonnie Orphan Gibson wishes things were different. For a variety of things, really. Not just for the better, just different. And then God shows up and shows me "different." And then I again become grateful for what I have and not for I wish I had.

We experienced that today. I/we have battled with decisions on how to treat our son's ADHD - Do we medicate him more? Do we medicate him less? Medicate him at all? Allow the school to "classify" him as such, thereby giving him some special help... Today I saw a family that is dealing with more than any 10 families together should ever have to deal with. God showed us what "different" looked like through the eyes of another parent. When we got home today, both Steve & I were speechless. How could we ever deal with all the pain and challenges this family has to deal with? And there is more to the challanges than just the child. This family is swallowed up in medical and "other" struggles. But I did not see this as God saying "See how bad you could have it???" Because I don't think God deals with us in those terms. I think He said to me,"Lonnie, this is what different could be."

Back when Steve was sick, I wanted it to be different. But if it had been different, I might have missed my "slow dance" with God. You know the one... where the spot light is on you. You are the only two out there on the dance floor and He holds you close like you were the only person in the world. He leads and you are swept off your feet...you feel like your floating. Gee, when you put it like that, who in their right mind would pass that up??? "Uh, no thanks, God. I need to go to Wal-mart." But God did not ask me if I wanted my husband to have cancer...He asked me if I wanted to dance. And we did.

As I look at the news and watch all that is happening, I wish things were different. I hate all the political ugliness. It comes from both sides. No one is immune to it. Democrat, Republican, white, black, old, young, men , women. But because of all this ugliness, I firmly believe that more people are on their knees for America than ever before. Why does it always take a crisis??? This week the Lord spoke to me about this in 1 Peter 2: 13-17: Make the Master proud of you by being good citizens. Respect the authorities, whatever their level; they are God's emissaries for keeping order. It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government. Who says the Bible isn't relevent??? Or timely??

Peace (& slow dancing) to all who read...

Gee...times flies when you are being Super Mom...

2009-08-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

Not!

Time flies when the kids are out for summer and you want to make the most of your summer vacation. Isn't that what being a stay-at-home mom is about? Doesn't one choose this life so that they can make memories with their children? Keep them safe and be there to help them make better choices? At least that is what the surveys tell us. But I know some stay home because financially it makes more sense. Some folks make just enough to cover the child care costs and put a wee bit back in their pockets. It's those folks that have decisions to make. Is the extra cash worth it...

The kids and I have had a blast this summer! Six Flags, SeaWorld, the movies, the swimming pool... And I am exhausted! I thank God every morning that I have this chance. I have awesome children and we have so much fun together. The 4 of us could ride down the SeaWorld's Lazy River (and the Six Flags equivalent) all day just hanging on to each other's tubes and relaxing. How many other folks can say that they feel the closest to God at an amusement park???

I didn't mean for my blogging to go by the wayside.... In fact, I thought about it often. But I guess this gives those folks who were just reading and looking at the train wreck (i.e. Steve's cancer - he's fine now, thanks!) a chance to move on. And it you have had the patience to wait out my sabbatical and are still with me, I hope that you will hold me accountable for my thoughts and prayers.

My quiet time has not been the best this summer. I allowed my "busy" schedule with the kids get in the way. And the fact that have not been involved in a bible study this summer. But then my pastor preached on having a Twitter relationship with God and our lack of spending quality time with the one person many say is THE most important person in our lives. So, I started getting back up around 6am, fixed my coffee and sat in my chair with my Bible and started reading random books in the New Testament. The little ones - 1st & 2nd Thess., Philippians and the like. I am now on James. I joked in my SS class that I felt like I was going thru someone's mail! And dear Ms Lana said, "Exactly!" :-) These books have really spoken to me.

Especially now. Steve & I are at a crossroads. A career one... And we are both pretty much on the same page, but are we together on the RIGHT page. We both feel that our time on the road is coming to a close. Our kids are older and what we do now really affects them socially and even more importantly, scholastically. If we follow the AF we will be in and around the DC area next year. If the kids were younger, I think we would be okay with it. But neither of us has EVER wished to live there and after chatting with a number of folks that have "escaped" the area, I am even more convinced that it is not what our family needs. Right now, we are really being pulled to go back to Omaha - for many reasons, really. We also feel a pull back to Colorado Springs. Both assignments would have us going back to churches we loved, friends we loved, and the reality of a retirement job there. Omaha has one thing that C-Springs doesn't - closer proximity to family. But to go back to Omaha may be the nail in Steve's military coffin. Colorado Springs would keep that alive a while longer. My prayer for the last several weeks has been for God's will. Really. But my second prayer has been the desire of my heart - to settle down and put down roots...to retire. And my third prayer has been for it to be in Omaha. In that order.

And yesterday God gave my some scripture that has helped tremendously.

Matthew 6:34 "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." The Message He has used the Message translation many times to speak to me.

Steve is currently submitting a package to apply to be an AF ROTC Commander at a college. One of the colleges that should be available next summer is Univ. Of NE at Omaha. So many things and people that will be important in this process are people or things from Steve's past. He has so many connections to the process. It all looked too good to be true. And I prayed for clarity in all of this. Everyday there was something new... Just a few examples - Steve's former Group Commander has some type of leadership role in the ROTC selection process. The UNO det. mascot is the Wolfpack! Just like his current squadron. He knows the current commander of this ROTC det. To be selected as an ROTC commander there is some 'campaigning' to be done. And Steve has some wonderful people in his corner, so it has been hard not to get our hopes up. But then... Steve called the squadron to talk to the current commander - he was on leave. But his second in command mentioned something about the current commander extending his command by a year. Not good.

This is why the above mentioned scripture has become so important to me. I am so worried and worked up over all this when I can attest to personally witnessing God making changes for our good. I guess I just needed a reminder. Thanks for your reminder (and your patience with me), God.

Peace to all who read...

I've been to the spiritual taxidermist!

2009-05-19T06:18:00.000-07:00

Okay - before I go any further, I need to make sure that I give credit for that analogy to my current pastor David Trawick. When he preached on this on Sunday, at first I had the "deer in the headlights" look (no pun intended). But then, my eyes were opened to the concept. And maybe more so because it was as if he were speaking about me.

I have spent so much time praising God for all the good in our lives - the big and the small. Answered prayer for Steve's healing and close parking spots on a harried day. And I would actively engage God when all seemed lost. And I was struggling to keep my head about water... But I never lost sight of God and His place in my life. It seems the extremes can bring out the best in a Christian. God wants us to come to Him, to cling to Him. The first person that many music artists give credit to on an album or upon receiving an award is God (whether they are a person of faith or not - I guess it's their way of being PC enough to get record sales). And on the opposite side of that joy, most of us run to God when we are scared and hurting. Even those that have had little to do with God or little acknowledgement of His power will find themselves, even briefly asking God for help. Why? There has to be something inside that says just maybe He is who He says He is. If not, they would be crying out to Barack Obama or George Bush or Oprah or Martha Stewart or Billy Graham in prayer. In the dark of their bedroom. On their knees. Okay, how many of you have, in your darkness hour, have fallen to your knees, wept uncontrollably and cried out, "Oh Oprah! Help me! I don't know where to turn! I'm scared!"

So why have I been to the spiritual taxidermist? Because in all the scariness of the cancer, I was on my knees before God. And in all the joys of healing I have danced before God. But in the mundane I am still trying to do it all myself. Inside I am not allowing God to do His work. We are possibly nearing the end of Steve's military career and some choices are going to be made. Instead of praying God's Will in all of this (and you would think that after all that has happened to get us where we are right now, praying God's Will would be a no brainer), I am trying to make the decisions for the rest of our lives. I am ready to "plant flowers and paint walls" (that's my way of saying retirement). But I am not allowing God to work in this equation, knowing full well that any "flowers" He plants are going to be bigger and brighter and more beautiful than any thing I could ever hope to plant. And any "walls" He paints are going to be more spectacularly done and with more ease than I could ever hope for. But yet, there I am doing the work of worrying and manipulating, trying to work it all out the way I want. A while back, I hurt someone and in turn it hurt me terribly. I went to God immediately. And I went again and again - for weeks. Just when I would think that I had completely given to God and He forgave me for my actions, I would pull it back and stare at it and cry all over again. I am still doing it. Even today I have cried over it. And that is keeping me from being the person God would have me to be.

I have a necklace that has become as priceless as any rare jewel to me. It was given to me 2 days before Steve's surgery. It says "Let Go! Let God." It is priceless for a several reasons: 1. The giver took time out her extremely busy schedule to select (not grab off a rack) but carefully select this gift for me. I say that because the store she purchased it in is not a "grab & go" gift/jewelry store. 2. When the purchasing and giving could have been a short and sweet sentiment, she added yet another wonderful God moment - she took it to our pastor to have it prayed over before giving it to me. And it stayed around my neck 24/7 until we got the pathology report back. It was like a 24 hour hug. Oh, I still wear it! Just not 24/7 3. The giver's family has become a real blessing to our family - a ray of sunshine in our time in San Antonio. And 4. The message: Let Go! Let God. That is so very hard. To show my "spiritual taxidermist" side I say that I am "meditating" on it. But in all reality I am holding on to it. Not "Letting go and letting God." It's my crisis or my hurt or my problem! If I let go then I am not taking responsibility for any of it. Holding on shows that I am taking ownership of it. To let it go means I don't care. With all the "letting go" and "holding on" I have done lately, I should have awesome upper body strength and toned triceps. Uh, not so much.

On the outside, I "look" like a Christian. I dress like a Christian. I listen to Christian music. I read books like a Christian (my bible, Beth Moore and many Guidepost Series). But on the inside I am just a mold or a form to hold up the outside. Whether its plastic, stuffing or marshmallow fluff , I am (at times) filled with stuff that just holds my outsides together. And on that day that we stand before the Lord, we will shed our "outsides" and only our insides will be on display for all to see. Not sure I am up for that yet. I am certainly a work in progress...

Peace to all who read...

My cousins are great role models!!!

2009-05-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

I look back over so many of my posts and I see "whining" written all over them. And if I knew I was whining early enough, I posted a "whining alert!" Whining is somewhat scriptural, isn't? Isn't that a little of what Lamentations is? In fact, in the LRE (Lonnie Revised Edition) there is actually an Ecclesiastes 3:8a: "...a time to whine and a time to get over it." For me whining is a way of crying out to God. He wants us to cry out. But He also (I think) wants us to get it out of our system and move on. He might have given us the gift of whining but He does NOT cater Pity Parties.

Okay, so what does the title have to do with whining? I have a cousin (and her hubby) that are currently on a path that they did not foresee. But their mindsets and attitudes amaze me! My cousin's husband lost his job. And if they had not shared that information you would never know. They live a life of gratitude. I know they are not perfect, and I am sure if you asked them, they would point out many of their flawed attempts at gratitude. But to see their facebook posts and to read their encouraging e-mails to us, you would never know. To hear that in his free time he is spending more time at the church and taking care of their son. Going on field trips and volunteering. Doesn't sound like whining or "woe is me" to me... This is so much like Beth Moore's "Okay what next?" moment, that I mentioned in my last post. God says, "You lost your job, what next? Okay, you made some very sound financial decisions to prepare for the coming months, what next? You are spending more of your free time serving Me and your family, what next? You have had a burden of unhappiness taken off your shoulders, what next?" I think that is why God had everything move so quickly for us. If had had time to really sit and think about all that was happening, I could have written my own book of Lamentations.

There are so many things about my life that I wish were different, but dwelling on them doesn't make it better. And I don't think that "wishing things were different" is inherently wrong, because you would not be moved to change if you were completely happy and satisfied in an unhealthy environment. But God wants me to be thankful IN all things not FOR all things.

I was NOT thankful FOR the cancer, but I AM thankful for friends IN the midst of it all.

I am NOT thankful FOR church politics (nothing in particular about any specific church), but I AM thankful to be IN a wonderful healing Sunday School class and past small group.

I am NOT thankful for the crime that takes place all around in San Antonio, but I AM thankful to be IN a wonderful neighborhood with such caring neighbors.

I am NOT thankful FOR the pulling up of roots every time this military family moves, but I AM thankful to be IN the military because of all the friends (who are now family) that we would not have in our lives otherwise.

I am NOT thankful FOR the buckets of $$ to fix our washer (could have bought new- but this whole cancer thing was front and center at the time and we needed a washer immediately), but I AM thankful that we had the money IN the bank to take care of it.

I was NOT thankful FOR the stress that is brought on by a family emergency and having more people under roof than usual, but I was thankful IN the commissary that I was able to go and be with my friends (my coupons and bargains), recharge my battery and lovingly take care of my wonderful extended family.

I am NOT thankful FOR having to watch every dime we spend, but I am thankful for being IN tune to all of our finances thereby allowing me to stay at home and spend more time with my family.

I am NOT thankful FOR being so far away from my family, but I AM thankful for being IN the most wonderful family that makes me want to be there for every little event (all your facebook posts make me miss you even more!)

My goal? To look at every negative and find the positive. You can't have one without the other...

Peace (and gratitude) to all who read...

Why???

2009-05-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

Above is the picture of a miracle. This is Steve leading his graduating flights in the weekly Airman's Run. This was April 30th - one day shy of 7 weeks away from his cancer surgery. I don't think I have been more proud of him, than I was at that moment. And then to have other commanders and staff run by and shout with a big grin, "He's running with us!" I must admit that eyes were sweating a little during that...must have been then heat. :-)

I don't want to beat the "miracle" aspect of this into the ground, but I am reminded daily that the outcomes are not always as happy as ours is right now. And I do know that our outcome can change any time. God is in control.

Today was one of those days when I was reminded of how cancer can devastate. When all this began with us, a CMSgt and his wife took it upon themselves to make sure that our meal needs at the house were taken care of while Steve was hospitalized. Our situation became very personal to them - the Chief had also been diagnosed with the very same cancer that Steve has/had. His prognosis was not as good, but currently God is choosing a path of healing for him. They had volunteers from all over. One of the volunteers was a MSgt & his wife who had been touched by cancer as well - the wife had been diagnosed a while back but was recovering. Well, the MSgt stopped by Steve's office today because he knew that Steve would want to know - her cancer was back and it was in her liver. There is nothing they can do. On Friday they have another appointment, hopefully they will get some sort of time line.

Why? Why does God heal some and not others? Will God stop Steve's cancer from coming back? If not, why? If so, why doesn't He do that for others? Why does there have to be cancer anyway? None of these questions really need answers. I recently read somewhere that many of the diseases and illnesses we suffer from are not created by God, but are the result of us taking His perfect world (Garden of Eden) and making it imperfect. And those imperfections are unhealthy and there for we are paying the price. Why can't He just wave His hand and make it all better? Cancer is never pleasant. Even in the smallest cancers and easiest of recoveries there are tears and pain. Steve's cancer was as brief as it could be - but we were still terrified. He still hurt tremendously after surgery. And we will still look over our shoulder for the rest of our lives. so, for this family on base that is beginning a very painful process, I pray for peace. For comfort. Does knowing you have a limited time left on earth make the pain less because you know the end is in sight? Or does it seem more intense because it is all you know and it's the final hurdle you have before ultimate healing? When Steve called to tell me about this family, I stopped and prayed for peace. But I also prayed for comfort, for them to be able to spend these last weeks or months together in the most comfortable way possible without the help of pharmaceuticals to cloud their memories.

I am still trying to get back into the swing of things. I think Steve has had an easier time transitioning than I have. Today, I tackled the office. There were stacks and stacks of papers that have need to be filed for the last 2 months. Well, I finally sat down and started through it. And again I was reminded of where we have been. I found the referral to pulmanology when all this got started. I found pre-op paperwork. I found post-op paperwork. And I found the card for 2 North Surgical Intensive Care Unit. It has the numbers I called at night when I got home from the hospital to let Steve's nurse know that I had gotten home safely. And the number I called 1st thing in the morning to find out how his night went (since his night nurse would be gone by the time I got there in the morning). It was wrinkled from being pressed in my sweaty palms for days. It was my connection to Steve when I could not be by his side during the worst of it.

I am thankful for these moments. I don't want to ever forget where we were. Or who got us through it. During one of the later sessions of Beth Moore's Esther study, she talked about being in place where she felt like it was a bad as it could get. She cried out to God and He said to her, "Okay, so then what...?" Meaning - say the worst possible scenario comes true...then what? She talked about how she would slowly put her life back together and God kept saying to her,"Okay, then what?" Never once did she mention God not being a part of her life. Never once did she mention that life would end for her (although it might feel like it). She would take small steps and God would be with her. Many of the questions that were asked during this study asked things that had you focus on "the worst possible scenario." And of course my worst possible scenario is life without Steve. Now, it's important to note here that I purposely did not see Life without God a possible answer here. Not that my faith is that amazing or anything, but I can honestly say that I never questioned God presence or lack of presence during all of this. I cried out to him from the very beginning. I got angry with Him. But I never doubted His love for me. I just thought He has a strange way of showing it. But God showed up in the most unlikely of ways and the most unusual places (see my God sightings if you question any of this) immediately! Please don't misunderstand - if the cancer comes back and God does not intervene in some earthly way (healing him again or allowing the second coming), I will be devastated! I will be angry. But when I am done, God will still be there. Ready to help me pick up the pieces and continue the life that He has planned for me. I am not planing my husband's funeral here... just the opposite. I can't imagine life with out him! But it is so easy to give God the praise and the glory when we receive healing. And it is so easy to go to God on behalf of others when you feel like your had your prayers answered and theirs are not. Our God is a great and wonderful God. And He does not want to see His children suffer. And knowing that gives me some peace because our family had their prayers answered the way we wanted them. I pray now that I am able to come before God with an attitude of gratitude. And that I am able to pray for others who suffer. That my prayers for them not be "thankful for our situation" but focused entirely on their situation and their suffering. Prayers for the same mercy He showed us.

I'm still tired. Don't know when that will change. I think maybe I'm just ready to retire. Another situation that is beyond my control... healing, Steve's military career... Will somebody wake me up when it's time to move??? :-)

Peace to all who read...

Okay, what now?

2009-04-27T07:26:00.000-07:00

This last 8 weeks seem like some kind of weird dream (and at times a nightmare). But when I look at Steve, I wonder, "What just happened?" Does he/did he really have cancer? I look at out lives right now, in this very moment and it seems like everything is like it was back in...let's say...October, I guess. None of this was even close to being on the radar. We happily motored along, doing what was expected of us: Kids went to school, I did my stay-at-home mom things and Steve commanded a squadron. To look at us right now, you would once again see just that. And in fact, there are some folks that still don't know. Not because we kept it a secret, but because we told as many as we could, but moved on to the recovery portion as soon as we could. I will mention the cancer in passing (thinking that they know) and I will get the oddest looks. I then realize and say something like, "Oh, didn't you know that Steve briefly had cancer?" And then I get even odder looks. I love it!

But what now? As scared as I was for so long, I never felt closer to God than I did during all of that. I felt His presence in EVERYTHING! And I know He is still in EVERYTHING for me, but I just don't see it as well now. You know how the moon is always out. And if you look really hard in the morning sky, you might be able to see it? Just a small white circle or crescent that is barely visible in the day light. But at night...wow! In the dark, the moon lights up the whole sky! And if you really want a good view of all the Heavenlies, you drive out away from town, away from all the city lights so that everything in the night sky becomes clearer? That's where I am right now. When it was the darkest it could possibly be, God lit up my world! You couldn't miss Him. But now that my world is not so dark, He seems to be harder and harder to see with the naked eye. But that is not His problem, it's mine. I am not looking hard enough right now. At the bottom of my "cancer hole" that only way to look was up. I couldn't miss Him. But now that I am back on flat ground, there are so many things around me to take my eyes off Him . So many different directions. So many things that are begging for my attention. I never want to be in that hole again, but I also don't want to lose that blessed tunnel vision I required to get out of that hole.

Steve is doing fabulous. Hopefully he will run with the soon-to-be graduating Airman this week. He has done some exercising in the last few weeks, but running has hurt a little, so he has not pushed himself as much as he could in that area. We don't go back to the doc again until June. He will have a base-line CT scan around the 13th of June and then we will see the doc sometime just after that. He will be followed every 3 months for the first 2-3 years and then every 6 months until he hits the 5 year mark. Then every year. Wow...did all this really happen? Steve got the opportunity to write a letter to someone going through the same thing. Our SS teacher is a part of a Christian fellowship that gathers and prays at work. Well, one of the worker's non-smoking mother-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer. Chris asked Steve if he could write her a note of encouragement. And he did - last night. What started out as a card became a several page letter. How can you some up what you went through in just a few words on the inside of a Get Well card? You can't, not really.

I think this week everything starts new. Steve is back at work. Fiesta is behind us. And my wonderful wonderful Esther Bible study draws to close. What happens next is up to me. God is not moving away. He will be right where He has always been. Do I make Him my life preserver and have Him snugly strapped to me all the time? Or do I wait to fall out of the boat and reach for Him to keep from drowning? The choice is up to me.

Peace (and tunnel vision) to all who read...

Picture of health!

2009-04-27T07:05:00.001-07:00

Here are a few pictures of hubby! Since I can't seem to figure out how to label them individually, I will just tell you about each of them here:

1. 1 week and 1 day post-op: Pinewood Derby, his goal to getting out of the hospital.

2. Less than 2 weeks post-op: NCO Academy Graduation Dinner - one of his MTIs was graduating and he took it easy all day to make sure that he could be there!

3. About 5 weeks post-op: 2nd day back at work - He looks great!

The longer you wait, the harder it is to post...

2009-04-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the sabbatical. Not my intent. But my "creature of extreme habit" personality got the best of me. I LOVE routine! And about 6-7 weeks ago my days went something like this: Get up around 5:30am, read the paper & have my coffee, start waking up kids at 6, have everyone gone by 8 and have the house to myself. I then would spend about an hour with God doing a number of things: praying, reading scripture, doing my bible study or blogging. And yes, blogging is a form of prayer and conversation with God for me. But all of that can only happen when I am alone. I am not able to whip out my bible study or bible and in the middle of a crowd. Having full length conversations with God at a Burger King, just ain't happening. No embarrassment or anything like that. And I am not shy about my faith, but my time alone with God is very private - I don't like to do it in front of anyone. I don't like to discuss things of a Spiritual nature as they are happening (usually) because my mind takes time to process this stuff. I am a slow learner. And I don't want anyone else's ideas or thoughts (at that time) to influence what I think God is telling ME. And I am oh so easily influenced. Now, give me some time to sit and think, and I can chat all day about what God is doing in my life. That's why I love to blog (when I do it :-) ). Most of you have no idea how long it takes me to write an entry. Two paragraphs can take over an hour some times, because I stop, read what I wrote, read it again, think about it, ask God if I'm an idiot and then erase the whole thing and start over. And some days, I just type away as God is talking to me. Right now, I am at about 45 minutes for this little dissertation... all that to say:

Steve started back to work yesterday! My routine is back! And I am loving it. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have Steve home all the time. I would just have to revamp my routine, but I would love it. It feels so good to have my time alone with God again.

Steve is doing fantastic! To look at him, you would never think that he recently had a large portion of his lung removed. Okay, it was only a 1/3 of his lung, but I think ANY removal of any part of a major organ is large.

Well, I am cutting this short today as I am headed out to a Holocaust Remembrance Luncheon at the base. Steve's Group Commander is the speaker. He (I think) has his doctorate in German history - should be VERY interesting!

Peace to all who read...

Our first follow up and more God sightings!

2009-03-31T05:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had our first follow with the surgeon. He was very pleased with Steve's progress and told him that he was allowed to do as much cardio as he could handle - but he was still restricted in the lifting department and still no driving. The muscles that were cut to remove the diseased portion of his lung take quite a while to heal. The doc let us look at the chest x-ray they took yesterday and he compared it to the chest x-ray the day before surgery. The remaining portions of his lung are already growing and filling the void left by the surgery. We go back to the surgeon in 2 weeks. Then begins the forever regimen - Every 3 months for the first 2 years, every 6 months for the next 3 and then once every year... And on Thursday we have our first (and maybe our only) visit with the oncologist. The typical course of treatment for the stage of Steve's cancer is surgery and nothing else. Although Steve has said that if they give him the option, he will take the chemo as a preventative measure. We got a copy of the path report that explains why chemo may not be an option - the mass was only 2.1 centimeters instead of the original measurement of over 3! They really could not have caught this any earlier! It was such a positive visit.
I wish everyone to this hospital could have a positive visit. Our time of uncertainty and fear may be coming to an end, but for so many of the young men and women we see at BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center), theirs just continues. As we are celebrating a great report, many of these young people are hoping that they can ease back into society with prosthetic limbs, skin grafts that cover most of their bodies and mental anguish that may never go away. And yet some, with prosthetics are trying to figure out how to get back to the desert to do what they were trained to do. It makes this whole cancer thing feel very trivial. Sure puts things in perspective for me...
I mentioned more "God sightings..." God looks like a mother/mother-in-law that showed up the day after we scheduled surgery and took care of her grandchildren like nobody's business. God looks like a brother/brother-in-law that showed up a week ago and has fixed EVERY broken thing in our house and done more yard work than we have done since we have been here. He was also joined by above mentioned mother in replanting and repairing all of our flower beds! The neighbors have been by to complain that we were making their yards look bad. And God also looks like those same neighbors that rang our doorbell yesterday evening to tell us that the 20 or so bags of yard waste would not be picked up by the trash collector. So they began to rally all the surrounding neighbors and their trash cans and began filling them up with our yard waste. How cool it was to see them walking door to door and calling those they had numbers for to enlist their help. God looked down on Bent Willow yesterday evening and smiled.
And God looks like the families of the other Squadron Commander's that have been bringing us meals. I never realized how much we needed that. The physical part of Steve's recovery has been going smoothly and rapidly, but the mental recovery (for both of us) is just beginning. My head is still spinning with all that has happened that I have not had the energy or the desire to get into my kitchen. And usually cooking is very therapeutic for me. I miss it, but my heart is not there right now. Another commander's spouse called me while I was at the commissary (I had to take Steve to work for a few hours - don't ask, just another reason we have not mentally begun to repair). I told her that being at the commissary, alone and with my coupons was wonderful. It was the first "normal" thing I have done in over 3 weeks. Every meal/event/car ride has had some connection to the surgery and the cancer. EVERY thing. So to be in the commissary with my beloved coupons and figuring out the bargains felt so good. That's really sad isn't it. I will never take the mundane for granted again.
I think the chaos and the mundane work together in God's perfect plan. We need those moments of tightly clinging to the Lord for protection. It is only then in the mundane that it feels so good to let go, spread our arms wide and soak up His goodness. I am reminded of the old Nestea commercials. The ones where folks gulp down a glass of tea and fall back into the water. I think that is what God needs from me right now. To take big gulps and drink Him in and then be so relaxed and at peace that I just free fall back into His arms KNOWING that He will catch me.

Peace (and Spiritual Nestea moments) to all who read...

Finally! A few minutes to myself...

2009-03-23T06:14:00.000-07:00

The kids are in school, my mother-in-law is getting herself ready for the day and Steve is sleeping in - as he should be. And all is right with the world. Okay - all is always right in God's world, I can just see it through his eyes today.

Steve is doing wonderful! If you did not know him and what he had been through for the last 2 weeks, you would have no idea that he had a cancer diagnosis and major surgery. But walk around with him for a few minutes and you will see this physically fit guy get winded going up stairs or just walking around. We both know that this will pass, but it hard to see him struggle with the simplest of destinations. As you may have read, in my previous post, we got the best news we could have ever been given! He may, in fact, now be a cancer survivor at this point! They got it all, it did not include the lymph nodes and it was found at an earlier stage than they first diagnosed! It was still cancer. And it was still bad - in the words of our surgeon "Lung cancer is a bad cancer to get." And he will carry this diagnosis with him for the rest of his life. And it will change the way his health care management is handled. And it will change the way we look at the rest of our life.

Everything in the last 60 days has pointed to the scripture Jeremiah 29:11. Not to beat a dead horse here (for those who have been following my blog), but that verse and the meaning behind it have appeared at the most appropriate and least expected moments. Some folks know that I have been praying that scripture since this all began and some had no idea. And those who had no idea would send something with that on it. In fact one card we received, had a beautiful inscription and lovely verse on the inside, but it wasn't until I turned the card over to the back (not sure why I did) that I noticed in small print the quote from Jeremiah. Steve & I have spent our lives grading his career by military standards (certain job placements and exposure meant that you were on the right track for excelling). And when certain things didn't come through, we would grade his career against others and ask, "Where did we go wrong? What could we have done different?"

In earlier post I said that I wanted to help God in the plan for mine and Steve's lives - help smooth the path, since I obviously know what makes us happy and fulfilled. I wanted God to let me in on the planning, give me a peak at what was to come. I feel like this whole scenario was just that. No, He did not give me a peak at the end of the story, but he did give us little glimpses along the way to quiet our Spirits. In fact, the night before surgery, as Steve was getting done with his pre-op shower, we were talking. And he looked at me and said, "I don't think God would have brought us this far and this way to have the cancer take me." And I believe him.

Even in all this, I still find ways to be amazed at God's timing. Most folks know that our move from Nebraska was very difficult for me. I attended an wonderful Wednesday morning Gretna Bible study (Amy - tell everyone how much I miss them!) that regularly did Beth Moore Studies. I miss that group so much - they were a neat bunch of ladies that welcomed anyone from any church! Oh, let me clarify - this was not the church we were members of. And it was quite a drive every Wednesday to go. But that was my quiet time with God. I did a lot of praying then. So when I heard that they were doing the Esther Study at the start of the new year, I was so jealous. Yep, I said it - jealous. And then I heard that my mother-law was starting it right after them at her church. I was getting ready to check out Beth's website because she has a listing of churches that register to do her studies, when I saw an announcement in our bulletin that we were starting this study in February. The Gretna group is already done (I think) and my mother-in law is almost done (1 more week I think) because their schedules were never compromised due to Spring break and Ash Wednesday services. But ours was. We are only on week 5 at this point. But oh, my how the schedule has blessed me. Even my slacker days (where I did 2 lessons at once because my head wasn't in it prior to then) were exactly what I needed at that precise moment. One Sunday afternoon, I sat outside in the garage while Steve was washing his car (with all that had been going on, I needed to be with him when ever possible - I did not want to take any moment for granted). I took my Study with me. I was working on day 2 of week 3. I got all the way to the last question in the lesson when I was pulled away to meet a new neighbor. I put up my book, with the intent of reading the last 2 paragraphs when I did day 3. And so the next morning, after the kids got off to school I opened my study to finish. Now, understand this -we knew that a bronchoscopy was happening this week and a possible needle biopsy after that, if no results could be determined from the 1st procedure. Here is a portion of what was in the last 2 paragraphs, "Every man-scheduled date subjected upon one of His children is written, not just on a doctor's calendar, a hospital's calendar or a trial judge's calendar. It is written on God's. For each person given one year to live, trust that time is God's alone to give." I stopped and stared wide-eyed at what I had just read. Then the tears flowed...in buckets! How could God use these words now? This was not what I needed to hear right now. Ordinarily, I would have shut my book and found something else to do. I could not handle this! But, not this time. I guess I felt like a glutton for punishment. So I moved on to day 3. At the bottom of the first page of this chapter Beth talks about how Satan's most effective tactic is to trap us in mental torment - fear! She then asks, "What situation most recently tempted you toward mental torment?" I needed both of those parts of the lesson together in that way on that very day! If I had done the lessons as planned, I would never have been moved as I was that day. The week prior, when I should have been doing the homework, we were still waiting on the 2nd ct scan. We were still positive that it was nothing but infection and the results of the ct scan would show it! But as we sat waiting for the next test to happen Satan tried to use Beth's interpretation of God's Word against me. But God allowed a little interruption in my "perfectly planned" Sunday afternoon to continue His even more perfect plan. Now fast forward a few weeks as I am catching up on the study I have missed due to surgery and such. It's week 4, day 4 and chapter titled. "For Such a Time as This." As I read the lessons and answer what questions I can (again,, I am tired and my head ain't quite in it) I read," Not only are you royalty but you also have been placed in your sphere of influence, regardless of the size you perceive it to be, 'for such a time as this.' Ecclesiastes 3:2 tells us there is 'a time to be born and a time to die.' God cut out those exact perimeters for you and me on the kingdom calendar so that we would be positioned on earth right now. Likewise, Acts 17:26 tells unflinchingly that God 'determined the times set for [us] and the exact places that [we] should live.' You see, even your current location is part of the set-up for your kingdom destiny. As we learned in one our earliest verses on providence in this series, in Christ, 'we are also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works everything in conformity with the purpose of His will' (Eph 1:11)..." Even my taking this study when I did was in His perfect plan. I needed those words and moments listed above at just the time I received them. Had I taken this study at any other time. I don't know that I would have gotten it. God even allowed my being a slacker at my homework to work in his favor! And those of you who know me, I am never a slacker when it comes to Beth's homework. I love her homework!

Oh, the God moments. I pray that I continue to praise His name in the good and the bad. I pray that I do not lose this feeling, this place, this moment with God.

Peace to all who read...

A Real quick update!!!!

2009-03-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

1st - We are home!!!

2nd - He feels really good, just sore.

3rd - drum roll please....the Doc just called (at 8:30 at night!) to tell us he got the path report: All lymph nodes are negative! The cancer has been reclassified from a 1B to a 1A!!!!!!

Praise God!!!!

Peace (and JOY!) to all who read...

I'm tired...but it's a good kinda tired.

2009-03-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

Picture this: You are in a hospital room with your 41 year old non-smoking husband who had lung cancer surgery. You leave thinking, "This has been one of the best days we have had in over a month!" It truly was. He was Steve again. His personality was back. He was smiling, joking with the staff, shaving and begging to be taken on walks because he was getting bored and tired in his room. So we walked and walked and walked. It was wonderful, except for all the medical equipment that we have to drag along to include nursing staff - knocks the romance right off the moment. :-) But who cares. He wanted to be out. When lunch rolled around he did not want anything off the hospital menu, so I went to the cafeteria down stairs, had subs made for us and got chips. And there we sat in room 6 of 3 North. He in his recliner, me in a chair opposite of him with his hospital tray between us covered with our lunch. And then we held hands and he blessed it. It was the first normal moment we have had in weeks. Who knew one could have such a wonderful lunch date in a hospital room! It was better than any meal shared anywhere else (other than pizza movie night with the kiddos - which will hopefully be right around the corner). If all goes well, he will have his chest tubes out tomorrow and can come either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday morning.
But, oh the things I take for granted. I had reality slap me in the face yesterday. Yes, he had a much better day, but he still wasn't Steve. And at the end of the evening when he lay in his bed exhausted from all his work, he looked so vulnerable and weak. All I wanted to do was crawl in the bed next to him and snuggle - something we have not done since we woke up on Friday morning. It was then I remembered a conversation earlier in the day about borrowing a recliner for the house (it's here now). He would not be in the bed with me. Getting him home is not going to erase what we have gone through. I spent my entire ride home from the hospital last night crying my eyes out to a friend in Nebraska about how ungrateful I was being. A week ago all I wanted was for the Pet Scan to be clear. It was. We celebrated. Then it was all I wanted was for the surgery to be successful and Steve to come through it alive and well. Got that too. Apparently not enough for me though. Then all I wanted was to bring Steve home. Some how it seemed to me that bringing him home made it all go away. But as I saw him there in that bed in pain, I knew that even at home life would not be normal for a long while. And as I told him, " I just want it to be 6 months ago when it seem that all was right with the world." And his reply was, "Or 6 months from now when it will all feel right again." I am not very good at living in the moment (as someone on line or in an e-mail instructed me to do). I want to read to the end of the book. I want to know NOW that the good guy wins. And wins the way I want him too. I continue to ask God for peace and He continues to give me small victories to have peace with, but I want the big ones. And I want them now. As I pouring out my heart last night, I told my friend that I knew we needed to make this journey and we needed to make it in God's time. To speed it up or to skip portions of it means to skip the blessings He has in store for us. Like my lunch date in Steve's hospital room. My father-in-law told me that when we get to the other side of this, we will be changed. And I truly believe that. I am looking forward to the person God is making us to be in all this. To be remolded and shaped is a painful process, but so is training for the Boston Marathon (like our nutty pastor back in Nebraska - still haven't figured that one out). And so is bending to His will. It makes me think of the scripture in Malachi 3 -"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." A story is told of a women's Bible study that were puzzled by this verse so that asked a silversmith what it meant to refine and purify silver. The silversmith tells the ladies of how he has to sit in front of the fire with the silver in the hottest part to burn away the impurities. But that he has to take it out at just the right time or it will be destroyed. When asked how he knew when it was fully refined, he says "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it." God did not throw us in the fire. He is holding tightly to us and making sure that we are not destroyed and that we come out on the other side of this better than when we went in - seeing His image in us.

Peace to all who read...

Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning

2009-03-16T04:41:00.000-07:00

I called the hospital this morning at 5:45am to get update before shift change at 7am. According to his nurse, Joel, he had a fantastic night. Yes.... Hadn't had one of those yet.

While we were still in ICU I was constantly reminded of our blessings (really great doctors, nurses, and friends). But I was also remind that our bodies are only temporary and that we are just passing through. When Steve became a little more awake in ICU, the nurse asked if he would like to watch tv, but she would first have to find a remote control - there apparently was only one in the unit. When I asked why, she said that she was sure that there were more at one time, but that as they got lost there were in no hurry to replace them, because many of her patients were never in any shape to watch tv. Whoa. And as I would leave the unit in the evening, I would see patients in other rooms that were on the last leg of their journeys while Steve, on the other hand, is trying just to clear a hurdle on his. Many of these folks and had few, if any, visitors. While Steve had many folks, stopping by very briefly, to show that they cared. Not a comparison of "popularity," just a real wide eyed look at where we are on our journey right now.

Yes, yesterday was rough, but at the end of the day, he was getting better. And his mindset was better. Today maybe rough too, but he is alive and on the mend (despite his attitude). And for that we are blessed. He is surrounded by people who love him -that are cheering him on.

Well, I better close and get ready to go... prayers that he is ready to help in his recovery today. God is good, all the time...

Peace to all who read...

Too tired to think straight...

2009-03-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

Just a real quick update:

Got home from the hospital about a half hour ago. Let's just say that he had a better night than he did a day. It was rough. He just did not seem to want to participate in his recovery today. And there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. He was miserable most of the day. The good news out of all of this, is that he is out of ICU. They moved him to what they refer to as a Step Down Unit - Not quite so Intensive Care Unit. He did many of his tubes removed - we are down to one IV, 2 chest tubes & and the epidural. But I think he turned a corner tonight. I will try and get up tomorrow morning and post more, I am just way to tired to put together a complete sentence right now. But here is praying that we are on our way forward and not back!

Peace (and rest) to all who read...

Good Morning!

2009-03-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is!

Sorry about the awkward posts yesterday. My iphone would not let me type in the body of the post, just the title. Go figure.

Well, I was kicked out at around 9 last night. Okay, kicked out is a little strong, they were going to allow me to stay a little past visiting hours (9am-9pm) but since they were NOT allowing me to stay the night. Not happy about that, but what are you going to do.

As most of you know, his surgery went VERY well. They think they got it all and the margins were clean and defined. When someone complained of how dreary and yucky our weather was, I said, "On the contrary, this is the most beautiful day we have ever had in San Antonio!" And it was (and still is).

The first few hours in ICU were rough - they could not manage his pain! It was awful. But after several drugs and an adjusting to the epidural, we had a couple of great hours. So good in fact that when the doc (who has a Greek first name - Petros) came in to check on Steve, Steve said, 'Hey Pete, what's the skinny?" He does not go by Pete. :-) But alas, those hours came to an end and he require much more medication and he did a lot of sleeping - not a bad thing though. When I left, he was ready to call it a night and I turned off all the lights and went home.

I called his nurse this morning, and he a great night and was just then sitting up in a chair. Yea! The first step to getting out of the ICU and moving to the "step down unit" AKA NSICU - Not so intensive care unit. But it's not a regular ward either. Better nurse to patient ratio.

Will post as I am able. I was way to tired to even think of trying to formulate sentences last night. I may post real quick "title" updates, during the day today. But don't quote me on that.

All your prayers have definitely been felt through this process. I will tell you that we have not missed an opportunity to share how God's hand has been in this. In fact, it is really pretty easy. Every one's first question is usually, "So how did they find this cancer?" And then we start with, "Well, I fell off the roof taking down Christmas lights..." And then we give them the background of how we even got to San Antonio to begin with. It's pretty smooth, actually.... :-) Even God's perfect plan included witnessing opportunities! Yea God!

Well, gotta run. Long day ahead of us. But I am excited to get back up there and see Steve! Keep those prayers coming for ALL of us.

Peace to all read...

Having trouble posting - he's out, they got it all! And the margins are clean !!!

2009-03-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

Update!!!

2009-03-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

A celebration in Texas tonight!

2009-03-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

How do I even begin? Every post since this ordeal started has been a cry from the heart. Tonight it is a cry of a different kind. We got the PET Scan results - and they were awesome! Okay, yes he still has cancer, but there was NOTHING new on there. No abnormal activity! Nothing to indicate there was anything else going on!!!!! Ever medical person we saw today (after the results were posted to his computer file) were celebrating with us! The only tears I shed today were tears of joy.

It does not take a CSI to see the fingerprints of God all over this one. I eluded to messages of hope over the last week or so. But to be honest, I did not want to believe them. I am hoping, praying and CLAIMING a complete cure for the love of my life. My heart did not want to accept anything less than that. And I still don't. But I know God's plan is perfect. End of story. I think I am starting to believe... It started when (as I mentioned in an earlier post) I was looking for a scripture to use in my Beth Moore Scripture memory group. And low and behold, the Lord gave me, not what I was looking for, but what I needed. I left the house, right after that, to go be an escort for a member of Steve's staff that had a medical appointment. I grabbed the book I was reading and the next in the series (just in case I finished the first) and headed out the door. When I got to the hospital, I noticed the title of what I was reading "Test of Faith." Hmmm... interesting. It's just a cutesy Guide Post Series, so the titles are kind of irrelevant to me. They are feel good stories. But then I looked at the title of the next one - "The Best is Yet to be!" That Robert Browning quote was spoken about us on our wedding video by Steve's mom. Yes, I cried. Been doing a lot of that. So I sat down and started reading while Tina was in her appointment and there in the first couple of pages was a portion of the scripture I had been looking for. The character in the book cries, "Kate, get a hold of your self. God did not give you a spirit of fear!" Whoa. It was like a gift from God. I know, it's just a quote. But I really felt like God kept me from finding it so that He could give it to me personally. It's great to work for something, but isn't it wonderful when someone, out of the blue, just gives it to you, no strings attached? That scripture meant so much more that way. On Thursday night, when we knew were going in to get results the next morning, I pulled out a book by Beth Moore called "Jesus Day by Day." I had picked it up at Family Christian one day (it was on sale) and thought, "It's Beth Moore, I'm sure I will enjoy it." I put it on my night stand some time during the Christmas season and never opened it. Until Thursday, that is. I started flipping through the pages just looking and not feeling drawn to any particular passage. You know those ribbon like bookmarks that are attached to books? Well, this one had one. For reason I found myself looking to see what passage had been marked by the bookmaker. You wonder if they have a particular reason for where they place it, or is it just stuck in the center of the book. Well the passage that was marked spoke of how Satan's most effective device is to trap us over matters of faith - to make us doubt the goodness and mightiness of Christ! She also says: the hand of God is at work directing divine purpose and blessing in all the affairs of those who don't let perceived activity or inactivity of Christ trap them or make them stumble. Wow. You would think that would have been enough for me. But it wasn't, cuz there was a little more bookmark that would have stuck out at the bottom had it not been tucked up in another section of the book. Of, course, I went there. Here is what was there: "Try as I might, I cannot imagine what purpose some illnesses and premature deaths serve. But after years of loving and seeking my God, I trust who He is even when I have no idea what He's doing. Above all things, I believe God always has a purpose in every decision He makes. Jesus healed people many times, but His healings were always with purpose and intent." Amen to that! Wow again. She had more to say, but you get the idea. I keep asking for signs and messages and He continues to send them whether I am listening or not. And for that I am very thankful.

Well, it's getting late and we have a big day tomorrow. We have a show time of 5:45am with a predicted start time of 8:30. I will do my best to post from my phone and let you know how it is going.

And please continue to pray - we are not out of the woods just yet, but I see the light and it looks a lot like Jesus!

Oh, I need to share something else. You know how I told you that God looked like a wonderful basket of cut fruit? Here are a couple more for ya:

God looks like a retired man walking up and down the street in his bare feet looking to borrow jumper cables to jump start our van.

God looks like another retired family that says: I will take your mother-in-law to the hospital when ever you need her.

God looks like a family that showed up at our house this evening with a spaghetti dinner after a long day doing pre-op stuff.

God looks like another family that will be going to the airport late tomorrow night to bring our babysitter to help with the kids.

And God looks like that babysitter who was supposed to come out to spend Spring break but now wouldn't want to be anywhere else during this time in our lives.

Keep praying! They're working!!

Peace (and JOY) to all who read...

Surgery is scheduled

2009-03-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

This is just a quick update for those following this:

Steve is having surgery on Friday at 6am! But first we have to get through the PET Scan on Wednesday and our prayer for that is that is shows nothing but what is already there.

We have a long recovery ahead of us. A week in the hospital with some of that in ICU. And then a month at home and them some chemo...

I KNOW God can take this away. I know that He can heal Steve. I just don't know if that is in His plan, and that's what scares me.

Please pray!!!!

Some of my posts will be from my iphone at the hospital. So please forgive any spelling or grammar errors!

Peace to all who read...

Whine Alert #1

2009-03-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is just a quick post to whine for a moment. Feel free to quit reading right now, I will understand. I hate whining - especially mine. It really gets on my nerves. But our last 24 hours would almost be funny, if it weren't for this cancer thing. But I need to vent...

Since I last posted here is was has been happening:

1. Steve takes van to get gas and is sideswiped by an SUV that never knows he hit us and drives away. Steve gets all the info, but now how to proceed - calling USAA today. Major dings and scratches, that's all.

2. Battery dies on same vehicle - yes, Steve did leave the keys in it, but sheesh...could it not hold a charge??? And our jumper cables are missing!

3. Washing machine decided that, for political reasons, it will no longer spin during the spin cycle. I guess the washer is having a Bill O'Reilly moment.

Okay - I have had it. Can't we just have the cancer please? Who thought I would ever say that? There is $$ in the bank to cover any and all of the expenses that will occur from the above mentioned. But it just seems like all this little stuff - and that what it is - little stuff, is beating us down.

This is going to be an exhausting week - trying to be at Dr.'s appointment, be home or elsewhere to get repairs done, tie up all those loose ends I mentioned in the last post AND try and make this week of Spring Break somewhat normal for the kids (squeezing in trips to SeaWorld & Six Flags).

Okay enough whining...

I now return you to your regular programing.

Peace to all who read...

A brief calm before the storm...

2009-03-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

Hubby and the kids are out of the house working on Pinewood Derby cars. Didn't realize that I would have some time to myself today - or any day in the next few weeks. But I am glad I do.

The words that have freely flowed (in my eyes) when I sit at this keyboard, are kinda stuck. One moment I feel like I have the answers and the peace. And the next moment...not so much.

I held up amazingly well when we were in the doc's office. I heard what we needed to hear. I knew the plan and I knew that the prognosis was good. But even that is difficult to hear because it is not just your routine, "Oh he will be fine when this is all over with." Those answers come out something like,"We are looking at a 70% survival rate for 5 years or more..." or something to that effect. Before all this started you always think you have %100 chance of being where you want to be in 5, 10 or 25 years. And yes, 70 is good. But it's not a guarantee. And I do know that there are no guarantees, but when staring it in the face, you realize what you are up against. I want to hear that he has a 70%chance of getting picked up for Air War College or getting selected for Full Colonel. We are celebrating around here in TX if we have a prediction of 70% chance of rain. But when it comes to a loved one, ANYTHING less than %100 is not acceptable. Here is another "percentage" for ya - of all lung cancer patients, 10% have never used tobacco products. Gee...Steve is in an elite group. Think we would rather pass on that membership.

I still firmly believe that God is in control of all of this. But it sure doesn't make the waiting any easier. I have moments when I am on the phone or chatting with someone where I feel really good and feel the hope in all of this. Then I can turn around in the next breath and swallowed up in sadness. I get dizzy and nauseous and feel like I can't breathe and wonder where God is in all of this. I have to hide those moments from the kids. So I have been in my closet a lot lately. Steve understands, but I know I am not making it any easier on him. I constantly find myself apologizing to him, but he just smiles and says, "Well, one of us has to be calm, cool and collected, and one of us has to be the frayed nerve. Which do you want to be?" But I am just tired of unraveling. I keep finding what I feel are messages of hope from God. But I am scared to believe them because I never thought that God would allow the news we got on Friday.

I have been analyzing the words in Jeremiah 29:11 (the Message) in the last several days preparing myself for this time. "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out -" Okay, that is why we are here. Got it. Couldn't be more plain. "...plans to take care of you and not abandon you,..." Yep, already seeing it. The doc is moving quickly. Friends and family are the ready to come out, come over, and do what ever is necessary. We know we are not alone in all of this. It's that last line of the scripture that gets me, "...plans to give you the future you hope for." My future involves that big goofy guy who has 3 children that look just like him and love him more than he knows. My future is to spend our retirement going to every baseball stadium in the US with one of the biggest Johnny Bench fans. My future includes getting out all of our children's wooden Thomas trains and setting up a Thomas wonderland for our grandkids with one of the most obnoxious train nuts I have even been blessed to know.

So, I have been arguing with God. And bargaining, I'm sure. I have heard a lot lately about those strong in faith doubting God (not that I place my self in that category) - our pastor preached on John Wesley's doubting this morning. It doesn't feel like doubting, though. I argue with Him as if I could change His mind. And although I know His plan is PERFECT (no bones about that), I wonder how could putting our family and my husband through this be perfect. So I cry out (when no one is around, hopefully) and try to understand. I am so ready to turn this tapestry of our life over and see the beautiful work that God has woven. I am already sick of seeing the back - full of loose threads (me), knots (Steve) and a mess(the cancer).

Tomorrow is a big day. We have an 11am appointment with the chest surgeon for our initial consult. We are hoping he will move as swiftly as the other docs have. We don't feel anything is being rushed here. There have not been any real decisions to make. His stage and type of cancer warrant surgery. End of story. Okay, we could have probably talked about other options. But this is the way they treat it. Get it out. We are okay with that. We did not invite it in in the first place.

And on Wednesday is an even bigger day. Steve has a PET Scan to check the rest of his body for "hot spots." AKA - more cancer. I think I am the most fearful of this appointment. Nothing more to say about that.

There is so much we need to do to ready ourselves for all of this. When you are staring such major surgery in the face, you realize,"OMG! I have too many loose ends out there." And begins the tying of those ends...

1. Continue to press the AF to send another W2 for our dity move so we can file our taxes.
2. Get the cars registered here - tags expire this month
3. Get Pinewood Derby cars made - race is on the 21st
4. Get Mom out here to take care of the kids. They NEED normalcy. And Mom is as close as we are going to get... :-)

I know that I have more followers of this blog now. Initially I never told anyone about it. If they found it fine. And the initial intent of the blog (back in Dec) was to vent about the Air Force. And how Steve & I remain Christian and sane in a very political climate. And we struggle with adjusting and how God always comes through. But I guess that will change here for a while. I have a facebook account (as does Steve), but I don't feel comfortable sharing the ins and outs of our cancer (and yes, it is OUR cancer - it is not just Steve's) although I have friends who do use their accounts for that. But, as I am able, I will post. On good days, I might "wax poetic" on how wonderful God has been in all this and some days I might send a quick blurb from my iPhone because that is all I can muster. We want people to know, but we are not making this our mantra. We are the Gibsons. We love our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He has blessed us with 3 wonderful children. Steve is the proud commander of the 331st TRS, Asst. Cubmaster to our boys Pack and oh by the way - he is battling cancer right now.

We look forward to the day where this is nothing more than a part of our testimony. Another obstacle that God got us through. And He will, it's how He plans on doing it that gives me hope and scares me all at the same time. He has only good things for us. God couldn't have given me anything better than Steve. How do you perfect that?

So feel free to stop by and see what's up. You might be surprised by my hopefulness one day or tune out the next because of my anger that I might aim at God. But that is okay, He is ready for it. I think He expects it. I think He would rather have my honesty than my poetry.

Peace to all who read...

This is what God looks like...

2009-03-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

This was delivered to our house this morning. We were overwhelmed. I wanted to call and thank the family personally, but talking about all of this gets difficult. And I don't want the kids to be reminded at every turn what we are going thru. Their daddy is still that - their daddy. We don't want this diagnosis to be a label or an excuse for the way we live our life over the next few weeks and months.

Peace to all who read...

Hindsight is 20/20

2009-03-07T01:00:00.000-08:00

But Spiritual hindsight is 20/10! Our path to this point in our lives could not be more crystal clear. Wow! God's timing is more than perfect. And He does have it all planned out. And He is good ALL the time.

Our Journey begins about a year and half ago.

Steve (having made the first cut for the VE board - the Space career field Squadron Commander's selection) got the call from his boss that he had been selected for a command job at a space squadron (somewhere other than where we are now). The list was not officially out, but we trusted in the fact that this 2 star equiv was going on good authority to share this info. He was given this info from someone higher ranking than himself. Who knew that someone even "higher ranking" than that had other plans. On Friday before the release of the list on Tuesday, Steve's name was still on the list. On Monday afternoon, he was not. Several jobs and selections had been moved around, but Steve was the only one not on the list that was on there on Friday. Why? Squadron Command was all Steve wanted. Anything beyond that would have been gravy. And there was some other factors too that made this even harder to swallow, but let's just agree that we felt like we had been given the shaft. Try and we might, we tried to live out Jeremiah 29:11, but our praises to God for His perfect plan were probably hollow. Eventually we were able to let it go and move on. All this time, though, we knew his name had been placed in the Recruiting/Training Command hat. And in January of 2008 we got the OFFICIAL notification that he had been selected for the 331st TRS. No taking this back. We saw the announcement! We were headed to Lackland AFB in San Antonio, TX. Never in a million years would we have thought we would be in San Antonio. Just never on the radar for us. Because Steve's dream of squadron command was coming true, we "gave God the praise" for fulfilling our plans. It seems so easy to praise God when good things are happening. Now fast forward to January 2009. It's 3 days into the new year. Grandma Gibson is on life support in a hospital in TN. We are mentally planning for that "unplanned" trip to TN in the very near future. So, Steve decides that he better get on the roof and take down the Christmas lights or they may be up until Valentine's Day. While coming down from the second floor roof to the first floor roof, the ladder slips. He falls. Upon initial physical inspection, he is sore, but can continue taking down the last few lights. He later "motrins up" and chalks it up to stupidity or something like it. A few days later, Grandma dies and we head to TN for the funeral. After we return from TN, Steve decides to go to the Dr. because his ribs just aren't getting any better. They x-ray him and find 2 broke ribs. And...something they can't identify. Let's do a CT scan. Now they see 3 broke ribs and "something they can't identify." Okay, let's repeat the scan in a few weeks to see if that "something" goes away. Three weeks later - it's still there. Time for a bronchoscopy and a needle biopsy. And that puts us in Dr. V's office at 11:15 yesterday morning. It is not the answer we had hoped for. But it is the journey God has placed us on. And it is completely the reason we are where we are. Had he not fallen off the roof, they would have NEVER found it - until it was too late. The Doc said that himself. And we are in an area where we are getting very expedited medical care - not because of a need for urgency, but because they know that is what we want. Had we been anywhere else, we might still be waiting to see a civilian pulmonologist and now we are scheduled to see a chest surgeon on Monday! God is good all the time. We are truly believe this. They are not hollow and empty praises.
A lot of my quiet time happens on the road on Thursday and Friday mornings when I am heading to the base for the Airman's Run and BMT Graduation. Well, yesterday when I was headed to graduation, I was having my usual dialogue with God. Okay - if you know me, I am doing most of the talking, but I am fleshing out things that confuse me and things that keep me from fully relying on God. I know He works through that for me. He has to. And when I talk to Him, I might have one of my "Out of the mouth of blondes" moments. Have you ever had someone plan a surprise for you? You know, one of those times, when you knew they were doing something for you, something wonderful, but you did not know the details? My most wonderful hubby has done that for me a number of times. And I always think that maybe I know just little better what would make his plan go smoothly for me. If only he would give me a few of the details so that I could "help" him do the best for me. That is what I do with God. I know He only has wonderful plans for me and my family, but if only He would open up a little about the details so that I could "help" Him get it right and make it go more smoothly. Is that funny or what?
There is so much more about His messages of hope for me, but I will save that for another post. And those have been pretty cool too. But it's late - or early depending on how you look at it.
For those of you who I am friends with on Facebook, I will not be post "details" too much on there. It's not that we are hiding anything. We just don't think that Facebook is the venue for disclosing all of that. Feel free to ask! Send me an e-mail! We will keep you up to date on everything. But if we could, we would like to keep phone calls to a minimum when the kids are home. They know what is going on, but we need to keep things normal for their sakes and always being on the phone rehashing out all that we are going through is not good for them.

Cue the "Indiana Jones" theme music - and so the journey continues!

Peace to all who read...

To keep myself accountable...

2009-03-06T05:16:00.001-08:00

Have not posted in a couple of days...

Had the needle biopsy on Wednesday. Went well. Have appointment at 11:15 this morning to get results (or lack of results).

I am not posting too much today and it may be a few days or a week before I post again. My blog is not a "newspaper" to broadcast every movement in our lives. It has become my quiet time with God. That is not to say that I don't want anybody reading because it's personal. I just don't have the same relationships here to talk about what is going on in my life and typing it out seems to help. And the comments I get help give me clarity at times when I need it.

I don't make it a habit of getting on and blogging everyday (I guess that is kind of obvious). I usually blog in the quiet of the morning when the kiddos are at school. Well, today is Friday and the kids start Spring Break on Monday. No "quiet of the morning" in my foreseeable future. :-) .

But I did want to post about something (quickly) so that I will expand more on it later - for my own benefit. A dear friend in Omaha said I needed to write it all down and I will. God has really been speaking to me through all of this. There have been more little messages from God that I can count. And one has lead to another, which lead to another, and on and on. You get the picture. I need to journal this adventure with God. And I will. It has been a journey of hope. And to be honest, I did not want to believe it. But I post this now, because I don't want to discount what has happened or erase from my memory what has happened if the answers we get today are not what we hoped for. God is good ALL the time.

My prayer for today is for an answer.

Peace to all who read...

God makes me laugh...sometimes.

2009-03-03T06:23:00.000-08:00

The visit with the doc went just as planned. Needle biopsy on Wednesday, shouldn't take long, hopefully we will have results by the following Tuesday. When the doc looked at Steve's CT scan he said that if had no history on Steve what so ever and was looking at the scans "cold" he would have diagnoise pneumonia - without question. That makes me feel better. Every opinion says that they really don't think it is cancer, but it is not normal. But unfortunately that is what they are always looking for. Doesn't make the waiting any easier.

So, why does God make me laugh sometimes? Well, actually he makes me laugh...a lot...at myself. But right now, I am not finding a whole to laugh about. What was different today? Well, with all this going on, I completely lost track of time. I am doing Beth Moore's Scripture memory challenge this year (you memorize a new verse every 2 weeks - the 1st and 15th of every month). Well, the 1st came and went. As did the 2nd! She tells you to find a verse that really speaks to you, to where you are or what you are going through. So this morning I got on line with Biblegateway.com to look up scripture with the word fear in it. I had an idea of a scripture (something about God not giving us a spirit of fear...) but I could not find what I was looking for. So, I grab a set of cards that a dear friend mailed me a few months back (little plastic holder with verses & topics on them. So, I thought, "Just grab and start looking, surely you will find something to memorize." I didn't care at this point what it was. Just wanted to keep up my end of the challenge. Not the right attitude, but it was all I had this morning. Well the card on top was my verse from the last 2 weeks (Jeremiah 29:11). The next card I grabbed was my verse from 6 weeks ago (Romans 14:19). Then it happened. I cried and I laughed. Then I cried a lot more. The next card I grabbed out of desperation read this: Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." God Wins!!! Again and always. 'Nuf said.

Peace to all who read...

It's hard to keep my focus...

2009-03-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

Oh to have a "normal" day. To get up, send my family off happily to their appointed tasks for the day, come home have dinner together, play, go to bed and wake up and do it all over again. Mundane has never looked so good.
What a roller coaster this past week and month have been. The hubby had the bronchoscopy on Wednesday - went beautifully. Now we wait. Doc is hopeful that is nothing more than inflammation, but the test results could still come back inconclusive, thereby indicating more tests. So Friday afternoon I leave the house to go with our daughter to a youth event called Acquire the Fire (a Ron Luce ministry). I call my hubby to see if he has successfully gotten to his dinner. No he hasn't yet- doc has called. Tests were inconclusive. He needs a needle biopsy. My heart sank. There I was in a van full of young girls (our daughter one of them) laughing and giggling as we headed to weekend of fun...for them. I was sick. I wanted to throw up right on the spot. But I couldn't. I could not let on to my precious daughter that there MIGHT be a problem with Daddy. How could I? So I sucked it all in, called a very close friend and shared with her - I had to talk to someone. And motored on.
Now, let me clarify - these results are not necessarily bad. That are what they are - inconclusive. There are a few more tests still out there that could come back with the results that we are looking for. It may be that the sample was too small and a needle biopsy will get a better sample. It may just be that I am Chicken Little and I immediately see that sky falling. But that is who I am.
So I go to this event with the intent of having some good quality mother/daughter time. You can never have too much of that. And with my daughter bordering on being a teenager, I don't want to let anything slip through the cracks. She is an awesome kid and an even better daughter. But I have so many folks try to squelch that with, "Just wait until they are _____ (fill in what ever age you see fit)." She is truly a great kid and a wonderful Christian young lady. I am so proud to be her mom. Immediately I recognize that Satan is trying to take that away. This was my weekend with her! She invited me to go with her. She WANTED to spend it with me! And I was letting a might be/could be/ but not definitely situation rob me of it. I wanted to see my husband. I wanted to hug him and hold him and have him tell me everything would be alright. That was the center of my thinking all that evening. And so Satan won my Friday night. I knew it. It broke my heart. I got home, fell into Steve's arms, cried and went to bed. What happened to this being the best 2 years of our lives? (That's what they tell you when you take squadron command).
Saturday was a fresh new day. It came early. We had to be at the church by 7 am. But some how, something was different. I was able to focus. I was able to hear God a little better. Oh, don't get me wrong. Satan still made his presence very clear. But God was clearer. And He was never more clear than when my beautiful daughter and I were finishing up dinner at Whataburger. We were gathering our things and she turned and said, "Thank you." I, of course, responded and she said," Not for the event, or then tote bag or the dinner and ice cream, but for being my mom." I was speechless. God Wins!!!! Big time!!! That was what the weekend was all about.
Now, it's Monday. And I am praying the Message version on Jeremiah 29:11: "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." So, is that why Steve fell off the roof 2 months ago? So that we could find the spot? Is that why we got an assignment to San Antonio because they have such a large military medical facility that can handle practically anything? And when you are active duty, you don't have to wait around on paper work? God knows what he is doing. And he is going to take of us. He is not going to abandon us.
Steve got a call to come in at 2 so they can discuss the needle biopsy procedure. I think I need to be there with him - even though he said I didn't.

Peace to all who read...

Been gone too long...

2009-02-26T13:37:00.000-08:00

Wow, has it really been over 3 weeks since I last blogger? A lot has happened and nothing has happened.

By nothing, I mean that we motor along as usual - scouts, church, going to the gym - you know, the usual. None of that has changed. Routine is good. At least for me. I have always been a creature of habit.

By a lot, I mean we are getting me an iPhone, my husband had a brochoscopy to biopsy a mass in his lung, a loved one is sturggling with some "professional" issues and our van needed some major $$ repair. All of these have kept us feeling like we live in the shadow of doom - when would the next disaster befall us... Fortunately, my Esther study addressed just that issue this week. God does not want us to live in a state of fear. Satan, on the other hand, does. Some days Satan is the winner. Some days, God.

Like when I talk to my husband on the phone from work and he tells me what a rotten day he is having. Then he sees he has a message - it must be the doctor, finally some good news, he needs it. Nope - the mass needs to be biopsied. Satan wins.

Just get off the phone with hubby and his lousy day and his negative doctor's report and I get an e-mail from the Alabama Depart of Public Safety - They are going to renew my driver's license!!!! God wins.

Let me change that. God ALWAYS wins. I guess I just allow Satan to get in my line of sight and all I see is him some days.

Kids are great! Still hating the TAKS test. Nothing new there. Loving my husband more than ever - if that is possible. And finally making some wonderful "connections" outside the military. We have really needed this. We only connect in a new community when we make "non-military" friends. And if they read this: Thanks for making us smile! We love our military friends, but they are as transient as we are. We need to connect to roots. Thank you Stacey & Paul, Amber & Craig, and John & Shelli for being our roots in Nebraska.

Peace to all who read...

Just not feeling if for Kathy & Dee...

2009-02-04T06:58:00.000-08:00

Am supposed to be at bible study right now, but I'm not. Just not getting in to it. Kathy Troccoli (sp?) and Dee Brestin seem nice enough & knowledgeable enough. but I find myself dreading the study. I don't want to do the homework memorize the verses or even go. This is not by any means an editorial of the study. I once felt this way about the first Beth Moore Study I did. I hated it. I think it is just not my time to do this particular study. I ended up redoing the Beth Moore Study I hated and LOVED it! Go figure. And tonight, I am starting the new Esther - Beth study. Maybe I am just not capable of giving my all to two very intense studies. I just know that it felt right to stay home.
Am lifting someone or some family up in prayer right now. But I don't know who. I was on my way home from dropping my oldest off at a bible study at school this morning just before 7:30am. When I came around the corner to head toward our neighborhood I saw HUGE bellowing black smoke just starting up in the sky. Immediately I started think house or brush fire. So, I pulled into our neighborhood and headed toward the smoke (which was now worse) and followed it to the back entrance to our subdivision and saw a small red sports car engulfed completely in flames! I got out and joined some of the neighbors near by and watched as this car became nothing but ash. If the person driving did not get out immediately, then they did not survive. There was NO WAY. No one waiting there with me actually saw if happen. So no one was there to see anyone run away from the vehicle. I pray that the driver had the presence of mind to get out. If not, I lift up a family that suffered a tragic loss today. Apparently folks of all ages drive very fast on the street where this happened. And my guess is that it was a teenager headed to the high school. I have never seen anything like it.
I am starting a new running program. It will help train me to run 10K. I am getting very frustrated with my progress or lack there of. And my weight. Some of my friends laugh (and some times glare) at me when I complain about my weight. I know that I am not a big person anymore. But that is just it. When you were a big person for so long: 1. Sometimes you have a hard time ever seeing yourself any different. I still think I look bigger than I am. 2. I have gained some weight since my big weight loss and some of my clothes are actually tight. I wish I viewed things differently, but I don't. I wish I had self control when it comes to food I like, but I don't. So I live on a constant diet so as not to go back to what I was. Back to my running program. It is an 8 week program and seems very doable. I guess the proof is in the pudding - oops a food analogy! See, i can't get away from it...ugh!!!! :-)

Peace to all who read.

Hormones & TAKS tests...

2009-02-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

I just sat at the computer a couple of hours ago and composed a scathing e-mail to my son's teacher about all this TAKS test crap. Then, I took a deep breath, looked at my words (or at least my intent) and deleted large portions of it and then rewrote and sent it. I am currently very hormonal and tend to go off the deep end when I am. So, as much as I wanted to say all the stuff I said, I know that some (if not all) was hormone driven. And nobody should have to deal with that.

What is the TAKS test you might ask? Well, from all the info I can gather, it is a (can't think of the correct wording here - another problem with my hormones) test given state wide in Texas to all public school students. In Nebraska we had the Terra Nova. Every year starting in 2nd or 3rd grade, kiddos would take this standardized test for their grade level. The week before the test, we were notified that the test was being given and to make sure our children would be at school. The only "prep" per se was to make sure they had a good breakfast every morning of the test. After the test was done we would see the results at the next parent/teacher conference. The results were discussed and we moved on. The results and testing were for our individual needs - not the school's. Not here. Our testing starts here in March, but the prep work for these tests started right after school began. They immediately identify the kids who don't meet TAKS standards and start tutoring them after school. The concepts that they teach in these tests are burned in to these children from the moment they can hold a pencil. They refer to these concepts as "strategies." I have looked them and I don't disagree with the idea. I think it does help kids process information and answer questions correctly. My problem is that when you are new to the school system (and the concept), you are unfairly targeted. Oh, did I forget to mention that these tests results are the way that a school as a whole is graded??? They spend too much time teaching the test that they miss out on teaching so much else. My middle child struggles in school - always has. But do you think he is getting the help he needs in those specific struggles - No. Not unless there is some TAKS prep test that will help. Over all, he is a strong B student. And his regular grades are fine, but if you listen to his teachers (concerning TAKS stuff), he is really having problems scholastically. It seems the majority of what they do involves the TAKS process. If they have stories to read, they questions answered using the strategies. And if they fail to use the strategies (even if the answer is right), they take credit away and make them practice more.
This is not a "this school is wrong and my child is perfect" rant. My whole family is far from perfect, and my middle child has always struggled with scholastic endeavors. School does not come easy for him like it does for his siblings (it did not for me either). But to be struggling with school to begin with and then have some new concepts thrown at you that are specific to this school system and told that you will fail a grade level should you not master these things is more than just a little upsetting. It seems he can never get a break. He will come home do his normal homework and then we have to work on TAKS prep. All while his sister & brother are outside playing. So, now we have 4 years of TAKS practice to make up for at home. Gee, sure is going to be fun around here. Oh and that "fail a grade" statement I made a minute ago....In 5th grade if you fail the TAKS test, you will not be promoted to the 6th grade.
I so wish were back in the Nebraska school system. I felt like we had come so far with our middle child. Now I feel like we are back to square one. Ugh!!!!
On a more positive note - I will be starting a new Beth Moore study on Wednesday night!! I am so excited!!!! She really inspires me. I am glad God has placed her in my path.

Peace to all who read.

Rat poop anyone???

2009-01-29T13:54:00.000-08:00

On Thursdays (in BMT world) we have the Airman's Run. All the 8.5 weekers run in formation with the commander's , DOs, TSs, instructors, Shirts and sometimes the chaplains. They run down a road that is lined with family members. Everyone cheers them on. It's pretty cool. I love going. This is the first time the trainees will have seen their families in 8.5 weeks. This week was no different. A very wonderful experience as always. I love Thursdays.

After the run I went back to the squadron with my hubby and (after checking to make sure that the tour that was coming through was not going in the Wolf Den) I decided to clean out the closet in the Wolf Den. The Wolf Den is their "nice" room (carpet & pictures with nice furniture) that they use for meetings and briefings. The closet is a forgotten about space. I discovered it during our children's Christmas party. We needed forks. One of the MTIs told me to look in the closet in the Wolf Den. "There's a closet in the Wolf Den?" I asked. "Yes, " was the answer. So I ventured in to the black hole of party supplies to find quite a mess. It was full of old expired sodas that had exploded, Gatorade, juice boxes, bbq sauce, sugar & creamers that were well past there "best by" dates, 20,000 knives, 15,000 spoons, some Thanksgiving decorations and lots and lots of rat poop. Needless to say, almost everything in that closet got thrown out! It was almost a puking moment, it was so gross. But I survived. I finished up what I was doing, made the Wolf Den livable again and left so that I would not be underfoot for the tour. The tour, incidentally, was for a NASCAR driver named Reed Sorenson (who will be driving an AF sponsored car). Went to the Base Exchange, found 2 cute little cocktail dresses on clearance, went back to the squadron only to find my hubby still involved in his tour. So I went home. Usually I stay around and go to the Coin Ceremony and the Honor Grad Ceremony, but after all that rat poop, I was spent.

Guess I will go put on some running clothes and have a quick run and grill out some burgers. the kiddos want to go to the Y tonight, but I just want some down time. They will forgive me...I hope. :-)

Peace to all who read.

Slowing down a bit...

2009-01-28T06:35:00.000-08:00

Right now, I should be walking to church for bible study. But I'm not. I am right here - posting to a blog that nobody really knows exists. But, you know, who cares. I am finding it pretty therapeutic to sit and ramble like am doing. Then I am able to save the more meaty conversations for my hubby when he gets home from work.

Got most of my "To Do list" from yesterday done. All except for the bible study stuff. That is one of the reasons I am not on my way to the study right now. I am not really connecting with this study, unfortunately. I have NO desire to do the homework, and that is not like me. Love the ladies in the group and love the support. Just am not feeling moved by the study. I will be starting a Beth Moore study next Wednesday night (Esther). Am really looking forward to it.

The other reason I am not on my way to bible study is that, hopefully, I will be going by a bakery to pick up a cake to surprise my hubby with at work. His 1st shirt was supposed to order it and I would be it up and bring it in the end of his Commander's Call. Probably need to see if she did it or if I need to go and see what I can get on short notice. His birthday was last Friday and it was a lousy birthday for him. Thank you AF for making his birthday miserable. It stinks to have Court Martial duty on your birthday. And it stinks even more when you have to pass judgement on someone and punish them knowing that it will effect every aspect of the rest of their life. Makes it little hard to swallow your birthday cake. He knows the decision was the right one, but it did not make it any easier for him. Hope he does not have to do that again any time soon.

Need to close - things to do, places to go and people to see...

Peace to all who read.

Feeling a little more acomplished...

2009-01-27T06:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got quite a bit done in my house. Since we have moved (in to a much bigger house) I have not been keeping up the housework like I used to. It has been too daunting of a task. We moved from about 1500 sqft of finished space to almost 3000 sqft of finished space. But yesterday I turned off the tv, went to itunes on our laptop and listen to a few Andy Stanley sermons and away I went. It was amazing. Life felt good the moment I was done. Let's see if I can continue that motivation in other areas...

Well, today is not looking as promising. I woke up tired because hubby goes to PT with the 8.5 weekers at 5am! So that alarm went off at 3:45. I never get back to sleep well after that. Then I was vegging in my chair with coffee, Foxnews and the paper until it was time to take them to school. We had all gotten in the van when I realized that our middle son may have Chess club today and I needed to verify that. Yup, he has Chess club AND both boys are supposed to have Spring Pictures taken today!!! Ugh!!! They were not in shirts that I wanted for pictures and Christopher's hair was sticking out in several spots and I did not have the time to properly fix that. Guess we won't be getting those pics this year. But that is okay, I really like their fall pics and am not sure why we need a second set of pictures anyway. Is it just a $$ raising scheme for the schools anyway?

My to do list for today:
1. Clean off computer desk
2. Finish the wee bit of laundry that I have
3. Iron (I love to iron - no, really!)
4. Get my checkbook and other accounts square away (Quicken)
5. Catch up on scripture readings and bible study.

Wish me luck!

Peace to all who read...

Try to do something nice...

2009-01-25T17:31:00.000-08:00

Haven't posted in a while. I think my last post talked about Grandma and her last days on this earth. Well, all that came to pass. She is now with her Heavenly Father and rejoicing - but we miss her so.

Since our return from her funeral, it has been one thing after another: hubby finds out he broke 3 ribs when he fell taking down Christmas lights, they find a spot on his lung while doing all the x-rays & CT scans, Hubby has to serve on a Court Martial, and then a young family at BMT has a baby and is in need.

That's where the title "Try to do something nice..." comes from. Our 1st Shirt has been helping them out, but she took violently ill on Friday afternoon and had to driven to the ER by my hubby. So now it seems that I need to help do something for a family that has fallen through some other squadron cracks. Well, the story I got this afternoon seem to differ greatly from the story that was originally given to the Shirt. I put out e-mail pleas for help and got responses by the arm load. Just when I think that they are not in as much need as originally thought and I let everyone know, I find out that I am oh so wrong. I am exhausted from all this. I just want to go sleep for a week of so. Or sit up in bed with a bottomless coffee pot and and a stack of good books.

And speaking of books... I just finished The Shack. Wow. Probably the most thought prevoking book I have ever read - bar none. I have really looked at life and my relationship with God some much differently since I completed the book. It almost scares me. Should I really be that impacted by something like this? It feels almost like I am being unfaithful to God by feeling this way. Why couldn't the bible move me like this?

Wow, this was very theraputic. But I am still exhausted. And I really want to go lay down and chill out for the rest of the evening. Probably not happening though. I can dream can't I? :-)

Peace to all who read.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T17:09:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting end & start.

Have been in turmoil personally at the end of this year - my husband's grandmother is seriously ill. She is the last grandparent I have. All 4 of my grandparents are gone, as are my parents. She has been a part of my life for over 18 years. I struggle with her being physically at peace and her still being an active presence in our lives. And should she leave this earth soon, getting back for everything is now more complicated than it once was. I hate that I have laid in bed worrying about something so trivial, but I have. It makes me feel very shallow. I am also ready to shake the dust of at least the last 6 months off my feet and tread new ground in 2009. Hubby took command of a squadron back in July and there has been much turbulence in the office. Lots of very stressed out & tired folks. Here's hoping that 2009 will be different!

On a good note, to end the year, I feel like I have built some wonderful relationships in my husband's squadron (both spouses and the military members). I have a very nurturing personality (Can I cook for you? Do you need someone to talk to? ) and I have been a regular face in the office and often come bearing baked goods! And so far my offerings have not been refused! :-) And on a good note to start the new year? Went out on the town with some wonderful friends last night and rang in the New Year. It was awesome. I refer to my friend Kelly as "Julie the cruise director!" She gets me out of the house and into something fun. I guess another good start would be that the Nebraska Cornhuskers beat Clemson in the Gator Bowl. 10 years ago if you would have told me that I would be a Husker fan, I would have laughed you off the planet. I despised the Huskers! But once we moved to the Omaha area, we slowly grew to enjoy them. I know that alot of it has to do with the people there. We made some life changing relationships there. Those folks there are family and what they loved we grew to love. I think our hearts are still in Omaha!

And unfortunately that makes establishing roots somewhere else nearly impossible. I want to develope relationships, but they are tainted by my feelings of "cheating" on my Omaha friends. In fact, 2 dear friends (one of which was my former pastor's wife) from Omaha came to San Antonio so that we could all go see Beth Moore together. Well we were planning on joining a local church, but I refused to join the weekend they were there because it would have felt like I was washing my hands of them. Is that stupid or what?

Well, today begins my first full year here in Texas. May I be aware and accepting of the opportunitues that await me!

Peace to all who read,
Lonnie

Good Morning...

2008-12-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

I guess my newer posts will be random stuff...just to get the hang of this blogging. Hopefully once the kiddos are back in school, I can "wax poetic" :-) Yeah right. Lot on my mind, but I just need a way to voice it.

I am in desperate need of Christian accoutability. I joined the Living Proof blog Scripture memory group. Have not found a group or a study that requires me to be in the Word as much I need to. And I can't make myself do it. Don't get me wrong. I love scripture, I just need someone to "lead" me that can put it on my level. I really get into Beth Moore, but I find that by just reading her books ain't cutting it. I guess I need to first, get up earlier and then find some kind of devotion or Bible study that can keep my attention. I read Beth's blog and wish so much that I could read the Word like she does. The way she is able to pour over every word and be moved - it just leaves me dumbfounded. I know that is why people like her are on this earth - for people like me.

2008-12-28T19:09:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from Chick-fil-A!!!

What a weird day!

2008-12-28T18:57:00.000-08:00

It has been a weird day. Let me back up and explain what would cause me to say that. My hubby is a squadron commander and he has been dealing with "health" issues within his squadron. One minute it sounds horrible and contagious and the next minute all is well. Hopefully tomorrow we will have a clearer picture on what is going on. Got love military medical.
And then one of the folks who works for him, failed to show up. Not answering the cell or text messages. So we went down to their house to check on said member. They were at home - spring cleaning. Had no idea that they had to work. We were both relieved that everyone was okay. Needless to say, many awful things went through our heads. Glad it ended well...
And then both of us have been battling sinus stuff for a while - me for almost 2 weeks and him for 1. We will dope ourselves up with Nyquil yet again tonight.

Let's see if I keep this up...:-)

2008-12-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

A friend once set me up a blog and I never used it - okay, never is a bit much, but let's just say that I failed at blogging.

So, with a new year upon us, we will see what happens...

Peace to all who read,
Lonnie